If your child has mild to severe anxiety , would you still homeschool?

[blessedmom3]

My ds 5 has a lot of anxiety when around children or adults he does not know. He was in a pre-K for 6 months but I pulled him out since he was very anxious every day and he did not get better.

 

The developmental pediatrician suggested however that he should be exposed to other children and the "real world" otherwise how is he going to learn to combat his anxiety ? My husband thinks he is still too young and imature to combat.

 

What do you all think and if you have or had a child with anxiety (severe shyness) did he/her get better at home?

 

The last 7-8 months my son was home , surrounded by an older brother (6) and two sis 4 and 1 . We go to karate , library activities , Awana and church .

He did progress a lot academically and started to read fluently and do math stuff but he is still extremly shy . The last week he just started to stutter very , very bad ! There are days when he is not able to speak , get very frustrated and says " I cannot talk anymore " !

 

So I am thinking that maybe the doctor was right and he should be exposed more to a social life to develop his delayed social skills.

[JoyfulMama]

My concern with putting him in school is that in order to cope with the stress of the environment, he may not be able to concentrate in order to absorb the learning.

He is 5. I would allow him the safe secure environment now in order to learn, and continue to have him be involved in those activities that he enjoys. Work with a counsellor to help him learn effective coping mechanisms, if you want. But as he grows he will have to continue to work on developing coping mechanisms.

The response of the doc frustrates me, as the anxiety isn't something he will "snap out of" by submerging him into situations that may exacerbate the anxiety.

Good luck. And listen to your child's limits.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

I think exposing him to new situations carefully and in controlled doses will be easier for him than throwing him in the deep end of all day school. You can always reassess on a yearly basis and decide to put him in school later if you decide he needs it.

[catalinakel]

My 13 year old daughter has Asperger's, which does not necessariily necessitate anxiety, but she does get anxious. She has been homeschooled and public schooled pretty much equally for her entire school experience. I did not want her in school when she was little because it would have been very stressful and that would have been not only unnecessary stress, but detrimental stress. She went to middle school last year and loved it, but was very stressed at the end of each day. This school year, about a month in, she asked to be homeschooled again. The stress of kids cussing, breaking rules and teachers not doing anything about it, and all the sheer noise and chaos of the middle school environment was just too much for her. She is thriving at home using a very tough curriculum with lots of challenges every day. She works in her bedroom by herself for most of the day and she has never been so calm and happy.

 

She is socially awkward, and some might think that she needs to be with people more to learn to deal with people. But I believe that all of her time at home has allowed her to 'grow out of' many of her stress related coping mechanisms in a non-threatening environment. She loves people, but will probably never be the belle of the ball socially. She is just not that way.

 

All this to say that your dr. might think he knows best, but you do, mom. If the child will thrive and grow at home, keep the child home. If school is a place of much stress, why put a child through it if it is not necessary?

[LibraryLover]

Not to be an itchbay, but how does your Dr really know what is truly going on with your *5 * year old? How does he know your *5 * year old is not perfectly, utterly, *fine*?

 

I long for the day when every tiny , sublte , individual behavior is not thought of as abnormal. It's quite possible that your child is not ready for preschool/child care/large groups.

 

Five. 5. 11111. V.

 

Do some folks just set out looking for pathology?

Edited April 7, 2010 by LibraryLover

[TravelingChris]

I have an anxious child and as she has gotten older, she has really become much more comfortable in all sorts of situations. It would have been a very bad idea to put her in a school when she was little. She did not have separation anxiety but other anxious issues. She has jobs with people both volunteer and paid, attends tournaments, plays sports, attends classes, and is one of the children most likely to volunteer comments in those classes. Is she not anxious anymore? No, but it is much more controlled now and not anywhere as disabling as it was when she was younger. Having your son do all kinds of activities with you and some without you but not having full time school is probably the right way to go. Join a sport where you are on the sidelines. Do something like Scouts where again, you or your husband is on the sidelines. Have him take a one hour class in something. Pick him up right when the class ends. That kind of thing is enough for the socially anxious. As others have said, combining treatment for social anxiety with learning is probably a way for neither to occur well. Make the social events be fun things like Cub Scouts or sports or lessons in something he likes. Then do the teaching at home or maybe combine with a co-op for one morning or afternoon a week or month. That is plenty.

[Carrie12345]

As the parent of a child with Asperger's, I firmly believe in gradual, supervised socialization for kids with issues (and without, lol). I don't believe in throwing kids into the deep end of a pool without floaties!

[Joanne]

The developmental pediatrician suggested however that he should be exposed to other children and the "real world" otherwise how is he going to learn to combat his anxiety ? My husband thinks he is still too young and imature to combat.

 

I have a child with anxiety and a bonus student with severe anxiety.

 

More exposure won't help. Slow, supportive, supervised ventures can be part of the tool kit. Abandoning them into uknowns? Nope. That's why I have my bonus student. He got worse instead of better.

 

Now, there *are* times that I push my own child with anxiety (I've even posted about her here). But she's 13, not 5, and it's always in conjunction with me not an institution expecting her there 8+ hours a day.

[Tap]

Yes, becuase it would allow me to be in control of the situations my child is put in until they are older. It would also allow me to get some therapy and develop skills in myself to help my child build confidence to better deal with the situations.

[KJsMom]

Anxiety is the reason we pulled my dd from ps. She was always shy and nervous around new people and ps pushed her over the edge. The other kids picked on her for being a "baby" and none of the adults would admit what what was going on. They said I should take her to "see someone" for an anxiety disorder. I pulled her out in first grade and she is fine. Still a little shy, but no anxiety now.

[Pamela H in Texas]

He's too young for combat. My son had severe anxiety (as well as a number of other issues) as a young'un. It was severe (I can share more privately but don't wish to on the board). Anyway, he's 15 and fine. He just needed time and experiences on his level. There really is no reason to throw them into the deep end with no floaties to teach them to swim. Not only is it not necessary but it can be quite problematic. Slow and steady will work just fine.

[Pretty in Pink]

Your child is just 5 years old. Maybe he has anxiety issues or maybe he is just naturally shy? Either way, yes, I would continue to HS.

[Tree House Academy]

My 10 year old DOES have really significant anxiety. I have noticed a big difference in his coping skills (for the better) since we pulled him out. He is no longer thrust into situations he can't handle. We are able to ease him into these things. For instance, he was very nervous about going back to church after a 5 month hiatus (my fault). At first, he sat with me. The next week or so, he had a friend of his sit with us. By the next week, he went to sit with his friend. Now he is excited and happy to go to church and most always sits with his friends in another part of the church without me (and behaves too!). :) Of course, we could have done this part without homeschooling because it happens on Sundays, but other similar situations have happened where it would have been impossible to help him if he were in ps. I wouldn't go back for anything (he was in ps for 4 years before we pulled him out to homeschool).

[KristenS]

As an adult with an anxiety disorder, and an 8yo son who seems to have inherited my temperament ... no way would I want to send mine to school. Not yet, anyway.

 

We actually did part-time preschool, at our church, because I was in a situation where I needed childcare, and then I ended up helping out with teaching. So I was there to be a support if I spotted him having a hard time (I wasn't in his classroom, but did spend a bit of time with him each day.) He enjoyed it okay. But I've seen him grow more sensitive over the years ... mostly because he's outgrowing the obliviousness he used to have. Being at home is GREAT for him. We do Scouts, church choir, and stuff like that ... just joined Upward Soccer ... and it is SO helpful to be able to see how he handles things, coach him at home if he needs it, and be there as a safety net. I am his scout den leader, but am not always present at his other activities ... some are with daddy, some on his own, so it's not like I hover either. (Although I *am* a big believer in staying with a kid till they're ready for you to leave, maybe with gentle nudges, but never just dumping them while in tears... but that's another rant. So I guess sometimes I am 'That Mom'.)

 

I sometimes wonder if his anxiety is getting worse as he observes and is more aware of my battles with anxiety ... but one plus side is that he also gets to watch me try coping mechanisms, and of course that gives me extra insight into how to coach him through things! He's also become a really compassionate kid.

 

I could ramble on, (and on, LOL), but anyway ... helping my son be who he is and develop on his timetable has really reinforced my desire to homeschool. It was our plan anyway, but this is one benefit that I certainly couldn't have foreseen back when we were planning before the kids were born!

[kokotg]

Some people think the best way to teach a kid to swim is to toss them in the deep end, too. Doesn't mean they're right. My son has a lot of anxiety, and I'm so glad we homeschool him. I push him out of his comfort zone all the time, but I can do it in small steps and choose the situations where I can be pretty sure the risk will be rewarded with a good experience. At five, he was a pretty big mess when it came to group situations. Now, at nearly nine, he still has his issues, but he's SO MUCH better than he was. Maybe things would have worked out okay for him in school, too--who knows? But looking back on my own school experiences...well, I just have my doubts about the magical healing powers of school for kids with social anxiety.

[Colleen in NS]

What do you all think and if you have or had a child with anxiety (severe shyness) did he/her get better at home?

 

Yes, I would still homeschool - it would be all the more reason to homeschool, for me. And yes, my very shy girl overcame her shyness by being home with us most of the time - it gave her time to develop confidence in her own time - no rush. She is very sociable to people now when we go out.

 

The last week he just started to stutter very , very bad ! There are days when he is not able to speak , get very frustrated and says " I cannot talk anymore " !

 

Stuttering, I would think, would get severely made fun of in a school setting, even starting with 5 and 6 year olds. Stuttering would cause me to keep him home and find ways to help him overcome it, at home, where he is comfortable and can work on his speech in a relaxed manner. Reassure him that he will be able to talk clearly again, so he doesn't get the idea in his head that he can't speak properly. Let him know it can be overcome. My dd thought she couldn't read, just because it took her a few years longer to figure it all out than ds did. I just kept working on it with her and told her she would get better and better, and she did. She would not have gotten that reassurance and extra help at school.

 

hth

[dirty ethel rackham]

I do not think that putting a child with anxiety into an anxiety-producing situation would be a good thing. There are many ways to develop social skills - school is not really the best way. It is a sink-or-swim environment. A child with anxiety is not likely to be engaged, but more likely to withdraw further.

 

I have a child with social phobias. Dh wanted to send him to high school, but I put my foot down (as ds was also suffering from depression.) Instead, we chose other avenues (more clubs, more one-on-one socialization and some outside classes) to help with his issues. Just like the 98 lb weakling who doesn't just walk up to the weight rack and bench press 250 lbs his first day out, a child with these kinds of issues may need smaller doses of exposure, and greater likelihood for success. Nothing breeds confidence like success.

[joannqn]

A friend of mine, who was very shy as a kid, provided this advise for another mom on this board when I asked her. I thought it might help you too. (I removed parts that wouldn't apply to your situation.)

 

I was extremely shy as a child but this sounds even more intense than what I experienced. Looking back at my childhood I can identify some of the things that my Mom did that was right for me. My Mom always totally accepted that this was who I was and that the shyness or fear I was feeling was very real for me. She never told me not to feel that way and she never told me that I shouldn't feel that way. As far as I can remember I never saw her express any anger about my idiosyncrasies. I was able to completely trust my mom and knew that she would never force me to do something that I was afraid to do. That feeling of safety and security was very important to me...

 

...You mentioned that you don't want her to "miss out on things". I'm going to guess that as long as she feels safe and secure in her home and is able to enjoy the company of family members that she trusts then she will have happy memories, and hopefully her most important memory will be of a satisfying, happy relationship with her own Mom. :-)

 

Knowing my friend as an adult, I'll say that she says that she is still very shy but you wouldn't know it from watching her. She's always the first to greet a new person, introduce herself, introduce others in the room, and help out. She is sensitive to the feelings of others and always tries to make them comfortable. She's the best of friends.

[MamaSheep]

My son has two official diagnoses, Asperger's Syndrome and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Unofficially (but by "official" personnel who have worked with ds and just agreed with me that doing the official paperwork would not accomplish much) I have been told that ds also has symptoms that correspond with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Oh yes, PTSD. Like combat soldiers. Know why? Because I listened to all those people (many of them various "professionals") who insisted that the best thing for him and his anxiety issues was "socialization" at school. His anxiety did NOT lessen from being around other kids and "getting used to them". That might work for some kids who are just shy or take a while to adjust to new situations, but for us it made things progressively worse and worse. By the end of 3rd grade ds was a real mess. And so were the rest of us from having to cope with ds being in "fight or flight" mode pretty much 24/7. He wanted nothing to do with other kids and (literally!) fought tooth and nail every time we tried to (literally!) drag him somewhere there might be children. He wasn't learning anything. He was mentally and emotionally unstable all. the. time. No exaggeration. It was a big, ugly, stinking mess.

 

It did not get better until dh and I sat the professionals down together at an IEP meeting and said, we keep trying the same things and expecting different results. We cannot go on like this. Something has got to change. We are going to try home schooling. We got mixed responses to this. And frankly, I was terrified. At school he had a whole team of professionals from his one-on-one technician to the school psychologist, to the speech therapist, and all the office ladies (he spent a lot of time in the office...sigh) looking out for him, working with him, and giving each other breaks. At home it was going to be just me. Me and my pre-schooler. Dh worked from home at the time and was there when I needed back-up, but he had to earn a living. I was honestly not sure I could cope with my completely out of control son all day every day and maintain even a shred of sanity. It was hard enough to get him to do even a little bit of homework. What was I thinking? But SOMETHING had to give. And I couldn't think of anything else to try. Fortunately we were able to work out a plan with the school where ds could continue receiving the therapy services there or I'm not sure I'd have had the guts to do it. Looking back, some of it was not all that helpful, but it helped me have the courage to give homeschool a try.

 

Things didn't go from disaster to paradise all at once, and I'm not going to tell you it did. We had a trial run over the summer. By the end of the summer he was "better" enough, and I was getting the hang of it enough, that we could not bring ourselves to put him back in school. But that whole first year of homeschool was psychological (and sometimes physical) warfare. He tore up books. He hid under the table and tried to stab me with a pencil. He hit me and kicked me and tried to bite me. He screamed. All day. But in between we read some stories and played some games and started remembering that he used to love numbers. We raised caterpillars and ladybugs and did other bug-related things because bugs were his passion. We started making it through actual science lessons. Then he started paying attention when I read history lessons to him. By the end of the year he was participating. Not exactly what you'd call "willingly", but he was participating. By the end of the second year he was cooperating most of the time as long as I sat right with him every minute. By the end of the third year he was beginning to actually enjoy learning some things, and was beginning to work on some things independently. This is the end of our fourth year. He is at grade level in most subjects now, has rediscovered a love of reading, actually ASKS for science, and does most of his work independently. (Unless he's in a "MOOD", which does still happen now and then.) He is very, very bright, and before kindergarten he ACHED to learn--when he was three he figured out reading on his own by quizzing me incessantly about refrigerator magnets while I was cooking; when he was four he memorized the names of all the bones in the human body just for fun; when he was five he could add and subtract, was interested in multiplication, and had a fascination with negative numbers--but the school experience made him equate learning with pain, and he has had a hard time working through that. He's still not back to the insatiably curious person I knew when he was little. (I don't miss his tantrums from that age, though....whooo!) He's getting there, and I have hopes, but he's not there yet.

 

He has made a lot more social progress out of school than in it as well. I never worry about him being "agressive" any more. He's quite a gentle soul when he's not panicked out of his ever lovin' mind all day. His Asperger's Syndrome complicates social things for him, but he has become a great deal more empathetic than he used to be. He has good negotiation skills (though he uses them more effectively with adults than with children, as he still is quite anxious about children, especially in crowds). In school he had no friends. He was not interested in friends. He NEVER wanted to have a friend and never EVER wanted kids from school to come to his house. He's still pretty leery about kids' ability to be "friendly", but he does have one very good friend (who he sees as an exception) who is over here almost every day (his mom works and my kids aren't allowed to go to their friends' houses unless a parent is home--family rule--so they don't play there much), and they have gotten to be quite close. They had a sleepover here last night, in fact. Four years ago--after four years of being "socialized" at public school because he needed to be there to learn to be around other kids in the "real world"--that would have been entirely inconceivable. I still hardly believe it myself. He now goes eagerly to museums, restaurants, stores, malls, and other public places (especially when we go during off hours to avoid the crowds). He tolerates church, parks, movie theaters and other places there are lots of people, noise, motion, and other things that make him uncomfortable and nervous. We haven't had a full-blown panic attack in...I don't even know...a long time. In third grade I could've measured that in hours, not days, and certainly not months or years like I do now.

 

He's literally a whole different kid than he was in his public school days. About three quarters of the way through our first year we were reading a story and he laughed--a good, strong, deep belly laugh--and I realized I could not remember the last time I'd heard him so much as giggle. That was a really defining moment for me. Now he laughs pretty much every day. I still love to hear it.

 

But anyway, to answer your question, would I homeschool my anxious child? Yes! A thousand times YES! Homeschool has made all the difference for my anxious child. I wish--I WISH--I had had the nerve to do it sooner. There would have been so much less damage to undo. The stories I could tell you!

 

I'm definitely not here to tell you what to do. (I hate when people do that.) Your child is not my child, and maybe school would be just the thing for your child. I don't know. But I will tell you that for SOME anxious children, school is not only NOT the solution to the problem, it is truly damaging. And homeschool, if you take it seriously and educate yourself about the issues your particular child is dealing with, can be truly a Godsend.

 

Good luck with your decision. I know it can really be a hard one to make.

[amydavis]

My ds9 struggles with anxiety. In fact, his developmental pediatrician has referred to it as selective mutism. Ds attended public school for pre-k through 2nd grade. Academically, he excelled. However, while in the school walls he would not utter a single word for most of each school year. In pre-k he didn't speak to his speech pathologist for the entire year...yes, the.entire.year. Attending all of those years did not do anything to greatly remedy his social anxiety. He did manage to work up to small, hushed whispers when he was called on in class. Fortunately, he had patient teachers that would wait for several awkward moments, as he worked up the courage to mutter his response. The truth is, repeated and guided exposure does help (for my son). Over time he has gotten better in Sunday School, at Church, in both of his dance classes, at homeschool co-op, etc. For us, we knew that with time and patience ds would get better in most social situations. For our family, it was simply that the public school system was not an environment that we felt the need to learn to adapt to, socially or otherwise. Once the light bulb went on, I realized that our family was supposed to be homeschooling and that I could provide a better education for my children. My son is defined by more than his anxiety. And for us, even if public school was the ideal institution for remedying anxiety, his anxiety "needs" do not trump all of his other needs. But obviously, my opinion is that public school is not the ideal place to work on his anxiety. By homeschooling my ds, I continually expose him to a variety of social situations. More importantly, I am there to coach and guide him. And obviously, I love and care for him more than his public school teacher would. I am much more invested in incorporating goals that work toward his overall achievement - including emotional, spiritual, educational, physical - than any school teacher could be. I'd say that you should listen to your gut, and not the doctor's. I can't imagine anyone helping your child, more than you can and are.

[Luanne]

Anxiety isn't something that goes away with repeated exposure. It's just more likely to get worse. I agree with your husband.

 

You don't need to coddle the anxiety but you do need to make him feel safe and secure and then encourage small steps (not giant leaps) to build his confidence while at the same time giving him the tools to deal with new situations.

 

Walk through a new social situation ahead of time, act it out and give him a chance to feel more comfortable before you even go somewhere. Encourage independence but give him security and the chance to grow up in his own time. He is still so very little.

 

As someone who has lived with anxiety, throwing him into a stressful situation is likely to cause total shutdown, not make him a social butterfly.

 

 

:iagree:

[Jilly]

My youngest son has anxiety and selective mutism. I have had many professionals tell me that he would be better off in school. I never agreed with that, and I knew (because I also struggled with anxiety when I was little) that he would be happier at home. I have been working with him at home, and he is constantly making progress. He does not need the school environment to help him deal with the anxiety. Having a secure environment at home and a strong support group has helped him far more. :)

[Needleroozer]

He does not need the school environment to help him deal with the anxiety. Having a secure environment at home and a strong support group has helped him far more. :)

 

:iagree:

I found this to be so for my dd as well. As a baby/toddler/ and preschooler we dealt with agoraphobia and severe claustrophobia; she was very pain-sensitive, was extremely shy, and had selective mutism as well. Add in extreme noise sensitivity and stranger anxiety, night terrors, etc. and you have a good picture of what she was dealing with.

 

I think allowing her to work through her issues at home really helped her. She was able to work through it at home in her own time, in her own ways. We still had playdates, were part of homeschooling groups, etc. so she had chances to practice her social skills, but always in safe environments, with me to help her if she needed it, and with other homeschooled kids. This kid also needed a whole lotta alone time. She had to have time to herself to recover from being social. I honestly think it made a world of difference for her. She is amazingly secure in herself now, and you would never know it was the same kid most days. She has come so very far.

 

I also think learning about learning styles and multiple intelligences really helped me to help her- when I think of her as intra-personal as opposed to extra shy or anxious, it really makes a difference. I just accepted that this was the way she was, and tried not to look at her as being different or wrong. That was a lot more powerful for both of us. THey can get that at home better than at school, I think. My dh and I both feel that she would not have been able to "outgrow" her social issues nearly as well at school as she did at home.

[Peela]

Not to be an itchbay, but how does your Dr really know what is truly going on with your *5 * year old? How does he know your *5 * year old is not perfectly, utterly, *fine*?

 

I long for the day when every tiny , sublte , individual behavior is not thought of as abnormal. It's quite possible that your child is not ready for preschool/child care/large groups.

 

Five. 5. 11111. V.

 

Do some folks just set out looking for pathology?

 

:iagree:

The kid is 5. He's shy. Thats ok. He doesn't need to be "pushed" out of his shyness. It's not a pathology to feel anxious around people at age 5, or even to be extremely shy. Some people are just like that.

I would protect him from being overwhelmed by what he finds fearful, and slowly, gently, let him grow up in his own time, in his own way, under your wing. He will learn toovercome his shyness in his own way, as life presents opportunities that seem too fun to hold back from.

My 3year old went to 4 year old kindergarten (the year he turned 4). He screamed every day until I pulled him out- eventually I pulled himout of school too- he is now a very secure and socially confident teenager. Being forced into a situation that is too uncomfortable for a child, a sensitive child, is more likely to CREATE pathologies than prevent them. What is so wrong with gentle, protective loving of our kids? Why do we need to toughen up our small people? Is that the world we want for them- that they all become tough, learn to push down their feeings ?

Homeschooling does not mean one is at home all day, over protected from modern society. Your son will go to classes, will meet the extended family, will meet the plumber when he turns up to fix the toilet, will meet the shop assistants when he goes shopping with you, have friends...homeschooling is still in the world. It's just not forcing a child into the rough world of institionalised schooling. How many of us have emotional scars from that sort of attitude?

Dont give up your authority as mother and as an intellignt, intuitive person, to a paediatrician who has been educated by a system that does not take good care of individuals, and who cant possibly know your son as well as you do. I dont understand why U.S. people seem toall go to paediatricians- I have never taken my kids to one- why on earth have we given up our natural parenting insitncts to people like that?

[Needleroozer]

Stuttering, I would think, would get severely made fun of in a school setting, even starting with 5 and 6 year olds. Stuttering would cause me to keep him home and find ways to help him overcome it, at home, where he is comfortable and can work on his speech in a relaxed manner. Reassure him that he will be able to talk clearly again, so he doesn't get the idea in his head that he can't speak properly. Let him know it can be overcome. My dd thought she couldn't read, just because it took her a few years longer to figure it all out than ds did. I just kept working on it with her and told her she would get better and better, and she did. She would not have gotten that reassurance and extra help at school.

 

hth

 

I was a late talker, and was extremely shy. I had such problems with stuttering, and the way the other kids and the teachers treated me did not help. I stopped talking when I was in 1st grade, and had issues with selective mutism till I was 11 or so.

I really agree with folks that putting a child with social anxieties or other "abnormalities" for lack of a better word, is like throwing them into the deep end. I know my situation would have been so much less stressful, and healthy had my folks and teachers treated the situation a bit differently. When my father and first grade teacher decided I should be right-handed instead of a lefty on top of everything else, it just about threw me over the edge.

All this to say, that having them at home gives them time. Time they need to outgrown, or learn to deal with their differences. Not all kids thrive in a school environment, but I have met very few who did not thrive in a homeschool situation.

[oldskool]

My oldest was a very anxious and sensitive child. I regret putting her in PS during those early years. It had a negative effect and being in the "real world" only increased her anxiety. There is not a lot of positive support in a large classroom. We were also told by the school counselor and teachers that she will have to become used to stressful environments in order to gain coping skills. I have come to know how untrue that is and wish I never listened to the so called professionals who really did not know my family or our daughters situation at all. By becoming comfortable with herself at home with the love and support of family she has soared. She has been home for three years now and is so much more confident and happy then she was at PS.

[Mom0012]

I haven't read all the posts, but if my child was suffering from social anxiety, this would encourage me to homeschool. I think putting such a child in a situation that is going to make them anxious for many hours a day will only increase the anxiety and probably lead to other problems.

 

Lisa

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Anxiety isn't something that goes away with repeated exposure. It's just more likely to get worse. I agree with your husband.

 

You don't need to coddle the anxiety but you do need to make him feel safe and secure and then encourage small steps (not giant leaps) to build his confidence while at the same time giving him the tools to deal with new situations.

 

Walk through a new social situation ahead of time, act it out and give him a chance to feel more comfortable before you even go somewhere. Encourage independence but give him security and the chance to grow up in his own time. He is still so very little.

 

As someone who has lived with anxiety, throwing him into a stressful situation is likely to cause total shutdown, not make him a social butterfly.

:iagree:

[Crystal in VA]

My 11yo dd has Selective Mutism, which is a form of an anxiety disorder. We've always homeschooled. At times it has been very hard for me because I felt that a lot of people thought it was BECAUSE we homeschooled that she was like that. She comes from a long line of family with shyness issues and anxiety problems. ;)

 

A couple of years ago when I discovered that there was something called Selective Mutism and that it seemed to fit my dd to a tee, we decided to see a therapist for it. She suggested that we let her do her own thing...not to make a big deal when she did talk out in public, which people use to do when they finally heard her speak.:tongue_smilie: Not to push her too much. Really, the advice was to support her and give her the opportunity to grow into herself. I think hsing has been huge in that! She is exposed to lets of different surroundings and people through everyday life, but at a pace that she could learn to cope and be comfortable in. I don't think she would have flourished in ps...at least not without causing a great deal more stress on her first. It's just a totally different environment with different expectations. That and the fact that kids can be so cruel in school. :glare:

 

I have to say that this year I have really seen a significant improvement in her! She is starting to handle things on her own instead of letting her sisters talk for her. She stills has times when she gets flustered and will shut down..but we're working on it. :001_smile: We've had lots of conversations about the situation and let's of pep-talks too to encourage her. It's been a family effort, which I think has made a difference for her.

 

Of course, there really is no way that I can know how she would of turned out if she had been made to go to ps, but my dh and I feel that she has really benefited by being hsed.

 

So yes...

 

keep homeschooling!!! :D

[KristenS]

Reading through the rest of this thread, it just struck me ... we know a kid (preschool, probably 5 by now) at our church who would fit the label of selective mutism. She simply never talks ... not in Sunday School, hardly even at Children's Choir (though she likes to attend), just ... never. I've subbed in her class many times and seen it.

 

The cool thing? I don't think ANYone in our church really worries all that much about it -- teachers, parents, the other kids, and the general congregation. 'K' simply doesn't talk. No big deal. Ask her a question, invite her to participate, give her time to think it over, and move on if she chooses not to respond. A hug every now and then, and compliments when she does do an activity.

 

I had never thought of her as possibly fitting a label before ... she's just a kid who has this quirk. My own 5yo and my 8yo enjoy playing with her, as do the other kids. (My son ran up to me in shock the other day though, because she actually spoke a few words!) I guess I figure, my kids are quirky, so is this one, no big deal. But it's cool because that seems to be how others treat it too.

 

All that ramble to say ... I think we are helping her because we all like her and accept her for who she is. Sure, we stumble and maybe push too much sometimes and not enough at others ... but we double-check with Mom later if we're worried. :) The classes are very small, so we get to actually know the kids, and that helps so much.

 

I don't know how she'll fare in PS kindergarten next year (I think that's what she'll be doing). But I hope she'll still be surrounded by loving adults who take her as she is. I do worry about that a bit, for her.

[ktog29]

My son (9) has a dx of separation anxiety disorder (dx at age 5). He was in public school for the first half of K and it was a nightmare. The administration (caring and wonderful folks!) had to PEEL him off of me every morning. His anxiety was paralyzing in every area of our lives...he couldn't be in a room alone. We stuck it out with school and mid-year we moved to a new state. We chose a Catholic school for him to attend. He cried on the 1st day. That night, new K teacher and I brainstormed and then made a plan for him. From his second day on at that school, he LOVED it. He thrived. The anxiety in other areas of his life decreased. He stayed in school through 2nd grade. He's now in his first year homeschooling and is doing very well. I think if you find the right school with the right teachers, you can have great success in school even with anxiety.

 

For our son, I think he needed to see that he could do it. That if he needed help, he could ask someone besides Mom and Dad and that the world is a pretty good place. I couldn't tell you what it was that drove dh and me to keep him in school but we were on the same page. For our son, it needed to happen.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Sahamamama]

My ds 5 has a lot of anxiety when around children or adults he does not know. He was in a pre-K for 6 months but I pulled him out since he was very anxious every day and he did not get better. The developmental pediatrician suggested however that he should be exposed to other children and the "real world" otherwise how is he going to learn to combat his anxiety? My husband thinks he is still too young and immature to combat. What do you all think?

 

I would keep him home. Here's why:

 

He is five years old. From what you've written, he does not seem to be seriously "behind" or "delayed." He is progressing, right? Learning to read and do basic arithmetic? That is what you want to see, his movement along the continuum of learning and growing, not that he is exactly like every other five year old boy. He is himself, and home is the best place where you can let him be himself. At five, he doesn't need to "combat" anything!

 

He already has a "real world" life and peer interaction. With three siblings, two parents, church, AWANA, karate, and library -- what more could he possibly need or want? Teach him to read, print, and count at home. Read aloud to him, let him play outside often, and give him lots of hugs and snuggles. When you do go out as a family, model confidence and the enjoyment of a new activity or setting. Don't focus on the anxiety that you think he might feel, but don't try to push him past it, either. Just lead him where you want him to follow, KWIM?

 

He feels insecure outside the family unit. He manifests this by acting "shy." Shyness, as a psychological term, is used to describe a person's feeling of apprehension, lack of confidence, or awkwardness in new situations and/or with unfamiliar people. This may be caused by genetic factors, environment, personality, and/or (in extreme cases) mercury poisoning. If you've ruled out mercury poisoning, your son may have an introverted personality. This means that, given the choice, he would choose to avoid social situations (especially those that are unfamiliar and uncomfortable), because he derives no reward from them. If you home educate him, he will have more time to mature and develop within those settings that are not overwhelmingly painful for him. What does delight your son?

 

He stutters. Years ago, I dated someone who stuttered (all the boys and men in his family did). It was very difficult for him to speak in public, or with a large group, or when meeting new/unfamiliar people. But with me he was always able to relax and let the words flow unhindered. One thing that really helped him was for me to speak slowly. If you can monitor the pace of your speech, remember to set a slow speech pattern for your son to imitate. I have no idea why your son stutters, but this is something that helped someone I cared about. With regard to your son, I would probably seek out a licensed speech therapist to work with him, or at least do some research about stuttering and how to handle this as a family.

 

http://www.stuttering.com/child.htm

 

Please take special note of Guideline #5, "Reduce all sources of stress in the environment to as great an extent as possible." HTH.

[Guest rachnov1]

Well my daughter's nearly 8, I've only just withdrawn her from primary school in June to home educate her so its still pretty early days for us now. She's got all the hallmarks of selective mutism since she was a baby. However, after having repeated requests with her ex-school to have her formally assessed by the ed psych ignored, she's never actually been statemented - which might be a good thing in a way, I suppose... as I'm not sure what good a "Special Needs" label might do for her and not only that, it could complicate things for us when we took the decision to homeschool. That said, I do have my worries about the socialisation chestnut sometimes. I know its only been 2 months, and she still hasn't shown any improvement in her inability to talk in public social settings, and that I should just wait and see a bit more. But there's no doubt in my mind that by taking her out of school to home ed her was the best thing for her. She has become a much happier child... and the thing is, she really doesn't seem to desire having lots of friends. She is very happy with us, with her younger sister and brother. She had lots of bad experiences in school where she got hit and verbally abused by bullies for being the way she is, and her so-called friends betraying her on very random and frequent days where they'd just push her out of their group and tell her she's not allowed to join in... She has a handful of friends whom she talks to and whom we approve of her seeing (as they are the children of close family friends, every time they meet to play, its a controlled situation, so no worries about anything getting out of hand!)

 

Her school head disapproved of our decision to home ed, saying she needs the "socialisation" aspect of school to get over her "shyness" (the school always maintained it was just shyness and nothing else)... well I disagree. She was developing school phobia since the start of the bullying late last year, crying before going to school, saying she doesn't want to go in, stuff like that. I think the socialisation aspect of school can be a good thing especially if a child has no issues that can interfere with this, but if a child has lots of anxiety about socialisation, then throwing them in such situations every day can only stress them out further and give cause to class bullies to pick on them.

 

I'm glad to see so many people on this thread actually agree with the notion that dumping a child with anxiety into school on a daily basis can be really detrimental and may even prevent them from learning to deal with their problem.

Edited August 9, 2010 by rachnov1

[Mommee & Baba]

Anxiety isn't something that goes away with repeated exposure. It's just more likely to get worse. I agree with your husband.

 

You don't need to coddle the anxiety but you do need to make him feel safe and secure and then encourage small steps (not giant leaps) to build his confidence while at the same time giving him the tools to deal with new situations.

 

Walk through a new social situation ahead of time, act it out and give him a chance to feel more comfortable before you even go somewhere. Encourage independence but give him security and the chance to grow up in his own time. He is still so very little.

 

As someone who has lived with anxiety, throwing him into a stressful situation is likely to cause total shutdown, not make him a social butterfly.

 

:iagree:100%!!

[EKS]

I would be more likely to homeschool. Making an anxious child *more* anxious isn't going to solve anything.

[SOCKSINFOX]

I think your son is much more likely to learn positive methods for dealing with his anxiety by being exposed in small doses with a loving safe adult nearby who can help him muster his courage up and teach him coping skills for dealing with the anxiety. Our son is pretty shy and he (now 6) is better able to deal with people every year, we just make sure he has plenty of opportunities to be around others in a setting where he feels safe and secure.

[Guest]

My daughter came home after two years of part-time preschool during which she was nearly totally mute. She was later diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome which, as several posters have noted, often comes along with hefty anxiety issues. These peaked in the elementary school years. By late elementary she was in a co-op part-time, and today, at fourteen, she is steadily growing more confident and capable. Although she still has occasional anxiety attacks, she is also learning how to calm herself, what things help and what things do not, ways to relieve stress -- things I don't think she could have figured out unless she were at home free to experiment and try things outside of the usual psychological toolbox (deep breathing, yoga, stretching -- she hates them all).

 

Talking about anxiety, learning unique ways to de-stress herself, offering her brief periods of time with small groups of people in structured situations: these are things I've made central to homeschooling.

[Elizabeth in WA]

My 13 year old daughter has Asperger's, which does not necessariily necessitate anxiety, but she does get anxious. She has been homeschooled and public schooled pretty much equally for her entire school experience. I did not want her in school when she was little because it would have been very stressful and that would have been not only unnecessary stress, but detrimental stress. She went to middle school last year and loved it, but was very stressed at the end of each day. This school year, about a month in, she asked to be homeschooled again. The stress of kids cussing, breaking rules and teachers not doing anything about it, and all the sheer noise and chaos of the middle school environment was just too much for her. She is thriving at home using a very tough curriculum with lots of challenges every day. She works in her bedroom by herself for most of the day and she has never been so calm and happy.

 

She is socially awkward, and some might think that she needs to be with people more to learn to deal with people. But I believe that all of her time at home has allowed her to 'grow out of' many of her stress related coping mechanisms in a non-threatening environment. She loves people, but will probably never be the belle of the ball socially. She is just not that way.

 

All this to say that your Dr. might think he knows best, but you do, mom. If the child will thrive and grow at home, keep the child home. If school is a place of much stress, why put a child through it if it is not necessary?

 

My 14 year old with Asperger's has also been in and out of public school. His IEP also says he has "selective mutism" which just means he refuses to talk when overwhelmed and surrounded by strangers, and especially when put on the spot by a teacher or nosy stranger. He really doesn't seem to be able to talk in those situations, so it;s not a discipline issue, its more of an extreme anxiety issue.

 

He spent two years in a school social behavior program with a 4:1 child:adult ratio in which his social skills and ability to navigate the world improved dramatically, but educationally it was more of a wash. Educationally, he does much better at home. As someone else mentioned he just can't concentrate on academic learning and social skills at the same time. Since we moved away from the small social behavior program, I brought him back home and brought his academics back up.

 

We just started Tae Kwon Do as a family in which I am hoping to help him get social practice. There are free arcade games at the dojang and a fair amount of hanging out before and after class to add to the experience. But, I can also be there to monitor and redirect if things should start to go badly.

 

All of that said, I would not suggest sending your anxious child to school unless a program was in place to help him. At 5, I wouldn't be worried about the academics since you can easily do that at home, but would not send him to school for social reasons unless he was genuinely going to be helped with his social anxiety. Just throwing him in there might just make it worse or unchanged, and also leave you teaching the academics he was unable to concentrate on. My sons small class was taught by a therapist and every kid had individual and group therapy every week during the only two good years he spent in public school. When he was in regular classrooms, he did not improve socially AND did not progress academically.

 

It's not easy to raise these special children or to balance their social issues with their academic needs. You have lots of time at 5, and are doing pretty well in my book if are aware of and dealing as best you can with the issues.

 

:grouphug:

[katemary63]

Anxiety isn't something that goes away with repeated exposure. It's just more likely to get worse. I agree with your husband.

 

You don't need to coddle the anxiety but you do need to make him feel safe and secure and then encourage small steps (not giant leaps) to build his confidence while at the same time giving him the tools to deal with new situations.

 

Walk through a new social situation ahead of time, act it out and give him a chance to feel more comfortable before you even go somewhere. Encourage independence but give him security and the chance to grow up in his own time. He is still so very little.

 

As someone who has lived with anxiety, throwing him into a stressful situation is likely to cause total shutdown, not make him a social butterfly.

 

 

:iagree:Right on! People with social anxiety DO NOT get comfortable being around people just because they are forced to be around people! Patience, understanding, maturity, medications, counceling, strategies and careful exposure under low pressure situations can help. Forced socialization when you're petrified will not. Ask my 48 year old husband. (Still mildly anxious after all these years, but better every day on his own terms!)

[Food4Thought]

But anyway, to answer your question, would I homeschool my anxious child? Yes! A thousand times YES! Homeschool has made all the difference for my anxious child. I wish--I WISH--I had had the nerve to do it sooner. There would have been so much less damage to undo. The stories I could tell you!

 

 

MamaSheep, I just want to thank you for sharing so much of your story. You have really encouraged me, as I prepare for 1st grade with my Aspie, that I am making the right decision. Thankfully, his doctor is one of the best advocates of homeschooling in the area, but your story just seals the deal. I'm glad you've seen so much improvement over the last few years. :grouphug:

[kwickimom]

My DS4 is extremely shy. He makes himself so upset about going to sunday school class that he throws up. He has been crying about going to preschool for 2 years. He would have nightmares about going. Many people told me that he needed to go to school and I NEEDED to just leave him in sunday school and let him cry til he throws up.

 

NO WAY. I refuse to let a kid who is terrified of being left alone without his parents be shoved into situations he is not ready for. I have a huge family and he does fine around them (we dont see them very often..they live far away so its not people he sees all the time) He is a very personable little guy and once he meets someone he will always say Hi and use their name the next time he sees them. The older guys at church love him. He is "buddies" with old farmers because he loves tractors :001_smile: He is well adjusted and is talkative at home, the kid just hates being left by himself. He is 4. I refuse to let people bully me into thinking he is better off just ripped away from me and stuck into situations he is not ready for.

 

I suffered with sever panic attacks for years. And I tell you that I probably would have freaked out and ended up in the hospital if I was forced into certain situations...and I was 23. I cant imagine what a shy scared little 4 or 5 year old is going through.

 

You hang in there and keep HS'ing. My DS is most of the reason I thought about HS'ing in the first place. I am totally confident that we just need to nurture them and make them feel safe until they reach an age and time that they feel confident enough to be on their own. I do not think children even need to be in school at age 3 4 and 5. I think that is a time to protect and nurture. I am going to hang onto my DS as long as he lets me :001_smile:

[Night Elf]

I am in that boat, and yes I homeschool. Absolutely. Find a new doctor.

[elise1mds]

As the parent of a child with Asperger's, I firmly believe in gradual, supervised socialization for kids with issues (and without, lol). I don't believe in throwing kids into the deep end of a pool without floaties!

 

:iagree:

 

My son has Asperger's, ADHD, and anxiety. That IS why I homeschool. I put him in kindergarten, and he melted. It was horrid for everyone. He is much happier at home and does much better around groups of children now, too.

[Barb_]

I began my homeschooling journey because my oldest was a child like you describe. Schooling was damaging her. I can't imagine how she would be had I forced school on her. Instead she developed her social skills in a safe environment on her own time. Your doctor is just guessing. You are the expert when it comes to your child.

 

Barb

[KS_]

Having a secure environment at home and a strong support group has helped him far more. :)

 

I agree, too. My ds was extremely shy and had a lot of anxiety in new situations and with new people. We just supported him and did not push (I was pushed and it only made my anxiety worse). He's now 11 and is very good with people, confident in new situations, and has been able to mature because of the support he had. He even decided on his own to go to boys' church camp for a week this summer and had a great time.

[Laurie4b]

I used to be a child mental health professional and it is hard for me not to be angry reading what your dr. told you. It is absolutely ignorant. There is treatment for anxiety: it involves moving step-by-step of one's own free will and choice into situations that are progressively more anxiety-provoking. First, the therapist teaches how to physiologically relax when anxiety hits. Next, the client and therapist construct a hierarchy of situations from least to mot anxiety provoking. The first assignment is for the client to confront the least anxiety-provoking situation while practicing relaxation and coping techniques. Once the easiest situation has become comfortable, the client moves on to the next situation. It is done by controlled baby-steps, not by forced exposure! (Meds are sometimes needed as well, though not all the time.) I believe your dr. is speaking more from a bias about homeschooling than from any knowledge whatsoever of anxiety treatment.

 

I would homeschool, but work with a cognitive-behavioral child's therapist on dealing with the social anxiety. That is very, very important and won't go away on its own. But your child may not be ready for large classroom environments for quite a while (if that's the goal you are working toward.). Homeschooling gives you the option of gradual, step-by-step treatment for the social anxiety.

[Mom2J112903]

I read your title and thought "this is *why* we homeschool J.

 

I refuse to have my child on anti-anxiety meds and be sick every morning just to be "with other children in the real world".

 

We do things on *his* terms, and guess what-he is already more social and less anxiety filled! Just knowing he wasn't going back to Catholic school made a *huge* difference with him.

[gaillardia]

Anxiety isn't something that goes away with repeated exposure. It's just more likely to get worse. I agree with your husband.

 

You don't need to coddle the anxiety but you do need to make him feel safe and secure and then encourage small steps (not giant leaps) to build his confidence while at the same time giving him the tools to deal with new situations.

 

Walk through a new social situation ahead of time, act it out and give him a chance to feel more comfortable before you even go somewhere. Encourage independence but give him security and the chance to grow up in his own time. He is still so very little.

 

As someone who has lived with anxiety, throwing him into a stressful situation is likely to cause total shutdown, not make him a social butterfly.

:iagree:

[bzymom]

Anxiety is one of the main reasons we homeschool our son. I went against my instincts & listened to the "experts" for years, and I regret it. His entire demeanor changed once he was released from the stress of the school environment.

 

Listen to your head & your heart.

[AlaskaGrownFamily]

I would definitely homeschoo in your/his situation.