Overprotective or reasonable?

[Gooblink]

I think your kids are too young to send them all at once, given that both your in-laws are not in good health to chase after littles. I'd - maybe - allow the 6 and 4 year-old go, but keep the 2 year-old at home. The 2 year-old, at least, will require non-stop supervision.

 

If the in-laws were both relatively fit and active, I'd say "go," but in this case, I think you are being reasonable.

[Guest Cindie2dds]

Yeah, but he is the dad. He has say-so in the upbringing and care of his children just as much as OP does. Why is it so wrong for him to say his children will spend the night at his parents?

 

I agree the dad has just as much say-so as mom does. I would never mean to discredit the dad's desire for the kids to stay with his parents, or the fact that he is their parent.

 

Amber might not be able to bring to words her reasons, I've had this happen. There's just "something" that's not sitting right. It might not even be anything to do with the ILs, or the bath issues, could be the kids, who knows. "They're an hour away" was another red flag in the OP's post that got me. This could easily be it. If one child were to wake up crying and want to go home, would they call? KWIM?

[Heather in AL]

I think your kids are too young to send them all at once, given that both your in-laws are not in good health to chase after littles. I'd - maybe - allow the 6 and 4 year-old go, but keep the 2 year-old at home. The 2 year-old, at least, will require non-stop supervision.

 

If the in-laws were both relatively fit and active, I'd say "go," but in this case, I think you are being reasonable.

 

 

:iagree: This is exactly what I was going to write, but I wouldn't even send the 6 & 4y/o. I remember my kids at 6 and 4, and I was utterly exhausted.... and all of 29 years old!!

 

I just think your kids are too young to stay so far away with people who have health issues.

 

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position. :grouphug:

[Mom0012]

I posted earlier, but I had another thought. Do you think the grandparents want this or your husband? If it's your husband, is it because he wants his parents to have a close relationship with his children or because he would like time alone with you? If it is because he wants the children to be close to his parents, maybe a good compromise would be for him to go and spend the night with the kids.

 

Those were my husband's motives and that's what he did. Things didn't go well, so he stopped doing it, but if your husband's visits were positive, then maybe you would then feel more comfortable about sending the kids on their own. If they didn't go well, then hopefully your husband would see that and back off of the idea.

 

Lisa

 

ETA: And I have to agree now that I see the ages of your children that there is no way I would send the 2 year old without my husband and then the only way I would send the 4 year old alone is if she had a very close relationship with the grandparents already.

Edited July 28, 2010 by LisaTheresa

[Joanne]

Amber might not be able to bring to words her reasons, I've had this happen. There's just "something" that's not sitting right. It might not even be anything to do with the ILs, or the bath issues, could be the kids, who knows. "They're an hour away" was another red flag in the OP's post that got me. This could easily be it. If one child were to wake up crying and want to go home, would they call? KWIM?

 

I was willing to offer a "go with your gut" post until the OP included that she doesn't want *either* grandfather to give normal child care. That doesn't speak to "go with your gut" but instead it's quite possible the OP's "gut" isn't functioning as an accurate gauge.

 

I'll admit, though, I am *so* not a fan of putting "never leaving my kids" or "we never use a sitter" out as a virtue. I believe in many cases, it is *un*healthy parenting.

[Joanne]

I also sense some possibly inaccurate assumptions about age/ability/interest in the OP and this thread. I've seen "grandparents" talked about on homeschooling boards as "older" and those grandparents are often my DH's age or slightly older. There are parents here on this board who still have school agers or littles and grandchildren.

 

I personally know several situations of a grandparent raising, or offering significant care and support, to their grandkids. They do so with a wide range of ages and health challenges.

 

DH says his Mum is on a limited 'life' time frame. She is an unwell kind of person but doesn't have any diagnosed life limiting diseases like cancer. She has had a double heart bypass and has ongoing kidney and liver issues. She would not be able to physically care for the kids herself so FIL would need to be present at all times. DH feels that i am robbing my kids and his Mum of something. We do visit there semi-regularly and we have stayed there on occasion all together.

 

My mom died of cancer a few years ago. I *wish* we had lived an hour away and that my kids could have known her.

[Desert Rat]

I agree with Joanne. You're on the overprotective side. From what you have described, there is no real reason not to allow your IL's to watch your children. It sounds really important to your dh, which is a huge factor. It could also be a big benefit to the 2 of you--time spent pampering your marriage.

[Whereneverever]

 

I'll admit, though, I am *so* not a fan of putting "never leaving my kids" or "we never use a sitter" out as a virtue. I believe in many cases, it is *un*healthy parenting.

 

I don't know about that- we never use a sitter or leave the kids- my middle has epilepsy and has a history of life threatening seizures. I've left my older with family and friends, but never her (or the nursing baby ;)). Is that over-protective and unhealthy, or just mindful that it's a lot to ask someone to be ready to handle?

[BeautifulLife]

Before we got stationed 5 hours away from my parents, my DC had regular overnights with them every other weekend. This started when they were potty-trained and not nursing. My kids LOVE their time with their grandparents and I strongly believe it is beneficial all around. My dad has taught my DS how to hunt and fish, and they are great buddies. My mom taught my DD how to bake cookies and loves reading to them. At first I felt guilty for having the break, but soon realized that it only made me be a better mommy!

I think spending quality time with grandparents now is really important; they won't always have that opportunity.

[Mimm]

Personally, I let my kids stay away from me quite a bit. They've spent almost every Friday night at my inlaws' house since we moved here seven years ago in July. Genevieve will be 8 in October. So yeah, she was quite young when she started staying over. Now, my inlaws are still young (in their 50s) healthy and energetic. They only live about 8 minutes away and are not at all overbearing and respect our parenting decisions or this would not have worked. But having every Friday night with my husband has been amazing for our marriage. We got married rather young and had kids right away so we didn't get to spend those kid free years together. Which is fine, but I do love our time alone. And my kids love their grandparents and have such a special relationship with them. If anything comes up, of course, we skip a weekend. In fact, this month has been the first month that they've spent more Friday nights at home than at my inlaws' house. My mother-in-law has just been out of town a lot this month for various things. We've had to put up with TV watching. We don't watch television at home but we figure watching a couple Disney channel shows one night a week will hardly leave permanent scars.

 

When I lived nearer to my family, I also allowed them to keep my kids overnight. They lived an hour and a half away, the home situation was much worse in a lot of ways. I trusted my mom with the babies, but there were a lot of reasons that was probably a bad idea. But back then I was young and very stressed out and badly needed the break. My father has suggested that I allow my kids to spend the summer with him and in now way is that going to happen, ever. My father's wife is out of town most of the week so they'd be spending most of their time with my father, which is not a good idea for so many reasons I don't have time to type them all out. Also, he lives 700 miles away and I just don't feel comfortable sending my kids that far away for that length of time.

 

So basically, I think you need to weigh several factors when making a decision like this. The age and independence of the child, the trustworthiness of the caretaker, how far away they live and how long the child would be staying. But as far as the idea that you don't understand why you would send them away, there are plenty of reasons. Don't underestimate how special that time can be for your kids and their grandparents. They will always have those memories. My husband stayed with his grandparents every Friday night growing up (so this is a kind of family tradition with them) and he was very close to his grandparents and loved his time out on the farm. I also feel that it's good for kids to be able to spend a night away from their parents and to view it as a fun little adventure. You never know when some emergency will come up and do you want that to be the first time they are without you over night? Or if some emergency happened, wouldn't you rather be able to deal with it, knowing your kids will be just fine without you over night? Also, the time spent with your husband, even if you're just curling up on the couch to watch a movie is special and can help to nurture your relationship. Our weekly ritual is ordering Vietnamese food and sitting around talking. I could never do without my inlaws, I truly appreciate everything they do for us.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I guess my only issues would be if I had a nurseling or firmly-attached child and whether or not the ILs can physically care for them and whether or not they have a reasonable "grandparenting" style (engaged and fun-loving vs. distant, tv all the time and yelling.) The caring for physical needs is not even on my radar. My dad and FIL changed enough diapers in their days that I wouldn't bat an eyelash about them handling dressing and toileting issues. I was more reserved about overnights with my parents mostly because they tended to minimize my kids emotional needs (telling them to stop being babies and how it is mean to miss mommy and daddy because it hurts them as grandparents.) With my FIL, it was more that he is older and may not have been able to keep up.

 

Is there something behind your difficulty trusting your FIL? Has he done something? Do you get a funky vibe from him? Or is it just because he is a man?

[LibraryLover]

What if the children stayed at the g'parents and you both stayed in a nearby hotel to have a romantic night away? You could even stay until the late afternoon or early eveing, helping with the 2 yr old and bathing the children. (Do children need daily baths, even? lol If MIL can wipe her own bum, she could probably wipe the children's couldn't she? With a flushable wet wipe it's even easier.)

 

If any of the children woke crying in the night, you would not be far away. Your dh could give his parents the time he wants them to have, and you could reduce the time they are away, and also be there quickly if needed.

 

Not directed at the OP or her particular gut, but I do agree with what Joanne said. Somtimes our head plays tricks with our actual intution.

 

I left my two yr old with my mother, but she came to my house and slept in my bed with the toddler. My children have not slept at my mother's (she is in town so she stays here if we need her), but they have slept at my sisters and have had a great time. She is the cookie-baking, playdough-making aunt. Popcorn in the living room, party time.

 

However, if you can't emotionally do it at this time, you can't. For everything there is a season.

Edited July 28, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Nakia]

My kids have spent the night with my parents (mom and step-dad) monthly from the time they were 2 or so. It is the highlight of the month! I have absolutely no problem with my step-dad helping with pottying, though I'm sure it's rare since my mom is in good health. I also wouldn't have a problem with either of my brothers helping in that area. These are men who I know and trust completely.

 

My children have never spent the night with my fil. He is a mean ole cuss. Just wouldn't happen, but it doesn't have anything to do with pottying. BTW, my husband's mother died when he was a little boy. I would give anything for my children to be able to spend one night with their grandma, Fran. But it will never happen. :crying: So I do think you are being a bit unreasonable.

 

I agree with the pp that said send the kids one at a time, or that your dh go and spend the night with them to see how his parents do. What do your kids want to do?

 

Is this causing strain in your marriage? I would really try to prevent that. It might be something that does in the future cause problems, especially if his mother passes never being able to spend that kind of time with her grandchildren. Your dh could become really resentful.

[Joanne]

Originally Posted by Joanne

 

I'll admit, though, I am *so* not a fan of putting "never leaving my kids" or "we never use a sitter" out as a virtue. I believe in many cases, it is *un*healthy parenting.

 

I don't know about that- we never use a sitter or leave the kids- my middle has epilepsy and has a history of life threatening seizures. I've left my older with family and friends, but never her (or the nursing baby ;)). Is that over-protective and unhealthy, or just mindful that it's a lot to ask someone to be ready to handle?

 

My post included the words "many cases". Your case is clearly unique and you've made appropriate choices for your family's situation.

 

What I am talking about is the dynamic I see here, on this forum, in this thread and in other homeschooling or "alternative parenting" settings where "never leaving the kids" and "doing everything together as a family" becomes a badge of honor, a competition, an assumption that it is inherently a good choice.

[Paige]

Some of my fondest memories are of staying the week with my grandmother by myself. She was an older grandmother and would only take 1 of us at a time because she knew her limits but I liked the alone time anyway. I would not send the 2yr old but I think without a solid reason why not, then you may be being a little over protective. My brother and I never stayed overnight with my other grandparents. We visited often but we never built the same kind of relationship with them as we did with our grandmother we did stay with. My other grandparents weren't bad or creepy, they just kept a household that my parents didn't want to leave us at alone. That is different, IMO, than not wanting them to stay just because.

 

My children's grandparents have always lived more than 6 hours away and they have rarely stayed with them because it is hard to arrange getting them there and back and I'm not comfortable with them soooo far away. We have done it a few times, though. My older stayed a week when he was 3 and then he and the older girls have stayed for a night while we were in town and staying at another house with relatives. They love it! I wish we lived closer because I think the kids are missing out on not being able to spend the night more often with their grandparents.

 

I don't have a problem with trusted men helping in the bathroom. They are all fathers too.

[TxMama]

I vote overprotective.

 

I have had situations where I was unable to care for my kids (extended bedrest/hospital admissions) and it was an absolute blessing that my kids were comfortable spending this extended time with their grandparents. My kids did not have to deal with the stress of a sick mommy AND a new environment.

[proverbs356lady]

We waited until we felt that the oldest one was old enough to take care of herself & use the phone to call for help if there was an emergency with the grandparents.

:iagree:Excellent point.

[Daisy]

I think she should go with her gut instincts. I don't care if that gets labeled overprotective or not.

[mirth]

.

Edited July 26, 2014 by mirth

[MamaJo]

Spending the night at your grandparents when you are a kid is just FUN. You don't have to have a reason for relationship building fun. IMHO you are being over protective but that is your right as a parent. :)

[Daisy]

Spending the night at your grandparents when you are a kid is just FUN.

 

It isn't always fun.

 

I really think the OP needs to make the decision based on her own knowledge of the situation and not on anyone else's personal experiences whether good or bad.

[EmilyK]

If I were you, I'd separate out:

 

--the toileting and bathing issues -- that's the only place I feel you are being overprotective

 

--your husband's desire for an alone weekend -- find out more about if this is the motivation; be open for other ways to meet this need

 

--grandparents wishes and capabilites -- our aging/ailing parents are not really willing/able to do an overnight, even though we'd like to. I have other friends whose parents might be willing but they are concerned about safety (not molestation, but things like sedentary grandparents watching TV, and not noticing when a child has wandered off, or a fuzzy thinking GP in the evening not being able to make a quick decision to go to the ER, etc).

 

--childrens' wishes and capabilities -- when little, our kids were hard to put to bed when I wasn't around -- my husband could do it but it wasn't for the low energy types. Your in laws seem way too far away to do an overnight that might need a pick up in the middle of the night.

 

There may be other ways to meet the grandparent relationship piece. I take my kids to see my in laws even without my husband. I fade to the background, go upstairs when things are going well, have them all do things together and I stay behind, but I'm available then in the evening as needed. An hour is a long way for a day trip but maybe there's a way to leave them there for the day while you and your husband do things in the area? Maybe you could stay in a hotel nearby to be close if the overnight is important?

[HRAAB]

Oh my goodness. I think one of the highlights of my children's younger years was staying overnight with grandma and grandpa. What memories they have. Baking, reading, playing. My two grown dd's often comment on the fun they had with the grandparents. Usually once a month they had an overnight stay with my parents; of course, they lived in the same town. If they lived elsewhere, obviously, it wouldn't have been so often. But, I would have done everything in my power to make sure they still got time with their grandparents. I am so glad I did. Both my parents have passed away, and if I hadn't made sure they had that very special time when they were younger, it would be too late now. And those wonderful memories my older ones have wouldn't exist.

 

Unless there is some concrete reason why you worry about your children staying with their grandparents, yes, I hope you will reconsider your position. I certainly hope when my dd's have children, they will let them stay with me. My feelings would be so hurt if they were within driving distance but wouldn't let them stay with me. But then my family was very, very close.

[Nakia]

I really think the OP needs to make the decision based on her own knowledge of the situation and not on anyone else's personal experiences whether good or bad.

 

That may be so, but she did come here and ask for our thoughts.

[tricia]

I'm going with reasonable!! I'm with you on this. The children are still quite young and the situation with health and all just doesn't seem ideal. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Daisy]

That may be so, but she did come here and ask for our thoughts.

 

True, and I think everyone here is welcome to share their opinions. I'm not making light of those opinions.

 

I guess my point is that we are all going to give her varying opinions based on our personal experience. So my advice to the OP is to go with her own instinct rather than the advice of the WTM board.

 

If I disregarded my instincts and my personal experience and chose to make this decision on the basis of what the majority of people on the WTM board would advise, my children would be spending the night with an abusive grandparent.

 

I'm so glad that so many have had wonderful experiences with grandparents, but I imagine the OP is feeling reluctant for a reason and I'm not so quick to write it off as overprotective.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Oh my goodness. I think one of the highlights of my children's younger years was staying overnight with grandma and grandpa. What memories they have. Baking, reading, playing.

 

That's wonderful that your kids have such great memories. But unfortunately not all grandparents provide such great memories. My ILs would beg me to leave the kids but if I did they would ignore them and plunk them in front of the t.v. often with something like MTV on the channel.

 

Also - in my case, as it sounds like it is for Amber, my kids were not ready to be without me at night. Other times in the day, yes, they were very independent but not at night. Just like I did not force them to stay away from me as a young baby (to make them get over their stranger anxiety or separation anxiety) but let them bond to me and gradually branch out on their own, I found that it worked best to do the same for night-time needs for mom's presence.

[Snickerdoodle]

Spending the night at your grandparents when you are a kid is just FUN.

 

Not always. :)

 

 

I agree with Emily K.

[Nakia]

True, and I think everyone here is welcome to share their opinions. I'm not making light of those opinions.

 

I guess my point is that we are all going to give her varying opinions based on our personal experience. So my advice to the OP is to go with her own instinct rather than the advice of the WTM board.

 

If I disregarded my instincts and my personal experience and chose to make this decision on the basis of what the majority of people on the WTM board would advise, my children would be spending the night with an abusive grandparent.

 

I'm so glad that so many have had wonderful experiences with grandparents, but I imagine the OP is feeling reluctant for a reason and I'm not so quick to write it off as overprotective.

 

I agree with you about "going with your gut." If Amber has a gut feeling that something is just "off", I wouldn't question that. I got a bad feeling about our new neighbor the first time I met him, but my husband just thought he was the nicest man. I found out about two months later that he has a criminal record a mile long and lots of it has to do with indecent exposure among other things (not quite enough to get on the sex offender registry). So yeah, I know all about gut feelings. From Amber's original post though, it didn't seem like she had that kind of feeling. If she does, I think she has to trust that.

 

OTOH, I think it's important for kids to spend time with their grandparents in a healthy setting. Sometimes we moms just have such a had time letting go. That seems to be the case here. It is hard to get the whole picture on a message board, for sure.

[emzhengjiu]

Should the decision be one-sided? The OP's husband wants the children to stay overnight with his parents. I don't think a mother's decision always trumps dad's feelings and desires. Unless I had reason to be concerned about abuse or neglect, I would let them visit overnight or go out of my way to provide ample time for the grandparents to be with the children in one-on-one situations.

[ShutterBug]

I'm in the "let them go" camp :) .

 

If it makes you feel better, get a motel room for you and your husband nearby and have a nice night out to yourselves while remaining close.

[Greta]

My oldest DD is capable of bathing, dressing, caring for herself in their home but why would i send her? I just don't get it :confused:

 

Your dd will "get it", though, if you allow her to. She will get that grandparents are a treasure.

 

I was always allowed to spend the night at my grandparents' homes - one was a bit over an hour away and one was over three hours away! But my parents made it work because they felt it was important, for their parents, and for their children. I am so grateful that they did.

 

Those times were so special, and now that I have lost all but one of my grandparents, I especially value those memories. Grandparents love their grandchildren so freely, and selflessly, and in my experience anyway, without the judgments and expectations and other stresses that parents often have. The close relationship that I formed with my grandparents when I was a young child proved to be an invaluable source of strength and stability for me during my teenage years.

 

I have not read all the replies. Just giving you my gut reaction.

[Jugglin'5]

Your dd will "get it", though, if you allow her to. She will get that grandparents are a treasure.

 

I was always allowed to spend the night at my grandparents' homes - one was a bit over an hour away and one was over three hours away! But my parents made it work because they felt it was important, for their parents, and for their children. I am so grateful that they did.

 

Those times were so special, and now that I have lost all but one of my grandparents, I especially value those memories. Grandparents love their grandchildren so freely, and selflessly, and in my experience anyway, without the judgments and expectations and other stresses that parents often have. The close relationship that I formed with my grandparents when I was a young child proved to be an invaluable source of strength and stability for me during my teenage years.

 

I have not read all the replies. Just giving you my gut reaction.

 

:iagree:

I loved spending the night at grandma's. My kids love spending the night at their grandparents on both sides. My MIL actually gets the kids for a week each in the summer and does special things with them. I think it is a huge blessing to have grandparents close by.

[HRAAB]

That's wonderful that your kids have such great memories. But unfortunately not all grandparents provide such great memories. My ILs would beg me to leave the kids but if I did they would ignore them and plunk them in front of the t.v. often with something like MTV on the channel.

 

Also - in my case, as it sounds like it is for Amber, my kids were not ready to be without me at night. Other times in the day, yes, they were very independent but not at night. Just like I did not force them to stay away from me as a young baby (to make them get over their stranger anxiety or separation anxiety) but let them bond to me and gradually branch out on their own, I found that it worked best to do the same for night-time needs for mom's presence.

 

And as I also said, if you (OP) have concrete reasons (which will vary greatly from family to family), then keep them home. If after some true soul-searching she finds those reasons aren't concrete, maybe she should reconsider her position, including her dh's feelings on the matter. If her reasons are valid (to her - not us here on the board), then she should stand by her decision. The reasons she stated would not stop me from letting my children visit their grandparents and stay overnight. That's just me, though. And after all, she asked for opinions.

 

eta: When people come here asking for opinions, responses are given based upon personal experience. I have nothing but very positive, warm, loving experiences with regard to staying with grandparents (me personally and my children). My dh has the same experiences. That's where my opinions are going to come from. If someone has had less than good experiences with grandparents, their responses are going to reflect that. I think usually we're looking for people to back us up; I know that's what I'm usually looking for. Then when people disagree, I'm usually left feeling confused. Then I wonder why I asked in the first place and think I should have just followed my gut instinct to begin with. Then I do it all over again. Oh well.

Edited July 28, 2010 by Ishki

[vettechmomof2]

My children go to Grammy camp every year.

They look forward to it every year and love their special time with their grandparents. Sometimes my dad has vacation at the same time but not every year. But he is always there after work and the weekends.

Sometimes my children stay seperately but always a week at the same time as well. My father changed all of my diapers as a child and I have no problems with him helping my children that way, or with my mother.

It is a great bonding time for all of them and I miss them terribly but I get them 24/7 the rest of the time so why not allow my parents to enjoy their company.

We live 2.5 hours away from my parents and my in laws.

The children do not really spend overnights at my in laws but that is just because of certain health issues and a full house not because we do not want them to.

[Joanne]

It isn't always fun.

 

I really think the OP needs to make the decision based on her own knowledge of the situation and not on anyone else's personal experiences whether good or bad.

 

The OP came here and *specifically* solicited our feedback, asking our opinions on whether she is being over-protective or unreasonable. She included the info she wanted us to use in evaluating. The responses in this thread are in line with the context of the OP.

[FO4UR]

Trust that first instinct.

 

I think those instincts always have logical reasons behind them, even when we can't articulate them.

 

I don't think it's unreasonable for a mother to feel protective of her YOUNG children when she feels *pushed* to send them over an hour away overnight. Why the push?

[CAMom]

My post included the words "many cases". Your case is clearly unique and you've made appropriate choices for your family's situation.

 

What I am talking about is the dynamic I see here, on this forum, in this thread and in other homeschooling or "alternative parenting" settings where "never leaving the kids" and "doing everything together as a family" becomes a badge of honor, a competition, an assumption that it is inherently a good choice.

 

:rant:

 

OH! MY! GOSH!!! Thank you for saying that! I've been mulling this over in my mind for several months now. I've observed that homeschoolers seem to wear all kinds of things as badges of honor and this is definitely one of them. (NOT saying this is true for the OP.)

 

Some of these "badges of honor" things have been so unhealthy for me personally and it's taking a huge effort to get my perspective back! How about the whole "myth of me time?" I bought into that for a long time and finally gave into the fact that yes, indeed, I do need some time to nurture myself!

 

:rant:

 

For the OP, I think you're being unreasonable and overprotective. If your inlaws are both fit enough and healthy enough to take a 6 weeks trans Atlantic cruise and tour of the US, I think they have more than enough energy to handle a few small kids for one night.:)

Edited July 28, 2010 by CAMom

[Jean in Newcastle]

And as I also said, if you (OP) have concrete reasons (which will vary greatly from family to family), then keep them home. If after some true soul-searching she finds those reasons aren't concrete, maybe she should reconsider her position, including her dh's feelings on the matter. If her reasons are valid (to her - not us here on the board), then she should stand by her decision. The reasons she stated would not stop me from letting my children visit their grandparents and stay overnight. That's just me, though. And after all, she asked for opinions.

 

 

 

No worries. I quoted you because I was using your post as a springboard to provide a counter experience - not a disagreement with your experience or view. Your post just made me think through things further and so I responded further, that's all.

[Daisy]

The OP came here and *specifically* solicited our feedback, asking our opinions on whether she is being over-protective or unreasonable. She included the info she wanted us to use in evaluating. The responses in this thread are in line with the context of the OP.

 

True enough. But I reserve the right to voice my opinion as well. My opinion just happens to be, "Disregard the opinions." :001_smile: I have no problem with others saying something different.

[Daisy]

 

OTOH, I think it's important for kids to spend time with their grandparents in a healthy setting. Sometimes we moms just have such a had time letting go. That seems to be the case here. It is hard to get the whole picture on a message board, for sure.

 

:iagree: It is hard to get the whole picture in this type of setting. :001_smile:

[Impish]

Yeah, but he is the dad. He has say-so in the upbringing and care of his children just as much as OP does. Why is it so wrong for him to say his children will spend the night at his parents?

 

OP it sounds like you have issues with older men (or possibly men in general) that you need to work through. I don't know your family dynamics, but it sounds a bit like you have some control issues also. Your dh has just as much right to make decisions for his children as you do.

:iagree:

[Once Again]

I remember how much fun I had as a kid spending the night with Grandma, and my kids often spend the night with my in-laws. They are so close to their grandparents, and I believe it's a great benefit for both the kids and grandparents. Unless you have reason to suspect your in-laws might abuse the children, I'd let them go. Kids can learn so much from the older generations.

[EJCMom]

I would vote for sending them. In fact, my 4 and 5 year olds are going up to grandma and grandpa's house for 4 days next week. Grandma and grandpa are even taking them for an overnight trip on their sailboat. I really want my kids to have those wonderful memories of their grandparents that can only be had when they have lots of one-on-one time with their grandparents. It's just different than it is when the parents are around. But, having said all of that, I have no reason not to trust my parents. Maybe you have a rational reason not to trust your in-laws that you didn't feel comfortable posting.

[Guest Cindie2dds]

I was willing to offer a "go with your gut" post until the OP included that she doesn't want *either* grandfather to give normal child care. That doesn't speak to "go with your gut" but instead it's quite possible the OP's "gut" isn't functioning as an accurate gauge.

 

I'll admit, though, I am *so* not a fan of putting "never leaving my kids" or "we never use a sitter" out as a virtue. I believe in many cases, it is *un*healthy parenting.

I don't think it's unhealthy parenting at all. Just because the OP doesn't want any grandfather to bathe her children doesn't mean she has "issues" or her gut isn't functioning as an accurate gauge. She is entitled to her comfort level as a mom.

 

That's what I love about this board. We can agree to respectfully disagree. :D

 

Amber ~ I don't remember who posted it, but I agree about the Dad going to spend the night just to help out. Kids are exhausting, even if the grandparents are young. Dad helping might be the best thing for everyone. :grouphug:

 

From Daisy:

I guess my point is that we are all going to give her varying opinions based on our personal experience. So my advice to the OP is to go with her own instinct rather than the advice of the WTM board.

 

If I disregarded my instincts and my personal experience and chose to make this decision on the basis of what the majority of people on the WTM board would advise, my children would be spending the night with an abusive grandparent.

 

I'm so glad that so many have had wonderful experiences with grandparents, but I imagine the OP is feeling reluctant for a reason and I'm not so quick to write it off as overprotective.

I agree. Edited July 28, 2010 by Cindie2dds

[iammommy]

You are the mom and need to listen to your mama heart. You might not be able to pinpoint the reasons to logic; but if there's a question about anything regarding your children and their well-being, trust yourself. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: Nan

[AnitaMS]

If the mom has a gut instinct, she should go with it.

[BigMamaBird]

I firmly believe in listening to your instinct. What you described wouldn't be a problem for me, but if you feel uncomfortable, then follow your instinct.

[Haiku]

I think you are being too overprotective. These people are family, and your children will benefit from having relationships with them independent of you. It sounds to me like you are overly suspicious of them, and there is the danger of passing that on to your kids.

 

Tara

[May]

I think you are being overprotective. If you are concerned about your in-laws energy level, send them one at a time. I hope to be a grandma one day and look forward to making wonderful memories.