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Here's the background: We spend holidays with my dw's extended family. They are the sweetest people, and I love them dearly. But we have very different backgrounds and interests, and that on top of my natural introversion makes it very hard for me to make small talk with them. We are the "weird ones" - homeschoolers, vegetarians, serious Christians, "country cousins" who don't know Boston politics and don't care about sports, TV, or shopping. I know there's a certain amount of eye-rolling that goes on behind our backs, and we don't always approve of everything they do either. But I'd really like to connect more with these folks. We only see them a few times a year, so our shared memories pretty much only include previous holidays.

 

So I guess I'm asking two questions: How do I make small talk with them? And how do I get to know them better when we have nothing in common but my dw? (She doesn't quite know what do about this either!) What has worked for you in similar situations?

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We are the "odd ones out" in our family, too. Completely different views, interest, etc. It does take effort, but I've found that a good way to connect is to let the other people talk. Ask about what interests them, *fake* an interest if necessary but look and sound genuinely interested. Might learn something new, right? Okay, it does happen! :D People, in general, love to talk about themselves (I know I do :D). So, maybe choose one topic that isn't too controversial (sports is a good one) and get up to speed on the "what's what" in that sport. Do they follow football, basketball, baseball? Read up on the teams, stats, etc. and ask a leading questions, "So, who do you think will do well this season?". You might not even care, but it'll start a conversation! My dh never had much in common w/ my folks nor I with his (TOTALLY different backgrounds!). BUT, he can talk sports w/ my dad AND my dad's favorite...politics! :glare: My dad LOVES a good debate and my dh is skilled w/ words so...perfect AND it gets me off the hook! As for me and his folks, well, I just listen. AND, I learned a bit about what his mom likes and talk to her about that. Don't know if I've helped, but it does take effort. Good luck!

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Some things we do with extended family are: go on hikes (collect things on the way -- leaves, icicles, etc.), play ball outside (parents and kids ranging from 5 to 14), go sledding. At least we are all spending time together even though we aren't talking too much. This gives us something to talk about or laugh about when we do get back home.

 

I also try to think of things to talk about before we go visit, such as asking about their jobs, what is going on at the kid's schools, what books we have all read or want to read, trips they have been on or we have been on, exhibits at local museums (have they been or do they know anyone who has been), how do they like their new car, etc. At some point I always hit on something that the other person is excited about and I usually learn something as well. Good luck!

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I am not sure what the line is between "small talk" and "showing an interest."

 

I find it hard sometimes to find things to talk about at parties. But part of that is not really feeling invested in the relationship. I don't have a really deep natural curiousity about other people, you know? It's easy for me to feel like I am not going to really be friends with a certain person, so why engage in a conversation.

 

But I think the way to handle these family gathers is to try to cultivate a real interest in the person, or absent that, feign a real interest. Come perpared to ask a few questions, really listen to the answers, and follow up. My mother was always really big on focusing on other people. She taught me that since most people love to talk about themselves, they will think you are a fascinating human being if you ask them questions and offer nothing about yourself. Sometimes DH and I sort of play a game of talking to people, getting them really talking about themselves, and seeing how long it takes them to actually ask about us - if they ever do:)

 

You might get them talking about high school. If it was a great experience, why? Do they still see those friends? Where did kids hang out? Or if they hated it, they probably will have a lot to say:) Ask how they met their spouses, how they knew the other one was "the one" what the wedding was like. Ask about their children. Ask about their work. Not just "how's work" but "do you still have that crazy boss?" "Is a recession going to hurt the business." Whatever.

 

Even if they are divorce three times and can't hold a job and mostly love reality tv, they probably have something they really like talking about.

 

If you are asking how to really *enjoy* small talk, though, I can't help you. I can get people talking, but I can't say it's always a fasciniating conversation.

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I find small talk excrutiatingly difficult as I'm also quite introverted. Like everyone else, I find it easier on my psyche if I try to ask questions about the other person's life, family, work, etc. What sometimes happens is that the conversation peters out into that uncomfortable silence where one's thoughts echo in the mind and the crickets chirp unnervingly loudly. My solution has been to ensure that I have my needlepoint with me. Sewing seems to cover a multitude of conversational silences. Hmmm, I don't think I've been helpful at all. I hope you find an answer.

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How about board games? or puzzles? Anything fairly interactive that you can talk about while you're doing it. If there are kids involved (and the setting is appropriate) you could bring a project or activity they would enjoy... Like our extended family is going to the beach together in a few weeks, and since it's going to be pretty chilly for swimming, I'm bringing a few kites to fly.

 

None of these is a topic of conversation, but they might raise topics... kwim?

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We are the "weird ones" - homeschoolers, vegetarians, serious Christians, "country cousins" who don't know Boston politics and don't care about sports, TV, or shopping. ...But I'd really like to connect more with these folks. We only see them a few times a year, so our shared memories pretty much only include previous holidays.

 

So I guess I'm asking two questions: How do I make small talk with them? And how do I get to know them better when we have nothing in common but my dw? (She doesn't quite know what do about this either!) What has worked for you in similar situations?

 

 

I find that there are two kinds of people in these family situations (dh has a big family who are all about sports, shopping, and the latest tv shows...politics - not so much): There are the ones who like to grill me about my weirdness. And there are the ones who really only want to talk about themselves. I try to find a topic I can address, one way or the other, and stick to that for as long as I can, then migrate to the powder room, the hors d'oeuvres, or the bar (grin).

 

Even if you're talking about YOU, you'll learn something about THEM. You'll hear them say, "Aren't you afraid you're kids will be undersocialized?" and you'll know that they know nothing about homeschooling, thus you have a golden opportunity to teach them something. Or, they'll say, "I just could never give up my standing rib roast every Sunday." prompting you to explain how you approach your Sunday dinner. Those who are too narrow minded to want to know about you (see, you're still learning more about them) will somehow always bring the conversation back around to the last ball game, even if you were discussing the merits of eating lower on the food chain. That's your cue to migrate.

 

If they want to talk about themselves, I find that work is always a safe topic. I can learn about their jobs, whether they enjoy it or not, how long they've been there with a modicum of genuine interest. If they don't work, then a hobby is a reasonable place to start. Get there by saying something brilliant such as, "Man, my thighs are so sore from that kick boxing class I took last week! What have you been doing lately?"

 

History is bound to be one of your strong points, and people often match up on history. You can talk about their memories of your wife, how they remember her parents, their parents, yada-yada. That's history. You just have to guide the conversation where you want it to go by dropping leading questions or answers. And, listen a lot. If they just won't take the bait, there's always the whiskey sours or the clam dip.

 

You've got your heart in the right place. Just remember not to take any of it too seriously. Laughter is wonderful common ground.

 

Doran

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So I guess I'm asking two questions: How do I make small talk with them? And how do I get to know them better when we have nothing in common but my dw? (She doesn't quite know what do about this either!) What has worked for you in similar situations?

 

People often love to talk about themselves. How is work? Do you find your convection oven really does a better job than the other one. Isn't that couch new....how did you decide on leather? Wasn't your grandmother from the Outer Hebrides? Oh, who is reading this Stephen King book...I'm so glad he recovered from that horrible accident, aren't you? I see your crocuses are coming up.

 

Keep your replies brief...yes we do eat brown rice, have you tried Basmati...it is delicious.

 

I've actually learned a lot with this method. Of course, my job is asking incredibly personal questions, but this did not come naturally to me. I'm famous for putting my foot in it, especially when pressed. E.g. the New Yorker who asked me who I was voting for (when I lived there and was in med school). I replied I wasn't voting in this local election because I believed if you hadn't had the time to research it, it was ethical to refrain. Bark,bark,bark,bark was the reply. You'd have thought I'd shot the Pope.

 

Or the party where the spouse of a co-worker, after a couple beers, announced all homeless people should be taken out and shot, and I had the ill manner to reply "Kenny, the problem with that kind of thing is the NEXT group of people they'll take out and shoot are men in big pickup trucks whose pants are too tight." Everyone immediately went home....

 

Then there is my ploy with the IL's....I play with the huge pack of kids that are always about.

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We have a similar situation with my sister's husband. His family is wealthy and into the pursuit of material possessions and investments. They also drink alot. LOL!

 

So my strategy has been to ask a lot of questions. I try to pick their brains about property investments and what they think about the local economy. I also ask a lot of questions about their trips - more than, "How was your ski trip?" I ask about the weather, how did the kids do, what was their favorite part, what restaurants did they enjoy. Just get them talking about themselves.

 

I also try to spend a lot of time with their kids. I get out board games, read to them (when they let me), bake with them, play basketball outside - anything I can think of to engage my kids and their children.

 

They rarely ask me questions, but when they do I don't hold back. I do a little marketing job on them about hs and staying home with children. I mention our exciting field trips, history study, a few special things that happen day to day - not bragging but focusing on God's blessings from that come from being involved in your children's lives and a daily basis.

 

I think it is great that you want to make an effort rather than dreading the visit. I hope your family has a great time.

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You have gotten some excellent advice here.

 

Small talk and conversation comes easily to me IRL, I don't like uncomfortable silences. ;) But with DH's father, it's very hard. I don't have anything in common with him, and we have totally different world-views. It doesn't help that my DH doesn't know what to say or how to relate either.

 

One thing I've found that helps, is NOT to bring up things in our life that they might not agree with, or find unusual. Like a PP said, give a short answer and move on.

 

I try to ask questions about their past, and get to know what experiences they've had. I know that my DH's Grandfather will talk to me in ways he will not talk to anyone... simply because they don't ask. I ask him about his childhood, and things he remembers. "What was your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon when you were a child?" (usually asked on a Sunday afternoon visit) "Do you have any favorite childhood birthday memories?" "What was your most memorable birthday" etc. on a birthday celebration day... "What things did you like most about anticipating Christmas" etc. I try to get past the everyday and talk about things that are nostalgic, or revealing about the inner person, so that you can find out more about the person, and how to relate to them on a "real" level rather than just a surface level.

 

I follow the line of thinking, I might talk about how *I* remember some of the same things, or muse aloud what it must have been like in their shoes... It can create some interesting, and meaningful conversations without talking about current events, or current lifestyles.

 

One year, for his birthday I tracked down a 1935 dime and a glass bottle of coke for DH's grandfather, as he used to be paid one dime for working in his uncle's shop for carrying groceries, and had fond memories of buying a bottle of coke and going to a movie. :)

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Most people like to talk about themselves so I would start by asking questions. ;)

 

 

I agree, ask an ice breaker and listen. And know you are not alone. I have little in common with my PIL, and even some of my own family. I'm learning to keep my mouth shut and to just listen. :mellow:

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My mil is a master at getting other people to talk about themselves. I vow everytime we are together to not give in to talking and get her to do it, but she gets every one of us to talk. I am sure she is bored stiff with our lifestyle, but you'd never know it. You have a lot of good advice here, Drew.

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Most people like to talk about themselves so I would start by asking questions. ;)

 

I agree with this. I have a psychotic MIL and while my goal is not to 'draw closer to her', but rather survive conversations with her, I think some of my techniques (25 years in the making) could help you. When the conversations goes toward a controversial topic I do a hmmm, and raise my eyebrows a tad, and then I suddenly see the flowers in the closest yard and comment, 'my aren't those flowers gorgeous!' If they are her flowers I ask her how she does it and on and on. I praise her choices whenever I can...her flowers, her decorations, her clothing, her jewelry. I ask about friends she speaks of. I ask about family history (in my case I never believe much she tells me---but it keeps her talking---but in your case it could be truly helpful in getting to know them and growing closer to them.)

 

I am going to stop now because I think this post is making ME sound psychotic. But small talk and conversation with people who are different from us in most ways is truly and art.

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So I guess I'm asking two questions: How do I make small talk with them? And how do I get to know them better when we have nothing in common but my dw? (She doesn't quite know what do about this either!) What has worked for you in similar situations?

 

I prep myself for meaningful conversations with people I don't actually associate with by choice by looking up recent news in their fields and memorizing it. That way I can ask my firefighter uncle about the award a local firefighter received, my contractor uncle about the recent changes to the local building code, ask my social worker cousin her opinion on a recent lapse in oversight on a controversial case that was in the news, and ask my editor cousin what she thinks of the most recent Important Editor's Manual changes.

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Or the party where the spouse of a co-worker, after a couple beers, announced all homeless people should be taken out and shot, and I had the ill manner to reply "Kenny, the problem with that kind of thing is the NEXT group of people they'll take out and shoot are men in big pickup trucks whose pants are too tight."

 

Oh, will you PLEASE come to my house the next time I have to throw a party?!?!

 

Pretty please?

 

:party:

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I am not sure what the line is between "small talk" and "showing an interest."

 

I find it hard sometimes to find things to talk about at parties. But part of that is not really feeling invested in the relationship. I don't have a really deep natural curiousity about other people, you know? It's easy for me to feel like I am not going to really be friends with a certain person, so why engage in a conversation.

 

But I think the way to handle these family gathers is to try to cultivate a real interest in the person, or absent that, feign a real interest. Come perpared to ask a few questions, really listen to the answers, and follow up. My mother was always really big on focusing on other people. She taught me that since most people love to talk about themselves, they will think you are a fascinating human being if you ask them questions and offer nothing about yourself. Sometimes DH and I sort of play a game of talking to people, getting them really talking about themselves, and seeing how long it takes them to actually ask about us - if they ever do:)

 

You might get them talking about high school. If it was a great experience, why? Do they still see those friends? Where did kids hang out? Or if they hated it, they probably will have a lot to say:) Ask how they met their spouses, how they knew the other one was "the one" what the wedding was like. Ask about their children. Ask about their work. Not just "how's work" but "do you still have that crazy boss?" "Is a recession going to hurt the business." Whatever.

 

Even if they are divorce three times and can't hold a job and mostly love reality tv, they probably have something they really like talking about.

 

If you are asking how to really *enjoy* small talk, though, I can't help you. I can get people talking, but I can't say it's always a fasciniating conversation.

 

I wish I had these tips a few days ago. Dh and I went to a national convention and we met lots of people mostly due to dh being able to talk a bit about almost anything. I find it hard to connect with people at events like this but I'm filing your tips so I'll have them next time!!:thumbup:

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I am going to stop now because I think this post is making ME sound pychotic. But small talk and conversation with people who are different from us in most ways is truly and art.

 

LOL No, I know exactly of which you speak! :D

 

You have received a lot of helpful advice, PD. I tend to just focus on the gathered children and continually bring the conversation around to them. People love to talk about their kids, and even when it veers into uncomfortable territory ("That J, I tell you...he sure can be manipulative..." &c), I find that a sincere compliment or question deflects such garbage nicely and turns the chat positive.

 

You can always pass the wicked* bean dip... ;)

 

 

 

(*That is a Bahston thing, right?!) :001_huh:

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You can always pass the wicked* bean dip... ;)

(*That is a Bahston thing, right?!)

 

:D We said it on Long Island, too, although it was pronounced "wickit" and closely followed by "coooool." What can I say? It was the '80s. :blush:

 

I have learned that dw's relations "bang a U-ie" (make a U-turn) and even "bang in" (call in) sick to work. They drink "tonic," sip water from the "bubbler," and get the hard stuff from the "packie." We only live a few hours away, but it's a whole different language. They even make fun of themselves about it!

 

My dw's auntie ("awn-tee") does a mean impression of Long Island lock-jaw - think Thurston B. Howell of Gilligan fame, or the late WFB, although his was the CT version. It's pretty funny. As I said, they're good people. Wicked cool, even. ;)

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Seriously, the only thing you may have in common that (probably) won't cause friction is each other (notice I didn't say your opinions LOL) and sharing about things you've done recently, through photos and general conversation, can really fill the time!

 

People like to talk about themselves and so even if you aren't uber-interested, and they aren't either, you'll at least get to know one another a little better in the process of sharing photos and stuff. :) It's a good conversation sparker! Take photos while you're there, too, and maybe next time you visit you can bring them out. OK, maybe they'll all be sitting-on-the-couch portraits, but hey! It shows you care and recalls the short time you spent together.

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I sooo know what you mean. We're often mocked because we're traditional Catholics, I know all about the eye rolling, making fun of the way we dress and the fact that we don't watch television.

 

Here are some random thoughts on what I do (my in-laws pretty much have no liking for me, by the way)

 

I have a list of safe topics that we try to stick to. How about asking about how work is going? People like to talk about work.

 

Talk about any kind of repairs or gardening you have done to your home and ask about theirs if they have something like that going on. People love to talk about their "castle"

 

We talk about food and restaurants, cooking etc.

 

I have casually worked on slipping bits and pieces of our lifestyle into conversation so that it will be easier for them to digest later when they figure out how weird we are.

 

I always end up saying things I shouldn't like "that's why I would never send my kids to public school" I know I know! It can be really rude, but it just kind of comes out.

 

When all else fails, I try to use the kids as a buffer.

 

Learning Boston politics is hard and confusing, but I try to make an effort to know the general stuff.

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Since most of my points have been done (get them talking, research what they are interested in, family history) I do have one more. Humour. I'm sure you have some, but perhaps learn a few jokes that are in the same genre as their humour, providing it's not offensive. A friend of mine IRL has done this for when she does public speaking and by putting a joke in here or there it's spiced things up and helped her make her point. In your case, it could help break the ice.

 

There have been times when joking kindly about our own perceived weirdness (homeschoolers, active Christians, etc) has gone a long, long way. I even sent my family the link with that homeschool family video that was posted on the old boards.

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Any sports fans. At all.

 

(I must tell you that I am most emphatically not a sports fan. I would rather poke myself with a sharp stick than listen to someone go on and on about sports, but sometimes I must.)

 

OK, surefire. All you have to do is say, "Wow, how about that game." Then shut up and smile knowingly. They will talk for 15 minutes, minimum. And they will think you are a brilliant conversationalist.

 

I have not done this often, but on those few occasions when I have, I have always had some specific game to refer to in mind just in case. I have NEVER had to refer to it. There is always a recent 'that game' that a true sports fan has in mind. And, they always think that that is the one that everyone and anyone would refer to. Always.

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Board games give us common ground with the relatives. Four generations can all play together and it really helps my kids interact with their great-grandparents. Some favorites for larger groups of all ages are Apples to Apples, Catch Phrase, and Pictionary. We also play cards.

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Here's the background: We spend holidays with my dw's extended family. They are the sweetest people, and I love them dearly. But we have very different backgrounds and interests, and that on top of my natural introversion makes it very hard for me to make small talk with them. We are the "weird ones" - homeschoolers, vegetarians, serious Christians, "country cousins" who don't know Boston politics and don't care about sports, TV, or shopping. I know there's a certain amount of eye-rolling that goes on behind our backs, and we don't always approve of everything they do either. But I'd really like to connect more with these folks. We only see them a few times a year, so our shared memories pretty much only include previous holidays.

 

So I guess I'm asking two questions: How do I make small talk with them? And how do I get to know them better when we have nothing in common but my dw? (She doesn't quite know what do about this either!) What has worked for you in similar situations?

details of your recent surgery from admission to the blank-out during anesthesia and then waking up again. Would that fill a few hours if you carefully rehearse?

Just kidding. I love what Sue suggested. Ask them about their lives (and surgeries) and the day will be over before you know it! :lol:

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Sometimes DH and I sort of play a game of talking to people, getting them really talking about themselves, and seeing how long it takes them to actually ask about us - if they ever do:)

 

This is so true!

 

It is always amazing to me that there are many people who will talk, talk, talk about themselves and never once show an inkling of interest in anything to do with my life.

 

Dh says it is because I'm a good listener; I say it is because they are ego-centric. :D

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