Homeschooled boys with mom too much???

[jenL]

I have a friend who is struggling with what to do with her son since K is coming for him in the fall. She does not feel he's ready to go, nor does she want him gone for all day K. About 4 months ago, she was adamantly against homeschooling for her children, although she is extremely supportive of me and other hs families she knows because she believes it's all about the best choice for your child.

 

Anyway, today she mentioned that she's considering it for next year and possibly another year or two after (then her son would go to private school). She's still very new to this ideology and is even surprised that she's even considering hsing now. One of her concerns in with hsing, which I'm struggling to understand, is if a boy should spend that much time with his mom. To her, she feels he needs outside influences because he's a boy. She openly admits that if he were a daughter, she would not be hesitating. She knows it may be ridiculous to think this way, but it's a genuine feeling she has.

 

Having 2 boys, I obviously think a mom's influence is fantastic, but she is not the first person who I've heard say this about homeschooled boys.

 

If you are a mom of boys, have you ever encountered this? If so, what did you do/say? Is there literature, a study, etc. of which I could direct her? She is open-minded and wants to be educated, so I know she'd welcome suggestions. She's Christian, so either secular or cc would be welcome.

Edited February 18, 2010 by jenL
added info

[lionfamily1999]

 

If you are a mom of boys, have you ever encountered this? If so, what did you do/say? Is there literature, studies, etc. of which I could direct her? She is open-minded and wants to be educated, so I know she'd welcome suggestions. She's Christian, so either secular or cc would be welcome.

Well, dh was a little hesitant about having "momma's boys," but the more we talked about it and the longer we do this, the more he SEES that the boys are still boys, regardless of my feminine influence. At the same time, my older ds does have a greater understanding and love of poetry and he even finger knits :lol:

 

I think boys are given a greater chance to be fully who they are when they're protected from the stereotypes prevalent in many schools. There's no pressure for my boys to be manly, all the same they do try to be tough (I do think masculinity is ingrained in the Y chromosome to an extent, just not the extent that is generally accepted among younger boys/and some older men).

 

I really don't think you need a different curriculum than what you would use for a girl. Imo, that could be detrimental. Don't focus on math and science just because those are supposed to be more boyish. I think a well-read, well-rounded man is far more appealing than a brute.

[Rosy]

Well, when you consider that these boys would most likely have female teachers at school, I don't think the argument holds water.

 

However, I do believe that a boy's relationship with his mom is different than a girl's with her mom, and I think it's good for moms to be prepared for that. My son (2nd grade) tends to need a lot of time with his dad and a lot of "reminders" to use a respectful voice, to follow directions with a good attitude, etc. He doesn't like school, no matter how much I tailor it to his interests, and he's not academically inclined, where all of his sisters are. So I have to be really careful to preserve our relationship and not to push him too hard, but still gain his cooperation when necessary.

 

A friend of mine is in a different phase with her 6th grader. She has noticed that he is starting to pull away from her and resent her authority. She was given the counsel that this is common with kids that age, especially boys, and is working on loosening the control reins a bit but still keeping his respect.

 

But to some degree, those are issues for all kids. And I tend to think that young boys should avoid a school setting even more than young girls--they just aren't wired to sit still and listen and do busywork all day.

[joannqn]

It sounds like she's worried about him being too overly influenced by mom (mama's boy) and not getting enough outside or manly influence to counteract that? If that's the case, there are other options than public school...

 

Choose boy-relevant literature (ie. Where the Red Fern Grows rather than Heidi)

 

Get dad involved more. Perhaps he could step up the father/son activities (ie. camping, sports, boy scouts), teach a subject or two, or even pick up some enrichment subjects (science projects) on the weekends.

 

Look for other male mentors to get involved. Maybe grandpa is available. Perhaps they know someone who is an expert in the boy's area of interest.

 

Find extracurricular activities that boys tend to be involved in: cub scouts, 4-H, football, taekwondo, a boy's swim team, etc.

[Sweetpeach]

Having my boys with grow up predominately under my influence was, is and will be a concern of mine until we're finished this hs'ing journey. I'm always looking for ways to dilute their view that the buck stops with Mom.

 

Though my boys are only 11 and 9, I work hard at respecting them as young men. I don't want my boys to cower under my authority . . . the working out of school expectations definitely has to be realized in the midst of authentic and developing relationship between the boys and I. I need to know how to back off and let my boys grow up into healthy men.

 

We make sure our boys have lots of "man time" whether that is at church, at the sports they play, with DH, with church buddies. I tolerate rough-housing, they play rough sports. I want our Man-Cubs to be fully engaged with their masculinity.

 

That turned into a soapbox rant . . . :tongue_smilie:

 

I guess all the above to say that I think it's a reasonable point for conversation and figuring out what you want your mother/teacher role to look like!

 

Warmly, Tricia

[Colleen in NS]

One of her concerns in with hsing, which I'm struggling to understand, is if a boy should spend that much time with his mom. To her, she feels he needs outside influences because he's a boy.

 

Whenever my dh is around and available, my son gravitates to him. He likes being around me, and talks with me, and does most of his academic learning with me. But when dh is there, it's punches and wrestling matches and man-talk all around.

[Tree House Academy]

My Father-in-law (dh's step dad) is CONSTANTLY making remarks about how my kids need male friends. Forget that they have male friends at church, at co-op, and at TKD. FIL thinks they need to be with said male friends 8 hours a day, 5 days a week (i.e public school) for it to "count." We discount him completely and get really annoyed when he starts up.

[Kissy]

I think boys being around mom teach them about the opposite sex. They don't learn to be feminine or anything. I have 2 boys and we homeschool and I have never thought about whether that would be too much of my involvement in their lives. If it wasn't me it would be a woman teacher. My oldest went to public school for 3 years and never had a male teacher for anything not even sports. He isn't feminine, he does like to read and make good grades. However he loves doing "boy" things. In my son's public school there was only one male teacher in the whole school and the whole office was also female only. He never saw men at school. Now he sees men go to work when his dad is off he gets to participate in things dad is doing that otherwise he would have to be at school during those times.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Have her read the book, Real Boys : Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood,

by William Pollack.

 

The idea that boys need to be removed from their mothers at a young age is one of the myths addressed in the book. The opposite is actually true. Yanking a boy from the security of his home (and his mother) before he is ready is much more damaging than letting him stay under her influence. Those boys are forced to deal with the world before they have the tools to do so. In the worst (but common) cases, they end up being crippled, emotionally -- not knowing how to feel anything but anger, and not knowing how to deal with problems in any way except through violence. In less extreme cases, they grow up stuffing all their feelings, and acting out in negative ways, because they've been taught that "boys don't cry". Giving a boy more time at home with mom allows him to develop a healthy foundation of emotions and responses in a safe and secure environment.

[Lightly Salted]

Have her read the book, Real Boys : Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood,

by William Pollack.

 

The idea that boys need to be removed from their mothers at a young age is one of the myths addressed in the book. The opposite is actually true. Yanking a boy from the security of his home (and his mother) before he is ready is much more damaging than letting him stay under her influence. Those boys are forced to deal with the world before they have the tools to do so. In the worst (but common) cases, they end up being crippled, emotionally -- not knowing how to feel anything but anger, and not knowing how to deal with problems in any way except through violence. In less extreme cases, they grow up stuffing all their feelings, and acting out in negative ways, because they've been taught that "boys don't cry". Giving a boy more time at home with mom allows him to develop a healthy foundation of emotions and responses in a safe and secure environment.

 

I agree, and I'd suggest this one as well: Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

 

http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/037550821X

 

Most kids in school will have a female teacher, which isn't much different from being taught at home by Mom. Schooled kids will, however, be far more influenced by their peers than by their teachers, and that's not always a great thing ;)

[Liz CA]

Hsing ds has not at all influenced his masculinity and he is 18 now.

He had an involved Dad and male friends in his youth group.

He knew I was working with him on the academics while he learned how to throw a ball from Dad.

 

If there is no male figure in your friend's family, perhaps a church member / father could include her ds in activities now and then.

 

[elegantlion]

My poor boys...they are stuck with me a lot.

 

On a positive note, I'm not all that girly.

 

But I say anyway...hogwash. ;)

 

I only have one, but :iagree:.

 

Homeschooling has afforded us the opportunity for ds to spend MORE time with dh. Dh works late most days and with homeschooling ds has a much later bedtime (10pm) so he can be with Dad. Dh has taken him to work quite a few times, that wouldn't happen in public school.

 

I'm not concerned about how much time ds spends with me, he has still learned to belch, pass gas, and know every fart joke possibly (I did not teach them) :001_huh: But if that is a concern for her point out that homeschooling gives most people the flexibility for boys to spend more time with their fathers and I DO believe that is important.

[Dawn in OH]

It's kind of different for our family. Dad has been working nights for about 2 years now, so he's got his "family" time during the daytime hours, that my son would miss out on if he went to school. By being homeschooled, my son actually gets a little time with his Dad. If I put him in the public school, Dad would be leaving for work around the same time he got home from school.

 

I'm not worried about his masculinity or his exposure, or lack of, to other males. Other than other kids his own age, he wouldn't get much of that in school. And he's already getting exposed to other boys during our play group/co-op, archery class, and play dates. He spends time with his Dad. He's eventually going to take a martial arts class and there will be boys there and likely the instructor will be male.

 

In some ways I think him spending more time with me is good. For instance, he's home now when I'm cleaning the house. He's learning that a house needs to be cleaned, laundry is washed by a person and doesn't magically appear clean and in your drawer, he's learning how to care for the home inside, something most boys I grew up with (my brother included) were oblivious to. His wife will thank me one day.

 

 

Because my son's personality is a lot like mine, being home with me is probably very good for him. I understand what makes him tick better than other people. I can teach him the coping skills he needs for when he is frustrated and angry because he reacts just like I do and I know what he's feeling and how to handle it. I had to figure that out myself, and it took a long time. I can teach him that now, and save him years of frustration.

[Corraleno]

Yanking a boy from the security of his home (and his mother) before he is ready is much more damaging than letting him stay under her influence. Those boys are forced to deal with the world before they have the tools to do so. In the worst (but common) cases, they end up being crippled, emotionally -- not knowing how to feel anything but anger, and not knowing how to deal with problems in any way except through violence. In less extreme cases, they grow up stuffing all their feelings, and acting out in negative ways, because they've been taught that "boys don't cry". Giving a boy more time at home with mom allows him to develop a healthy foundation of emotions and responses in a safe and secure environment.

 

:iagree:

I absolutely totally 100% agree with this!

 

Jackie

[Peela]

I think it is a valid concern, but not for young boys- more when they get older. My 14yo boy is definitely ready to be out from under my wing all day. I just organised some physical work for him so that he can go and be a "man" in a friend's business some hours each week. He is not an academic kid and is itching to do something more relevent to him than sitting following my instructions.

 

I don't think its a concern for younger kids, though. I am so glad I have had my son close to me all these years- not just because I love him, but because I feel it has been good for him to be close to me. His dad thinks so too. Someone once told me that in our culture men feel they need to get tough, but in Europe, its ok for men to be soft and emotional. Its more a cultural thing- in other words, its not inherently a bad influence for a son to be close to his mother.

[elise1mds]

I agree with most of the PPs. At a young age, I don't think it's an issue. I know my Moose-Boy is still Moose-Boy even when he's home with me all day. We have Scouts and groups to visit, and he does all his 'boy stuff' with them. I don't think he's missing anything.

[angela in ohio]

I think it depends on the mom and the level of involvement of the father, but yes, I do think it is a concern we should consider.

[Remudamom]

She's got a valid concern. How many little sissy homeschooled boys do you know? But the fact that she's aware of it gives her a head start. She can easily combat this by doing everything the other posters have suggested.

 

My three boys seem to have survived me just fine.

[kpupg]

I think it is a valid concern, but not for young boys- more when they get older.

 

I agree with the other posters that a boy needs his mama-rock ... and that most schools are feminized anyway, so where's the advantage in that.

 

But about age 13, my son really needed more outside masculine influences in his life than I was able to provide -- other than his father, who is a very involved dad -- ds seemed to need to "get out" more. He was in scouting, but was becoming disenchanted with his troop, so ...

 

Taking up fencing was a big help -- at last, a sport that makes him sweat for 2 hours at a stretch -- that he enjoys -- yay! Ironically, the coaches are both women, but the great majority of fencers are boys and men, so it's a very male-dominated environment for him to test himself and all that.

 

And he is now going to the public high school for two classes -- both of which have male teachers -- and where he is observing the p.s. social environment he has "missed" all this time being home schooled. :tongue_smilie:

 

But to the OP, given the very young age of your friend's son, I do not think this issue will be relevant for several years to come, especially if she sees to it he has some kind of masculine activities -- scouting, for instance.

[johnandtinagilbert]

Those thought often crossed my mind. I just allow them to be boys. When they're older, they will naturally step farther away from and gravitate to MEN, not other little boys. This is the natural course of things.

[TammyinTN]

I was worried about this because of dh deployment for a year. He's done just fine. I was such a tomboy growing up it hasn't been an issue. Loads of nerf wars, hiking, exploring castles and he talks to his Dad every night on skype. That helps. I do think it's a valid concern.

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

Well, when you consider that these boys would most likely have female teachers at school, I don't think the argument holds water....

 

And I tend to think that young boys should avoid a school setting even more than young girls--they just aren't wired to sit still and listen and do busywork all day.

 

:iagree:

 

I'd share with her the Gender Bias link at Illinois Loop. This doesn't necessarily address the boys being with mom all day, but it does address the fact that boys often don't get what they need in a traditional school setting.

[FO4UR]

If it's a good mother/son relationship to begin with, I think it's healthier for boys to be with mom during the day rather than at school.

 

- I give my ds7 household responsibility that would be severely decreased if he were gone from home 8hrs a day. (He takes the trash out BEFORE dh, grabs a shovel when it snows, ASKS for jobs like moving furniture LOL:lol:....he sees what dh does and wants to do the same.;))

 

- My boys get MUCH more time with their FATHER b/c we homeschool. That trumps just about any other argument you can throw at me.

 

 

One argument for sending boys to school is likely "toughening them up," forcing them to deal with the class bully, having no one to help open their juice box at the ripe old age of 5yo, wiping their own rear ends, etc... This *is* a danger for hs moms....that we coddle them too much at home. Being at home, however, does not mean that mom HAS to coddle. I think that issue is gender-neutral.

[Sweetpeach]

It's never been a "coddle" issue for me.

 

I have a huge personality and I can be rather, hmmmmm, direct in my approach with my kids.

 

I started hs'ing operating from a place of "my way or the highway" . . . but I quickly learned that the boys needed a different approach. For me, making sure the boys have lots of time with other boys and men is important b/c I don't want to set myself up to be the dominant person in their lives.

 

I want that to be Jesus and secondly, Daddy. Not me. I've seen toooo many hs moms [and mom's in general] hold onto their boys with such intensity. The boys never have a chance to practice being men until . . . oh no, now people at work or my new wife or my profs are expecting me to act like a responsible, mature, make confident decisions for myself MAN.

 

I think it's important to ensure they have lots of opportunity to do so. I'm not talking about 6 year olds . . . but as boys come to early teens, it's time to start letting them flap with more freedom to be men while ready to catch them, build them up and help them learn how to fly well.

 

Warmly, T

[Just Me]

I haven't read all the replies, and don't have much time, but I will say this - I have homeschooled my two boys for years, and they are all boy! In fact, my daughter is tougher than most girls, IMO.

[johnandtinagilbert]

She's got a valid concern. How many little sissy homeschooled boys do you know? But the fact that she's aware of it gives her a head start. She can easily combat this by doing everything the other posters have suggested.

 

My three boys seem to have survived me just fine.

 

I love this! Raw truth! I have seen a lot of sissy home schooled boys. Mostly young ones. I haven't seen any older ones, though.

 

I also have the personal pleasure that the 3 most athletic and mature boys in my sons' BSA troop are home schooled. Kinda funny how that worked out!

 

They'll be what we make them. At least for now :)

[KrissiK]

I have two young boys and after the morning I've had (the amount of burps, f--ts, punches, etc.) I really don't believe I have much to worry about. My boys are boys. If they were in school, they'd be taught by a woman. That issue never even crossed my mind. I'm hoping the time spent with me would have a somewhat civilizing influence on them - as in, we don't eat with our hands, we use silverware; make sure you wipe and flush; etc. etc. Right now, they are little barbarians.;)

[AuntPol]

I think my son has more male influences being homeschooled than he did in school.

 

IN school, he had no real male friends because his Aspergers made him stand out and he was only boy in his class in the gifted program, as well as being a minority for the school in race and economic status. The only male teacher he encountered was the PE coach once a week. Our neighborhood is all female so it didn't get better when he came home. He rarely saw his father. His only outlet was Scouts, Church, and Baseball.

 

However, as a homeschooler, he does more electives and thus has more peers. He has more friends who have similar issues so he's able to work into having closer male friendships.

 

He has a male instructors for Scouts, Precepts, Historical Swordsmanship, gymnastics and guitar. He has male video instructors for Latin, Spanish, and Writing. My husband finds it easier to be involved in the family oriented homeschool community than it was to be involved in the heavily female dominated School/PTA environment. He coaches the Lego League and the football team, as well as teaches juggling in the Co-Op. Our son and several other boys participate in all three activities. Of course, my son interacts with the other men there. Several other dads teach classes too and all the dads are doing the science fair while all the moms go on our beach retreat. Our family meets weekly at a sports restaurant to watch our team play football on Sunday. I'm one of the few women. There's lots of testostrone there.

 

Of course, I am a former Marine so it's not likely that my son is going to be a sissy.

[TravelingChris]

We didn't have a problem at all. Between Boy Scouts and Soccer, he had plenty of boy activities. I think BSA is more popular with homeschoolers than with public schoolers. My son didn't turn into a wimp even though he spent most of his time with two sisters and me. As PP said, he also spent more time with his dad then he would have if he was in school. No regrets about homeschooling him.

[stripe]

I think it's definitely something to keep in mind.

 

I read a book on bilingualism (Raising Children As Bilinguals : Bilingual Education From Age Zero : From The Perspective Of Japanese Heritage Language Education by Hitomi Oketani-Lobbezoo) where she mentions that Japanese boys who are around their mothers a very large proportion of the time tend to speak feminized Japanese rather than the style normally spoken by men.

[scrapbookbuzz]

I think the only time it might be " too much" is if the boy doesn't have a positive male role model in his life - like an involved father. Other that that, no I don't think it's too much. Little boys LOVE their moms, usually, and can really benefit from time with them. Chances are, if he went to a ps or private school he'd be spending 8 hours a day with a woman anyway. Better it be Mom than some complete stranger!

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I think BSA is more popular with homeschoolers than with public schoolers.

 

Really? My DS is the only homeschooled boy in our district. We have even been to some out-of-district events and have met very few homeschoolers.

[smrtmama]

I love this! Raw truth! I have seen a lot of sissy home schooled boys. Mostly young ones. I haven't seen any older ones, though.

 

I also have the personal pleasure that the 3 most athletic and mature boys in my sons' BSA troop are home schooled. Kinda funny how that worked out!

 

They'll be what we make them. At least for now :)

 

I cannot believe that anyone would use the term "sissy" in this day and age. :glare:

[Rosie_0801]

I think the only time it might be " too much" is if the boy doesn't have a positive male role model in his life - like an involved father. Other that that, no I don't think it's too much. Little boys LOVE their moms, usually, and can really benefit from time with them. Chances are, if he went to a ps or private school he'd be spending 8 hours a day with a woman anyway. Better it be Mom than some complete stranger!

 

Yeah, and how many boys are with women all day in school, then come home to their Mum and no male role model, positive or otherwise? Most boys spend more time with women than men so that's no argument against homeschooling. I'd have thought the more time a mum spent with her boy, the more fuel she'd have for encouraging his relationship with his dad. Especially when they go through the grunting phase! Dad asks, "so what did you do today, son?" Son says "nuthin'" and that's the end of the conversation if Mum doesn't know what he's done. At least if they are home we can suggest our hubbies ask about the 14 times in a row he kicked your butt at Scrabble that morning and the model of DNA he made out of Lego in the afternoon. :)

 

Rosie

Edited February 19, 2010 by Rosie_0801

[Jlynn]

Haven't read all the replies, so I may be redundant. But, I had the same fears when we first started and they were all for nothing : ) My son is a very polite confident young man of 11yrs and is no more attached to me than to my husband. In fact, he's secure in most settings that require us to not be there. He just took an airplane trip by himself last summer to see family...no worries - for him, at least ;) He was an only child for 10years, so I speak with great confidence that she need not worry about having a momma's boy, unless she really tries to make him one.

[Jlynn]

I think boys being around mom teach them about the opposite sex.

 

:iagree:

[8circles]

With 3 boys & another on the way, I'm really surprised by this thread. This kind of problem never crossed my mind. I don't quite get it. :confused:

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

With 3 boys & another on the way, I'm really surprised by this thread. This kind of problem never crossed my mind. I don't quite get it. :confused:

 

Let me just say, having two boys close together made a "Boy's Momma" out of ME!! ;)

[LG Gone Wild]

Haven't read all replies.

 

I was concerned about raising boys because I never knew any.

 

Now, I am an expert.;)

 

The sissification, I guess, of boys really depends on the parents. One set of neighbors have homeschooled boys and they sure are a pack of pistols. In fact, if they weren't at home with their mom, they would probably be completely uncivilized. Another neighbor, well, has a different approach and is, IMO, retarding her son's development. No, the boy isn't a "sissy" but the mom is neutering him.

[Moniksca]

I have two boys who are still young and as much as I would love it if they stopped wrestling, building and destroying towers, nerf fighting, and turning anything they get their hands on into weapons, including my 2 year old, to have a tea party or play house with me, it's so not going to happen. Boys will be boys no matter what, this issue didn't even cross my mind, but dh is always hanging out with them doing boy stuff, so maybe that is why.

[unsinkable]

People will automatically point to homeschooling are the "reason" for anything. There are boys that greet each other by tackling each other --- and there are boys that wouldn't like it at all if they are tackled.

 

If the tacklers are homeschooled, that's the reason they are that way.

 

If the non-tacklers are homeschooled, that's the reason they are that way.

 

Does that make sense?

 

I REALLY believe that there are boys that THRIVE with other boys, that need to be around them. My brother is one, my DH is one, and my oldest DS is one. I knew I couldn't provide that much "maleness" for my DS and that is one of the reasons he's in an all-boys high school. Homeschooling worked for us through about 8th grade but after that, he needed something else.

 

FWIW

 

Edited to add: ooops, I forgot what I wanted to add. :tongue_smilie:

Edited February 19, 2010 by unsinkable

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I have two boys who are still young and as much as I would love it if they stopped wrestling, building and destroying towers, nerf fighting, and turning anything they get their hands on into weapons, including my 2 year old, to have a tea party or play house with me, it's so not going to happen.

 

Like I said, it's a conspiracy to make a "Boy's Momma" out of you. No tea parties here either. In fact, all fine china must be hidden, less you want it broken.... :tongue_smilie:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Some boys are naturally quiet and even sensitive. Ditto for grown men. It doesn't mean that they are necessarily a sissy. A quiet boy still needs male influence but won't be hurt by female influence either.

[lionfamily1999]

Some boys are naturally quiet and even sensitive. Ditto for grown men. It doesn't mean that they are necessarily a sissy. A quiet boy still needs male influence but won't be hurt by female influence either.

:iagree: and it would not matter if they were hsed. A rowdy boy isn't hurt by female influence either.