TravelingChris Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 I have a very ambitious and dedicated teen who doesn't like growing up. SHe is going into 11th grade and is scared of going off to college. She can't stay home and go because we will move at least once if not two times during her college years. I mentioned that she is ambitious because she realizes she needs to go to college and even realizes she needs to go to a good college. But her anxiety of not being around her family is inhibiting her from investigating colleges and figuring out which ones she would like to visit. SHould I just pick colleges to visit and hope she gets more interested? Are there any books anyone might recommend for anxious teens? Any ideas? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K-FL Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 (edited) Dd#1 is like this. I forced her to visit her 1st college while we were visiting family. The 2nd (& one she'll be attending) I instigated, but she was on board from the start. Yes, I'd say you plan & let her follow for the time being. You never know when she'll "own" the process. I only investigated schools w/in a reasonable drive from some member of the family. That way even if she couldn't come home for the 3 day weekend, she could go to an aunt's or grandparent's house. Edited July 21, 2009 by K-FL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Honestly, the right answer would be to wait and she'll come around. However, as homeschooling mothers then this answer usually is not good enough. I know with dd we plugged away and from 15 to 16 she changed tremendously and got really motivated. Otherwise I would have graduated, applied and had her take a year off between going off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 We can't wait for various reasons (some financial, some logistical). SHe is completely ready even now for doing college classes and she did do one and really enjoyed it when she had just turned 15. SHe knows she is being illogical but just isn't owning the process yet. It isn't that she is rebelling but rather that she is anxious and having that rule her right now. I think that your advice K-Fl us what I will do. We are taking a roadtrip to FL from VA in mid AUgust for her to get her driver's license and it is a great opportunity for us to visit some colleges as we have no specific plans. Thnaks for the encouragement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I have a very ambitious and dedicated teen who doesn't like growing up. SHe is going into 11th grade and is scared of going off to college. She can't stay home and go because we will move at least once if not two times during her college years. I mentioned that she is ambitious because she realizes she needs to go to college and even realizes she needs to go to a good college. But her anxiety of not being around her family is inhibiting her from investigating colleges and figuring out which ones she would like to visit. SHould I just pick colleges to visit and hope she gets more interested? Are there any books anyone might recommend for anxious teens? Any ideas? I'm a little confused. If she's a rising junior, she has another year before she needs to apply, though it would be nice if she started thinking about it. You said that "she's ready now" for college classes, so you must mean she is academically ready. That doesn't mean emotionally ready. Some kids even take a gap year. If however, she generally has anxiety about being separated from her family (for vacations, etc.) then I would take her to a psychologist who uses cognitive behavioral therapy. Usually between 3-6 months will give a person the coaching they need to be able to cope with the anxious feelings so that they can do what they need to to function optimally. It's not a "share your feelings" kind of therapy; it's a skills training type of therapy. It will likely be part of the therapy for her to choose to spend time away from you will she's keeping her anxiety under control. (ie Go spend a night with a friend/relative, go spend a weekend, etc. Increasing amounts of time and distance as she is comfortable.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted July 21, 2009 Author Share Posted July 21, 2009 WEll the strange thing is she has spent time away from us. THis year she went on a mission trip to Newark Nj for 8 days and on a winter retreat for 3 days. SHe has gone to camps in other countries when we lived overseas and she went to camps in neighboring countries. She doesn't have separation anxiety as much as simply a dislike of anything changing like growing up. SHe just wants things to remain the same and of course they won't. It is particurlarly strange as she loves to move and has stated that if she can't be in the military, she wants to marry someone in the military so she can keep moving. It is funny because she is a lot like me in many, many ways but I was so looking forward to college at her age. It probably has more to do with the declining economic status she will have as she reaches adulthood. My experience was living with a widowed mother who didn't have a very high income. Her experience is living with parents who live in a nice, large house and take fun (if not very expensive) vacations. She also is getting homesick for our pets. SHe is unhappy that she won't have a pet in college. SInce she is not bored in her classes, doesn't have an unhappy family life or circumstances, has no desire for more freedom since she doesn't want to drink or do other vices, and her main pleasures in life she can more easily do at home (watch movies, listen to cds and read books), I don't think college is quite that attractive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Building Up Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 My kids are all still very young, but dh and I have been working in college ministry for 15 years. It sounds like your dd is one who is afraid of the unknown, and would prefer to stay in the safety of what is familiar - that sounds fairly normal to me! ;) If this is the case I think the best thing to do is to make the unknown more familiar. I think the idea of you planning a college visit or two is a great idea. I suggest that on your visit you try to arrange for her to get a feel for what campus life is like beyond the academics. If she's not up for staying in a dorm overnight with a host student (some schools can arrange this), search out other ways for her to interact with students and find out what is available extra-curricularrly (is that a word?!). Some ideas just judging from your siggy - visit the art studios and chat with the students there working, visit a campus ministry (some campuses have buildings, others you'd have to find a contact person or visit on a meeting night). Once she gets a better picture of how college life could be for her it might help calm her fears. Does she have any specific fears that she can pinpoint? You could try to address those. But, since you say that she knows it is illogical fear she's experiencing I'm betting that she will come to terms with it as hs comes to a close and she begins to see that time won't stand still even if she wants it too. Blessings, Nancy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in VA Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I have no advice but I'm watching this thread with interest. My middle dd is constantly stressed about getting older. At least 3 birthdays she has spent crying in her closet because she didn't want to get older. She turned 10 a couple of weeks ago and it was heart-wrenching. She made me promise her that I'd never make her move out. She is crushed that her sister is going to college in 4 years. It's such a radical difference from my oldest who regularly reminds me practically down to the minute how much longer until she goes to college LOL. I try to convince myself that this will go away as she gets older, but I've been hoping that since she was 4 and begged not to turn 5. Heather Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moni Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Anyone have a teen who doesn't want to grow up? What did you do? They're 18 at that point It isn't a question of what *I* did. They are adults. I had a teen who wasn't ready to go away let alone apply early fall nearly a year before freshman year. That teen waited until July to apply :tongue_smilie:, and did, and got into 3 good schools. She chose one, and less than 3 weeks later was 2,000 miles away moving into her college apartment. :lol: They come around in their own time. *I* didn't do anything. It's not for me to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moni Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 We can't wait for various reasons . Well, college will be there later. One "can" always Not go to college. :seeya: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Just to tell you that VCU is very sensitive to the transition period kids go thru. I just got back last week from orientation, which is scheduled a month to two months ahead of actual move-in. The parents and kids were briefly together to hear a welcome from some of the admin, then the kids went off in groups of about 15 and spent the day doing various things while the parents also went off in a large group and heard what to expect at college. There was a wonderful "student drama" where some kids performed various vignettes about college life, covering everything from academic pressure, to cheating, to date-rape (that one was particularly affecting, and was told from the perspective of a young girl and a gay guy). We heard from financial aid, from computer people, from housing, from the profs who do the core curriculum which all students take--it was informative and fun. Ds heard most of the same presentations, but also got his on-campus id card (good for the cafeteria, laundry, restaurants nearby, library--technology applied well!). He ate lunch and dinner with his cohort (group), then said goodbye to me, and spent the night. They had games, a movie, bowling, etc. to choose from, and late-night pizza. They had to be in the dorm at 10 pm. The next day, he met with his advisor and completely worked out his schedule. I picked him up around 11, and I think, even tho he did not have a good time socially (he's challenged that way), he did feel better about going. More was "settled," if you will. They move in on Aug 15, but school doesn't start until the 20th--it gives them time to make the transitions, get used to being in the dorm, make some connections, etc. I'm not sure by your post if your child is truly anxious about leaving family as much as lamenting the fact that she won't have what she's used to. Going to an orientation or more probable, an open house, will help her see that the lifestyle of a student can be quite fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I have a 15 year old, so I am not exactly in your situation, but my advice would be not to push it right now. "Going into" 11th grade means she's probably 16, right? She's got several more years before going to college becomes a reality. She may mature and change a great deal in that time. Additionally, nothing says she has to run off to college as soon as she graduates. She could always take a gap year. I wouldn't force her to make any decisions or schedule any college visits just yet. Give her six months and see how she feels then. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKS Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 You can do what my parents did and announce that she must go to college at least 2 hours away from home. There was no negotiation about that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farmgirl70 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 That said, I tend to push in small ways that I know are perfectly safe. As she gets older (nearly 16), she's generally fine after her first experience. This past year or so, she's tackled making her own calls to arrange details (sometimes involving asking adults things : ), riding public transportation alone, getting herself to and from classes in our neighborhood, etc. She's fine with all these things now, as if they are no big deal, but I did have to demand her first experience or two until she could see that she is capable. Are there some baby steps you can have her take? Something that might help her take more steps in a while? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tajott Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 (edited) I did...she grew out of it when the time came. 11th grade is a scary time. I suggest you just let her be and realize she really WILL eventually want to leave your home. it is better that she stay around the nest now, no matter wher that nest ends up, than to encourage her to fly before her feathers are fully grown in. You want her to want to LEAVE, not want to come BACK! My Peter Pan-type and frightened 11th grader just finished her freshman year at a local private college, while living at home. If we had to move now, she is much more likely to consider staying in town than she was at this time last year. Give her lots of grace and try not to stress the poor kid. She's got a lot of decisions to make in the next couple of years. It is scary to grow up. Teresa Edited July 23, 2009 by tajott Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonshine Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 I suggest visiting colleges you think are a good match for her, and possibly arranging overnights on the dorm for her. The visiting weekends set up to introduce the student and parents to a college may be a good idea. They will allow her to become familiar with a college and the staff will try to sell the college to her, which may help her to think she does want to attend a college. I would do your research first and make sure that it will be a positive experience. If she stays with someone who either leaves her to go off and get drunk, etc, or takes her with for that experience it will backfire, given what you say about your daughter. Other ideas are having her visit a friend in college and attending a camp for highschoolers at a college. You mention mission trip, so I assume you are a Christian. If not, please ignore my next advice or find something similar in your belief system. You may want to have her attend Summit at Cedarville U. (in Ohio) or at Bryan (in Tennesee) or a summer camp at Liberty U. in Virginia. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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