Help with a perfectionistic daughter!

[Daisy]

My almost 9yo daughter (oldest child) would rather die than ask for help. When she gets frustrated (and she gets REALLY frustrated) by a subject or by piano she just melts down and then refuses to talk. For example, she lost it over her piano theory book today. She basically couldn't do it. I was trying to help her but I'm only marginally better than her at piano (she takes private lessons). Her responses dissolved into grunts and head shakes, refused to talk, sulked, and banged on the keyboard. I told her to go to her room. She won't even articulate what she is having problems with. She just jerks her body around and physcially sulks. It DRIVES ME NUTS and of course then I start to get upset! I cannot get her to communicate. This is the girl who usually never stops talking. That is so not the case when she is mad and frustrated. I just don't know how to get her to calm down and use her words. She never does ask for help even when she calms down. She is determined to do it on her own. She is 100% a perfectionist. She is hugely independent (has always been) and I just don't know how to help her. Half the time I can't figure out what she doesn't understand b/c she won't say a single word about it.

 

She does the same thing only calmer with the piano teacher. The teacher will ask her an easy question but she is so upset at the thought of being WRONG that she just sits there and stares at the teacher like a deer in the headlights. This girl is smart as a whip!! I know that I tend to be hard on her (I'm a bit of a perfectionist myself) but I have explained over and over and over again that it is okay to be wrong and that I just want to help her.

 

Well, if nothing else, I've been able to vent. I know this is all my fault whether through nurture or shared genes, but I'm at a lost. I just want to help her. I'd love to save her from being like me.:crying:

[Plucky]

I lived through this with my dd, too. Both my older kids tend towards perfectionism. My dd though had it bad.

 

We butted heads in piano and schoolwork. She had meltdowns with her teacher as well. You're handling it right. Most of it is talking, talking, talking when she is calmed down about how everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect, we learn only through mistakes, etc. We talked about all the famous inventors and how very many failures they experienced - thousand of mistakes all put to good use.

 

When she started to lose it I'd send her to her room to calm down. Then when she was calm we'd talk and go over whatever we were doing previously. It took time but with patience and maturity she got over it. So I would say most of it is maturity.

 

Hang in there and keep loving, training, and talking to her. She will outgrow most of this behavior and will be far better adjusted from your hard work with her. :)

[nmoira]

The book Mindset by Carol Dweck has helped me immensely with my young perfectionist. I've also heard good things about Raising Resilient Children, but haven't had time to read it.