I am burdened

[Janna]

Dh and I have *a lot* going on right now. We feel like we are being attacked from all angles. Perhaps I'll share about some of it later, but for now, I need some advice, tips...anything about my brother-in-law.

 

My brother in law and his wife live about 3.5 hrs away from us. They have 3 children - dd (19), dd (17) ds (8). Brother in law and his wife have had problems their entire lives - from their own separate lives growing up, to their lives together as a married couple. Their lives have been full of rebellion, alcoholism, drugs, theft, mis-handled finances (an understatement) and suicide attempts. Brother in law wasn't at our wedding (he was supposed to be a groomsman) because he had been caught with his 3rd DUI the night before and was consequently in jail. His wife was charged with drug use and the kids were, at one time, supposed to have moved in with us for a time, but her parents took them instead (in lieu of foster care). Anyway, it's sad. It's beyond sad. It's heartbreaking and dh and I never know what to do. Dh's parents (brother in laws parents, as this is dh's brother) have not helped either except in monetary ways which brother in law and wife promptly abuse.

 

So today, dh called his brother because it's his birthday. His brother then proceeds to tell him that his wife is in the hospital in critical condition and has been since Thursday. Apparently, she has completely stopped eating and drinks vodka all night long and sleeps during the day. On Thursday, she was in the bathroom and apparently had a seizure and hit her head. Oldest dd called 911. They came out, checked her over and said she was OK. They leave. :confused: 15 min later, she is in the kitchen, has another seizure, hits her head on the refrigerator and falls unconscious. Same 911 crew comes back and takes her to the hospital where she still is. Apparently, she looks "like a 95 yr old woman". She is bruised everywhere and her legs are black. Her father is accusing brother in law of being abusive physically, even though he says he never laid a hand on her. All of the children also attest to this and there are the reports from the 911 dispatcher and the ambulance team that she had seizures and fell. Because she looks so battered and bruised though, it looks like she was beat up.

 

Dh and I are thinking that she has severe cirrhosis of the liver. The last time we saw *her* was 7 years ago (we've visited many times since then but she is never around). At *that* time her skin was definitely jaundiced and her stomach and face was swollen while the rest of her body was frail. She hadn't stopped eating at that time, so we can't imagine what she looks like now.

 

Anyway, brother in law apparently doesn't care at all and has no desire to go visit her in the hospital. He has been disgusted with her behavior for YEARS and her lack of mothering that he has given up on her. His job, which he usually is not able to keep for more than a year (he is an alcoholic also, beer is his choice of beverage, though he pours out her vodka when she's not looking because its worse:confused:), requires that he get there at 3am. He's had this job for almost 3 years now which is amazing. He stocks vending machines. He claims that he can't miss ONE day or he gets fired, so even though she's in the hospital, he's still going to work. Apparently not too long ago, she swallowed a bunch of pills and left a suicide note, but her attempt failed for some reason.

 

Anyway, we are at a loss. We don't even know what to do at all. We haven't known what to do...ever, except taking those kids 10 years ago, but we never had to because her parents took them instead. To be honest, we're not even sure she's going to survive. We only have the info that he's giving us, and we know nothing about cirrhosis, but a quick search lets us know she has severe, if not unrepairable, cirrhosis of the liver and probably kidney damage/failure too.

 

In all of this, it makes me wonder why more inquiries into the family haven't been made. I mean, I would think that the hospital would be looking into this, don't you? I would think there would have been follow up with the state when the kids were taken because of the drug use, right? So I guess I don't know if a.) brother in law is telling us the truth or b.) if they are getting overlooked by the system?

 

Dh's (and brother in laws) mother has never been favorable with the marriage so there's no support there. In fact, it's more of an attitude of "good riddance" which breaks our heart. It's sooooo wrong. Their father (parents are divorced) just feels guilty because he was a drunk (how my dh turned out unscathed and a deeply committed husband/father and newbie Christian is the Lord's work!), so he just gives him money and *stuff*.

 

I feel sick for that family. What would you do? How far would you go to help? What could even *be* a help in this situation? Ugh.

[Dirtroad]

Other than offering to help him with the kids, I don't know of anything else you can do. Pray for them in earnest & often.

[Harriet Vane]

Janna I'm so sorry. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I have crazy dysfunctional family, and have dealt with more than my fair share of unhappy situations as a result.

 

I would say to focus first and foremost on the kids. Phone, send little notes, etc. Try to contact them somehow, weekly. You'd be surprised at how much a little superficial friendliness can comfort a child in an unhappy home.

 

As far as the state's involvement, if the case was closed then it will stay closed unless someone makes a new report. If bil has a job and is not abusing or neglecting the kids (criminally) then the state cannot intervene.

 

In your shoes, I would be tempted to simply show up at the hospital one day, visit with sil or sit at her bedside, and sweetly, quietly, gently, persistently ask questions until you are given answers. Do not ask sil--ask the staff. You can do this if you are sweet, casual, caring, and act as if you have the authority to know. Not in a pushy, demanding way--just gentle and persistent. You may find that they will talk to you even though technically they are only supposed to talk to bil (her husband) legally.

 

I have done this myself, more than once, with regard to my aunt who is dying of a brain tumor. I have a good relationship with her husband (my uncle) but he was not a good source of information for a variety of reasons. On several occasions I have been able to get my questions answered my doctors or nurses. I have learned over the last five years that they will talk to you if you present yourself calmly, sweetly, rationally. Don't tell them you know they don't need to talk to you or in any way hint that you are a newcomer--just calmly, sweetly, casually yet authoritatively ask questions.

 

You might also find, if you visit sil, that she is miserable enough physically to just be glad you (or anyone) is there. You might find that she does open up to you, just because she is lonely and ill. If you think of this as a way to minister to her children it will be easier.

 

Pray before you go, and ask friends to pray for you in this regard. (If you pm me when you go I will definitely pray as well.)

 

You can also pm me if you want. :grouphug: