WWYD? High School student with no goals/ambitions?

[SW in IL]

My son (almost 15) has pretty much lost all interest in the things he used to enjoy - going to museums, taking short trips, walking through nature areas. Now, when given his druthers, he either sleeps, reads, or plays computer games. Not that I have anything against reading, but for the past year he's just read and reread the same 2 books (Harry Potter and Brisingr).

 

Of more concern to us, is that his attitude is growing worse and he has no plans for the future. He is seeing a counselor (for anger issues and the attitude issues) but the counselor is finding him reluctant to "look at things from a different perspective" and otherwise cooperate during their sessions. I've tried talking to him about his future but he just tunes out while agreeing that "something" needs to change.

 

Many of his friends have older siblings who are now entering college (can't think of any who haven't gone from homeschool to college, though there preobably are at least a couple) and pretty much all his friends have some sort of grasp on what they want to do.

 

I realize that this is only his first year of high school so he still has a few years to think things through, but all his future goals up until now have been so far out of the realm of possibility that we're really wondering and worried. For example, he wanted to be a translator but didn't want to do the work required to learn any languages (not to mention that he's struggling with spelling, grammar, and writing English). We try not to discourage things like these but rather to point out what he'd need to in order to achieve the goal. So far, he's never been willing to put in the effort required.

 

What can I do to help him realize that his future is fast approaching and that he needs to prepare for it? Or do I just need to adjust my expectations and let him figure it out on his own? Something in between?

 

Thanks,

Sue

mom.wilson@comcast.net

[Harriet Vane]

My son (almost 15) has pretty much lost all interest in the things he used to enjoy - going to museums, taking short trips, walking through nature areas. Now, when given his druthers, he either sleeps, reads, or plays computer games. Not that I have anything against reading, but for the past year he's just read and reread the same 2 books (Harry Potter and Brisingr).

 

Of more concern to us, is that his attitude is growing worse and he has no plans for the future.

mom.wilson@comcast.net

 

Honestly, this sounds like depression to me. He may be down too far in it to pull himself out. Has he had a full physical to rule out health causes? Is there something that triggered this change?

 

I don't want to scare you unnecessarily, but having watched close relatives struggle through drug addiction, my own radar tends to be sensitive on this. The behavior changes you describe here could also be due to drugs or alcohol use. Please forgive me if the suggestion is inappropriate to your situation, though I would encourage you to think it through carefully.

[Heather in WI]

My son (almost 15) has pretty much lost all interest in the things he used to enjoy - going to museums, taking short trips, walking through nature areas. Now, when given his druthers, he either sleeps, reads, or plays computer games. Not that I have anything against reading, but for the past year he's just read and reread the same 2 books (Harry Potter and Brisingr).

 

Of more concern to us, is that his attitude is growing worse and he has no plans for the future. He is seeing a counselor (for anger issues and the attitude issues) but the counselor is finding him reluctant to "look at things from a different perspective" and otherwise cooperate during their sessions.

 

I would consider depression/drug/alcohol abuse, too. From my own experience. I went from a straight A varsity cheerleader to a high school dropout.

 

In hindsight, I wish my parents had stepped up more earlier in the game. They threatened a lot, but never followed through.

[Cindy in NY]

I will ditto the previous posters. Your son sounds like my oldest was at that age. We didn't realize how bad it was until he was 19 and we had to ask him to leave. He is 23 now and there has been very little improvement. Depression, drugs and alcohol have taken a steep toll.

[SW in IL]

He's been at his pediatrician several times this year for various reasons and had a quickie physical last March and again in May. She has mentioned depression which was the original referral to a counselor. For whatever reason, though, the counselor doesn't think it's depression but "normal" hornonal changes. Not quite sure what her reasoning is and when I asked she says it's because of what they talk about during their sessions (which, obviously, I'm not privvy to).

 

Another possible cause that's been mentioned by his doctor and counselor is his diabetes (type 1). At this point, his blood sugars have been quite high for several years because he refuses to test his blood and do his insulin injections (claiming, usually, that he forgets). He has been in a group with other diabetic teens but it doesn't seem to have helped and when they gave the kids in the group the choice to opt out (the group required that he attend for 6 or 8 sessions), he was the only one who opted out. He is on the waiting list to see a counselor who specializes in teens with diabetes, but so far all his doctors assure me that his behaviour in regards to his diabetes is quite normal for teenagers and there's not much to do other than keep on him to take care of himself and wait it out.

 

I've wondered about the drug/alcohol abuse issue, but I don't see where he'd have the opportunity to do it. I'm with him pretty much all day, every day, and when I'm not usually my mom is. He rarely goes to a friend's house and when he does it's one of a few friends all of whom we know well.

 

Thanks,

Sue

[Susan C.]

I bet it is a combination of the diabetes (poor blood sugar control), hormones, and maybe a vitamin deficiency. My son was having a rough time, he ended up with way below normal lab values of B12. Low B12 does cause depression. Make sure your son is on a very healthy diet with enough protein and healthy fats and eats at regular intervals.

 

Maybe it is time to ask the doctor for different diabetes medication, some is longer acting. If he will let you, take over giving his medications. If you keep to a schedule and he feels better, that may be enough motivation for him to do it right.

 

And of course, there are teens who don't have any of the above problems that have motivation issues. I have found that too much time alone without me usually doesn't produce much schoolwork.....so I have meetings with her through the day to keep track of her progress. It is an ongoing battle!

 

Best wishes to you in finding what is wrong!

[ma23peas]

I would get him involved...in anything, speech and debate clubs, science competitions (B.E.S.T. or Science Olympiad)...writing clubs...anything to give him a purpose...and I don't understand why he has only read 2 books....my children might indeed stick to two books, but they are required to read...they come to me thanking me for finding such and such a book...he needs a purpose/schedule/direction...they just don't find it...our son is involved in scouts where he has to take on different badges...lo and behold he finds a discipline that excites him..he takes speech and debate and really was not interested in it at all..after a year, he is excited about going to tournaments, he is around peers that encourage and allow him to be a teen...I fear you are not alone...too much of the time we just expect them to follow their heart...but if you give their heart nothing to look to...how can they find their way? My children are required to read 50 books a year...many times they read triple that...because they get onto a subject and LOVE finding more..

 

If I see them hitting a point of disinterest/lack of motivation I seek out opportunities where they have to get motivated....a lot of the time it is just feedback/encouragement they need...they can't get it all from us..

 

Tara

[Cindy in NY]

I would definitely rule out any medical issues. It could be related to diabetes and diet. Ma23Peas gives good advice. If I had my sons teen years to do over, I would take her advice to heart. I had my second child when my oldest was 11 and had numbers 3 and 4 when he was 12 and 14. I realize now that I let myself be too busy to mother him properly. I thought he was older than he was, if that makes sense.

 

Push, get him busy, force your way on him whether he likes it or not.

[Julie in MN]

for the past year he's just read and reread the same 2 books (Harry Potter and Brisingr).

 

Of more concern to us, is that his attitude is growing worse and he has no plans for the future.

 

 

Sue,

I actually would be much more interested in why he reads 2 books over & over.

 

Personally, I would ignore the fact that he doesn't know what he wants to do. He's only 14. My niece just finished her 4th year of college last spring & still didn't know what she wanted to do -- so she just joined the Army this week to become... a translator! And she isn't the only adult I know of in this situation. Even my brother, who's almost 50, never really had a passion for a career. But he's such a nice guy :)

 

I can't be sure from one post, but your son sounds like he could have an issue that I have dealt with in my dd -- is he "passive"? It sounds like an easy characteristic, but actually it's one of the very hardest things to deal with if you are in the position of being "over him" (teacher, parent, boss).

 

Julie

[Sandra in NC]

Sometimes, teens need to find something that is theirs-- not a group activity, but something that they can do on their own, successfully.

 

My son is a gamer, and he has found Blender to be a creative outlet.

 

Check it out. http://www.blender.org/

 

It's free, computer modeling software.

 

Now, instead of playing games for hours, he is designing games. It also gives him hope for the future that he will have a career that interests him!

[Brenda in MA]

He sounds like a lot of boys at ages 14 - 15 yo. They are starting to feel grown-up and wanting to branch out, but they are not comfortable doing so yet, so they retreat to a world of video games.

 

I think it's also really common for kids this age to have no idea what they are interested in doing re: college & career. When we toured several colleges with ds last year, they said that fully half of the freshman were undecided as to their desired major, and many, many students changed their major once they were in college. So I wouldn't worry too much that he doesn't know his career direction just yet.

 

Personally, I'd suggest dumping the video games all together or severely limiting their use. Get him out into the world in a meaningful way. He probably is really wanting to feel "useful", so some volunteer work may be in order. You or dh may have to drag him with you to do some volunteer work. Try to find something where his efforts will be appreciated by others.

 

I think involvement of other older males is really important for boys at this age, too, so if you can get your dh to take him places and do things with him, that might help as well. Another idea -- do you have any older relatives (or neighbors) near by that he could help out with small chores or yard work?

 

Most important is just to be there with him and for him and let him air his feelings. Tell him how much you care about him and that you will be there to help him along the way.

 

Parenting teens is such hard work.... Best wishes that you find a solution that works for you and your son.

 

Brenda

[Harriet Vane]

He's been at his pediatrician several times this year for various reasons and had a quickie physical last March and again in May. She has mentioned depression which was the original referral to a counselor. For whatever reason, though, the counselor doesn't think it's depression but "normal" hornonal changes. Not quite sure what her reasoning is and when I asked she says it's because of what they talk about during their sessions (which, obviously, I'm not privvy to).

 

Another possible cause that's been mentioned by his doctor and counselor is his diabetes (type 1). At this point, his blood sugars have been quite high for several years because he refuses to test his blood and do his insulin injections (claiming, usually, that he forgets). He has been in a group with other diabetic teens but it doesn't seem to have helped and when they gave the kids in the group the choice to opt out (the group required that he attend for 6 or 8 sessions), he was the only one who opted out. He is on the waiting list to see a counselor who specializes in teens with diabetes, but so far all his doctors assure me that his behaviour in regards to his diabetes is quite normal for teenagers and there's not much to do other than keep on him to take care of himself and wait it out.

 

I've wondered about the drug/alcohol abuse issue, but I don't see where he'd have the opportunity to do it. I'm with him pretty much all day, every day, and when I'm not usually my mom is. He rarely goes to a friend's house and when he does it's one of a few friends all of whom we know well.

 

Thanks,

Sue

 

I think the diabetes could have quite a lot to do with it. If I had to pick an area to really focus on, it would be this one.

 

My second area to tighten would be on the gaming and screen time. Both that and re-reading the same books over and over are escape behaviors. I wouldn't deal with the two books issue at all, but I would severely restrict the gaming time or possibly even have a gaming fast. I like Ma23peas advice to get him involved in a number of other things.

 

As for the books--I have done this myself, when things are rough. Reading has always been my escape. However, during one particularly rough patch of my life I read and re-read the Wimsey series by Dorothy Sayers over and over again. I wanted to be in that world--rich, intelligent, with a fabulous butler.

 

I wouldn't worry about the lack of direction for now. He's young enough that you have some time to pick up on that later. In your shoes I would treat the depression aggressively through better diabetes management, restricted screen time, and more activities.

 

Disclaimer: I do not have teens myself. However, I have had quite a lot of experience with unhappy teens.

 

I hope he gets to feeling better (and acting like the kid you know and love and know is down in there) soon.

[swimmermom3]

Honestly, this sounds like depression to me. He may be down too far in it to pull himself out. Has he had a full physical to rule out health causes? Is there something that triggered this change?

 

I don't want to scare you unnecessarily, but having watched close relatives struggle through drug addiction, my own radar tends to be sensitive on this. The behavior changes you describe here could also be due to drugs or alcohol use. Please forgive me if the suggestion is inappropriate to your situation, though I would encourage you to think it through carefully.

 

:iagree:I would agree. I also think perhaps, you need another counselor. I know that can be disruptive to treatment so it needs to be considered carefully. Hopefully, this one is at least suggesting dietary changes (cutting down sugar and caffeine), plenty of exercise, daily exposure to natural light-sunshine is best and plenty of sleep. There is considerable research being done on how hours of gaming rewires brain patterns. The lighting also tends to disrupt melatonin production which in turn disrupts sleep.

 

It can be a hard thing for a parent when they feel like their child isn't moving forward in the "standard pattern". I'm sorry you and your son are going through this.:grouphug::grouphug: Please don't put this on the back burner or write it off as hormones. If I have misinterpreted or over responded, please accept my apologies.

[Ame E.]

A lot of it is diabetes.. Has he considered pump therapy? If somehow he starts to own his disease (by testing and taking extra insulin), that might improve things. Depression and out of control diabetes go hand in hand... you don't have energy to do anything you used to do...

 

Also my son is going into tenth this year... Ninth was absolutely the worst.. Hormonally, they are going through all kinds of things... and stuff he was able to focus on in seventh/eighth grade, it seems like he lost in ninth... It was exhausting schooling him... As he heads towards 16, things seem a bit better... but I too suggest restricting computer time so that he can be more involved in the outside world... Sports and physical activity will also help "clear his mind" and bring down his blood sugars..

 

Somehow he has to get in the place where he wants to do these things, rather than have mom/dad/doctor force him too...

 

Ame

[Laurie4b]

My son (almost 15) has pretty much lost all interest in the things he used to enjoy - going to museums, taking short trips, walking through nature areas. Now, when given his druthers, he either sleeps, reads, or plays computer games. Not that I have anything against reading, but for the past year he's just read and reread the same 2 books (Harry Potter and Brisingr).

 

Of more concern to us, is that his attitude is growing worse and he has no plans for the future. He is seeing a counselor (for anger issues and the attitude issues) but the counselor is finding him reluctant to "look at things from a different perspective" and otherwise cooperate during their sessions. I've tried talking to him about his future but he just tunes out while agreeing that "something" needs to change.

 

Many of his friends have older siblings who are now entering college (can't think of any who haven't gone from homeschool to college, though there preobably are at least a couple) and pretty much all his friends have some sort of grasp on what they want to do.

 

I realize that this is only his first year of high school so he still has a few years to think things through, but all his future goals up until now have been so far out of the realm of possibility that we're really wondering and worried. For example, he wanted to be a translator but didn't want to do the work required to learn any languages (not to mention that he's struggling with spelling, grammar, and writing English). We try not to discourage things like these but rather to point out what he'd need to in order to achieve the goal. So far, he's never been willing to put in the effort required.

 

What can I do to help him realize that his future is fast approaching and that he needs to prepare for it? Or do I just need to adjust my expectations and let him figure it out on his own? Something in between?

 

Thanks,

Sue

mom.wilson@comcast.net

 

I second the recommendation to look into an insulin pump. He still would have to take his blood sometimes to keep the pump calibrated, but the pump can be set to react automatically to changes in blood sugar. High blood sugar makes people grouchy and can affect ability to think well.

 

Also, you say that he is struggling with spelling, writing, etc. Have you had him evaluated for LD's? Sometimes kids with LD's would rather act like they just don't care to do something to hide the fact that they really can't. They don't want to look stupid, so they pretend they just don't want to try.

 

I would also go for a second opinion with a different psychologist. Maybe you can just wait for the teen diabetes specialist--is that a physician who manages the medical end, or a counselor?

 

If I was going to pick a battle to fight, it would be with the diabetes management. That might be the key to everything else.

 

Is he inside all day? Can you kick him outside to read or do the gaming on a laptop? Being outside has mental health benefits. Is there any kind of exercise that he enjoys? Any that he'll do (even if it's not his favorite?) Exercise is the very best natural treatment for mood disorders. How much is he around other kids? I would also do whatever I could to facilitate social contacts.

 

What is your relationship with him like? Do you have positive interactions? Are there things you could do to move toward him? (One of my ds's, for instance, is majorly affected by the quality of cooking going on. He can be softened up quite a bit by cooking. For another, watching movies together is a bonding activity.) Anyway, do what you can to strengthen your bonds with him in a positive way, without making it contingent on his behavior.

 

What is your dh's take on this?

 

Are there other adults who can be allies? Grandparents? Uncles? Youth pastor?

[SonshineLearner]

I know my parents expected me to go to college. While I was younger though, I didn't see the big picture. Perhaps it would have helped to draw it out for me. Back when I was younger, I just didn't have an idea of what it took to buy a house, car, live. You know.... Working low paying jobs isn't fun to use for a living.

Sports, chores and other activities are good too! Especially ones with him working not by himself:-)

Carrie;-)

[SW in IL]

He doesn't really have a male role model in his life. His father was abusive and I left when DS when about a year old. I remarried but my (soon-to-be-ex) husband basically abandoned us when DS was 9 or 10. Since then, it's been me, DS, and my mom (she's 82 and we live with her and take care of things/cook). I've been told by several counselors that this is a problem, but none has ever helped try to find a solution. It's like they expect me to marry again and hope for POOF! InstaDad. Ain't happening.

 

There aren't many places nearby that will allow a 14 (or 15) year old to volunteer, with out without a parent. Most places require that kids be at least 16 and even then many places will only let them volunteer during the summer months. We've tried enrolling him in classes but the past couple of years we haven't been able to afford to do that (neither my husband nor my ex pay any kind of support). The most I've been able to do lately is insist on a weekly outing. Last week we went to a museum with a garden and took a short nature walk. He has one good friend (15yo homeschooled boy) with whom he normally gets together at least once a week and a neighborhood boy whom he'll 'hang out' with (usually playing computer games at our house) when the opportunity arises.

 

We live in an area where our neighbors hire people to do things like mow their lawns, rake their leaves, and shovel the snow which leaves little opportunity for kids like DS to earn pocket money doing the same. Our village does have a teen registry for kids willing to do things like that but, again, you have to be 16. As far as relatives go, they are few and far between. The older set (70+) includes only one uncle who has alzheimers and the last time we tried visiting with him, it upset both Uncle B and DS. One aunt who lives right around the corner has a full-time live-in caregiver who refuses to let DS visit her... Says teenage boys are too dirty and too active to be around her. I tried to appeal to Aunt D's daughter (the one overseeing her care), but her daughter deferred to the caregiver's wishes. The only other relative in the area is another aunt who spends most of her time in Israel.

 

We have not yet had DS tested for learning disabilities as even the school wants to rule out his out-of-control diabetes as the cause of his problems before they'll test him.

 

Thanks for all the responses. Hopefully I'll be able to find a way to get DS to take care of his diabetes more reliably. He's actually doing pretty well with his school work so far, but we've only been at it for a week and even then we're only doing spelling and vocabulary while we wait for the other books to arrive. I'm slowly getting a plan put together that'll give him an introduction to most of the subjects and then maybe let him follow his interests once he has the basics down.

 

Sue

[jibaker103]

There aren't many places nearby that will allow a 14 (or 15) year old to volunteer, with out without a parent. Most places require that kids be at least 16 and even then many places will only let them volunteer during the summer months.

 

Sue

Try your local library. Mine excepted kids 13-18 year round until they got an influx of requests so now you have to be 14.

[StephinAL]

My daughter wasn't very ambitious either. After a year as a cashier at the local grocery, she was determined to get a college degree. She saw adults making what she makes and didn't want that future.So maybe get him a dead end job?