Teenage son woes

[Osmosis Mom]

This is a rant. I am not looking for answers. I am fed up with ds 13. Seriously. He is a big introvert and shy, but is desperate for friends. Apparently. Because he never verbalizes anything and right now is just being closed up and angry. Could be depression. I have written about him before and no, I have not taken him to a doctor. Why? We have a pedicatrician that we have only met a couple of times. No history there and I know that he'd jsut refer us off to a specialist. I do not believe that this kind of depression is not manipulative, but ds is preferring to feed it instead. We have a history of depression.

 

Anyways. Recent problem(s). A few years ago we made friends with a family where ds liked one of their sons. This family is from a different socio-economic status and uneducated, and yes, this does matter to me. I love them, but there are stark differences. Basically this son from there was sent to a boarding school last year to get a more focused Islamic education (and most likely also to get him out of their rough neighbourhood and lousy school. Of course the family could move, but they are seeming to be holding themselves down, probably due to lack of education and self-esteem). Please don't bash me for being honest here, but the reality is that they live just above poverty.

 

OK, so this child went to a school across the country, came back over christmas and introduced ds to po*n fx. Yep. Ds is a very loyal type of kid. He chooses one pal and does not ever try to make more friends. Thsi other kid of course has tons of family cousins and school-mates and likes ds OK, but perhaps also because of the difference in economic level, I don't know. What I know is that ds has closed himself off. He thinks he has to be with this pal (who never calls and who has nothing to say when ds calls).

 

So, this pal was visiting his home for two weeks (this is for the summer) before going back to school so I naively invited him to stay for a few days. Kid arrives and the boys either each sat glued to an electrinic device or nintendo or played momentarily basketball. Few things here: Ds is very restricted how much he can do electronics so to him it is something when a pal comes over and the reign gets loosened up. Also, ds became very rude to his brothers during and after pal was here, acting out and saying he was fed up with the family (his new theme).

 

Basically I ended the visit after two nights here (1 1/2 day) due to ds' s mood and the fact that pal was glued to his IPhone and bascially was using ds as a place to stay at and not as a missed pal. When we went to tak ehim back the boys (actually ds) came up with the plan of leaving one of pal's items behind so I would be forced to attend a social gettogether the next day in order to return the item. I couldn't go due to cost of gas and event and frankly told ds in front of pal that he'd need to mail back "forgotten" item.

 

I am telling this to ilustrate how ds is manipulating me. He is lonely and hanging onto a friend who has long ago moved on. He cannot make friends on his own. OK, so now he has begun a crnaky, infriendly phase and has sent me letters via my bed-pillow detailing hwon he "has" to go to this boarding school. I "kindly" wrote back telling him that this school as partly a correctional school, that we raised our own kids, that he was a spoiled brat not appreciating anyting that we do for him. He also said he'd give up soccer (very advanced level and something the whole family is SACRIFICING time and money for; that'd he'd play soccer there. He now is in love with basketball (he is a soccer player in case that wasn't clear).

 

Anyway, the saga is long and complicated, but he is like a chameleon. And instead of opening up and yelling back when I yelled not so nice things back to him after letter no. 2 then he just clams up and can't even hold eye-contact.

 

I am very angry with him, actually. He speaks badly about our family. The otehr day he looked at me with wild eyes, full of hate. He is also a very loving person, at least normally a person with very high ethics, but very closed up to hugs or kisses.

 

I can't sit and discuss with him as this is non-negotiable. I am just not sure how to punish him. Today -despite being angry with letter no. 1- I took him to a soccer tournament. I took him out for a treat. He was upset that he couldn't attend tomorrow's games as we have a graduation to attend to which involves him in weekend school), but he was pretty normal and lovely in the car. We get home and one hour later I receive letter no. 2. This leaves me to conclude he is only manipulative and that I am not even sure if there is a dependable inside...

[jibaker103]

From what I have researched and discussed with others it is a phase brought on by puberty!!! My ds turned 13 at the end of December in which a switch was thrown and my ds became an alien/pod child!! Ds who was once loving, outgoing, a leader, and life of the party is now extremely shy, refuses to participate in activities and make new friends, details how the family is so horrible, and has extreme mood swings. All I can say is hang in there it will eventually get better as he matures and his hormonal levels even out.

 

I have decided to cut down on the arguing and yelling by stating and posting the rules along with the consequences. When rules are broken I will follow through immediately on consequences without giving second chances!

 

Jennifer

Mother to Noah Age 13

[Jane in NC]

Nadia,

 

Thirteen year old boys are walking hormone bundles which is certainly contributing to this problem. You have my sympathy.

 

I hope that he is able to exercise strenuously on a regular basis as a way of directing his anger.

 

:grouphug:,

Jane

[Michelle in AL]

:grouphug::grouphug: Just hugs, I know from your posts that you're a loving, caring mom. Parenting teens is so hard sometimes!

[Starr]

It makes one want to talk like a pirate, arrrg. We are rooting for you! I'm also a mom of teens.

[Osmosis Mom]

Oh, galls, you guys are the best!! I felt uplifted after the first couple of posts last night which was good because dh was about to explode with frustration. I could just feel my parenting self-esteem lift. Yeah, it is hard not to take things personally. I do know that I was a pretty annoying teen myself...

 

So, I went upstairs. He was calm by then. I basically told him that he could make a list of things he wanted to do, a realistic list of things. That I understood he felt ignored sometimes due to him being quiet, that he needed to talk openly. But first, to make this list so I could try to fulfill some of his needs while still managing the family. I also said frimly that I would not tolerate manipulation and gave him specific examples of him trying to manipulate and that that constituted spoiled behaviour. Told him his life could get *real miserable*(a threat and I felt goooood!). Told him about how people can encourage depression and that I wasn't buying self-pity and did not want him to end up like his maternal grandmother who is an interesting example. Stuff like that. Told him to combat his low self-esteem and realise he is a leader in the house, being the older brother and oldest son. This summer his older sisters are abroad so it is a chance for him to step up. He looks at himself as a baby still.

 

Anyways. After venting here, then I was able to see his frustration and loneliness. And your posts were invaluable, honestly. Also, Starr's pirate talk comment was hilarious. I appreciate it.

[unsinkable]

Nadia,

 

I started a thread with a prayer list for moms of 13 yo boys a few months ago. :grouphug:

 

Can he take up running? It'd help his stamina for soccer & help with depression.

[Deidre in GA]

for most of the last two years my son has behaved much like yours. for the past month i suddenly have a teen who is fairly cooperative, thoughtful, and kind. it's as if aliens kidnapped my son and left this really nice kid in his place. who knows how long it will last but as far as i'm concerned the aliens can keep Red Chief. ds is 15, btw.

[Michelle in AL]

Nadia, I like your list of things to do idea. My dd is 15 and introverted. She started to withdraw from the family and became a little snarky. I've made it a point to correct the bad with her, but also to do something to connect with her most days, whether it's shopping, cooking or just watching TV. I have a new daughter now (at least for the past few days), the old one may come back at any minute.

[kpupg]

(((((Nadia)))))

 

My ds is 14 and has trouble with friendships, too. I'm right there with you. We had good results from putting ds into a sport where he sweats buckets twice a week -- in his particular case, that's fencing, but could be any sport. The key is to make him sweat buckets and come home physically worn out. Works wonders, and the weeks he doesn't go, it really shows the difference. Just a thought and YMMV of course.

 

Hang in there, they do grow up, eventually

Karen

[Osmosis Mom]

Nadia,

 

I started a thread with a prayer list for moms of 13 yo boys a few months ago. :grouphug:

 

Can he take up running? It'd help his stamina for soccer & help with depression.

 

Good suggestion and one I have already made the last two years. Perhaps his new coach will insist they run at home. He does do strenous yard work and has soccer thrice a week, but he definitely does better with a good physical work-out.

[Osmosis Mom]

Nadia, I like your list of things to do idea. My dd is 15 and introverted. She started to withdraw from the family and became a little snarky. I've made it a point to correct the bad with her, but also to do something to connect with her most days, whether it's shopping, cooking or just watching TV. I have a new daughter now (at least for the past few days), the old one may come back at any minute.

 

Oh, I agree. I have two teenaged daughters and it seems they become new people after age 15. Oldest is a wonderful gal now and second-oldest has some really great days. Ds is my first boy.

[Kathy in MD]

My ds turned 15 in March and I'm just begining to get a human being back. One with lots of backsliding, but things are beginning to improve. Lately I've also been insisting on family activities because ds kept insisting he wasn't part of the family. This attitude was aggravated by his friends having problems with international adoption -- how could our Hispanic ds have anglo-saxon parents. (I've found this problem also to be one of socio-economic class)

[Sunshine State Sue]

:grouphug:

 

Ds turned 13 in December, and I now describe him as 'explosive'. Sigh!

 

He has been very outgoing and friendly, but now seems to have drawn into himself, doesn't want to attempt new friendships, and clings to his 2 friends he's had for years. He's also very intimidated by high school age boys. I hear this is typical.

 

Last week there was a thread:

What are your favorite parenting teen books

 

I've been listening to Get Out of my Life, but first can you take me and Cheryl to the Mall? It's helpful. I prefer letting Dad deal with as much as possible.

Edited June 22, 2009 by Sue in St Pete

[love2read]

:grouphug: I really dislike that age. It will pass and he will figure things out. It's such a desperate age.

[jibaker103]

:grouphug:

 

Ds turned 13 in December, and I now describe him as 'explosive'. Sigh!

 

He has been very outgoing and friendly, but now seems to have drawn into himself, doesn't want to attempt new friendships, and clings to his 2 friends he's had for years. I hear this is typical.

 

Last week there was a thread:

What are your favorite parenting teen books

 

I've been listening to Get Out of my Life, but first can you take me and Cheryl to the Mall? It's helpful. I prefer letting Dad deal with as much as possible.

This is so Noah!!!!!!!!!! I'm about to start reading the same book tomorrow!!!!!

 

Jennifer

Mother to Noah Age 13

[jibaker103]

Oh, I agree. I have two teenaged daughters and it seems they become new people after age 15. Oldest is a wonderful gal now and second-oldest has some really great days. Ds is my first boy.

You mean I only have to hang in there for 2 more years?!?!?! Hope I survive!!!!!

 

Jennifer

Mother to Noah Age 13

[jibaker103]

Good suggestion and one I have already made the last two years. Perhaps his new coach will insist they run at home. He does do strenous yard work and has soccer thrice a week, but he definitely does better with a good physical work-out.

I'm planning to stick Noah in Basketball, Gymnastics, and Track. Will that work for his depression and to make him actually fall asleep at night? He lays in bed from 10 pm to about 2 am unable to sleep and then doesn't get up until 11:30 am!!!

 

Jennifer

Mother to Noah Age 13

[Linda in NM]

Mine's making the switch as well; he just turned 15. Occasionally, I find a very nice guy who offers to let me select a movie! (Can this be the same?) Then, he's giving up hockey the next moment (he is on his way to D1 hockey--he's very good)...then he's helping the little kids learn hockey skills. I have hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel...(and it's not Johny Cash's "oncoming train!"

[tmkclscroggins]

We had some of the same problems you had. Do you know what helped the most? Physical exercise....lots of physical exercise. My son is almost 15 now but we can tell such a difference when he's active. It's like a normal person in our house instead of Cujo!

 

For example, he did a golf camp in the mornings and then had a 3.5 hour soccer camp in the evenings. We had such a good week!

 

 

I've heard this passes. Hugs to you!

 

 

melissa

[Orthodox6]

If you "have a history of depression" (which I guess you mean is a "family history") -- take your son to a specialist. Even if only one family member exhibits depression, I don't understand why one would not seek relief for the person -- unless I have missed something in the thread.

Edited June 22, 2009 by Orthodox6

[Osmosis Mom]

If you "have a history of depression" (which I guess you mean is a "family history") -- take your son to a specialist. Even if only one family member exhibits depression, I don't understand why one would not seek relief for the person -- unless I have missed something in the thread.

 

I can tell you that I am not convinced in just medicating for depression. I am not saying it is not sometimes the only solution, but before then -there are tons of other options to explore in order to get on the medication-train(wreck). I have a tendency, but I take fish oil and work on pulling myself up. My disaster model is my biological mother who honestly seems to enjoy her attention and the reality that she is always excused from being fully responsible. It was a psychiatrist who 30 years ago was a major part in her getting a divorce etc. I believe there are lots of other options even a person with the genes and tendency can do in order to avoid the diagnosis of depression.

 

I might be in denial, but I don't think so obviously.

 

Ds does do fantastic with physical labor/sport. And I need to ensure he gets more out to meet people since that is harder for a naturally inverted person.

[Orthodox6]

I am sorry that you have had a bad experience with bad-calibre professionals.

 

Our family's experience may be more typical. Three of us have major depression (along with other situations), and successfully have combined good-quality professional care, allopathic medications, alternative medications. therapy, exercise, light therapy, and improved nutrition. (I will not call appropriate use of medication "a train-wreck".) Not "all of the above" for each person, but nobody "just medicates". None of us uses illness to shirk responsibilities.

 

Hope things get better for your family !

 

I can tell you that I am not convinced in just medicating for depression. I am not saying it is not sometimes the only solution, but before then -there are tons of other options to explore in order to get on the medication-train(wreck). I have a tendency, but I take fish oil and work on pulling myself up. My disaster model is my biological mother who honestly seems to enjoy her attention and the reality that she is always excused from being fully responsible. It was a psychiatrist who 30 years ago was a major part in her getting a divorce etc. I believe there are lots of other options even a person with the genes and tendency can do in order to avoid the diagnosis of depression.

 

I might be in denial, but I don't think so obviously.

 

Ds does do fantastic with physical labor/sport. And I need to ensure he gets more out to meet people since that is harder for a naturally inverted person.

Edited June 22, 2009 by Orthodox6

[Harrison_B]

I can relate. I have two 14 ds's, so I know exactly what you are going through. In my younger son, the hormones haven't hit as much, but my older son has been "Mr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" some days. Anyway, I've found plenty of exercise, sunshine, and limited electronics helps him. Also, I made sure he takes his vitamins daily - especially, cod liver oil, B-vitamins and Vitamin E. I'm seeing an improvement in his behavior, along with his acne. Look at your son's diet to see if it is balance. He might be missing certain vitamins. Hang in there!

[Peggy in Va]

Nadia-

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: As the mother of a ds that started this stage when he hit 12 and having already raised another ds, I can tell you with complete certainty (unless there is another reason for it) that this too shall pass. Picture the terrible twos, except the dc is almost, if not already, our size.

 

I have frequently said that the only difference between toddlers and adolescence is age and size. And yes, the mood swings can be daily or even by the hour. Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel like there are only two choices - this :banghead: or wring his neck. So far, I've chosen beating my head against a wall.

 

I agree with the others about the exercise. Anything that gets them moving and working off some of those built up hormones seems to work wonders.

 

Hang in there and know you're not alone in what seems to be a very lonely and exhausting journey.

[Renee in NC]

Okay, you guys are scaring me! I have a 16yo boy who missed this stage all together, I guess! I imagine that is just a fluke and I will be banging my head against the wall for the next 8-9 years with the next 3?

[MamaT]

Yes, some boys are easier at this stage than others. My 15yo ds, even though he was like this somewhat, was so much easier than my first two.

I have one more (ds) to go. :001_smile:

[Chris in VA]

Nadia, you have my full sympathy. :grouphug:

 

I did pick up one interesting thing about your post re the other child coming to spend time with you overnight. You may have given your son a very subtle message--The friend is in boarding school, then comes home for two weeks to be with his family. They only see him for two weeks, and you invited him to spend more than just a day with you and your family. May I gently suggest that you may have unintentionally given your son the message that family is not as important as peers? I could certainly see having him over "to play," but you may need to give him that time to re-establish bonds with his own family. The fact that the boy wanted to avoid being with his own parents and family and hang with yours speaks volumes, too.

Of course, I am saying this as someone whose son has limited time with us--not in boarding school, but in treatment. Personally, I do not appreciate it when ds' friends' parents invite him to spend the night while he is on his home passes.

 

IIWY, I'd just forget about having this child over at all for a while. I'd tell your son that the boy needs to work things out with his family, and that he's already demonstrated via the p*rn that your son and this boy are not good for each other at this point. I don't really care that it's his only friend.

 

The other thing is, I'd do all I could to help my husband re-establish relationship with my son. Dads are crucial all the time, but esp for kids 12 and up. And, the more disrespect you accept, the more he'll push the boundary--you need huband back-up so that ds gets the message not to mess with his mom. If his dad can strengthen his relationship with your son, then your boy will be more likely to listen to him.

 

Hope this isn't too strongly worded--we have had an incredibly rough road with our ds, and I just wanted to offer what we've learned. Ymmv, of course.

[Osmosis Mom]

Chris in VA,

 

I see your sentiments, but re. this other boy then it is a bit different. The mother has traveled abroad for the summer with most of his siblings and it was decided that he spend the summer at the school. He came home for two weeks with his older brother traveling as well and his father working different shifts so he was being shipped off to relatives. This family is from another country where all relatives hang in together. Anyways, I offered to take him for 3-4 days, but had to change the plans due to the way the boys were interacting and ds's idea that this was his best pal (while the pal was texting other pals constantly).

 

I always take breaks from this pal, but it had been a while since he had been over due to the boarding school. I thought by having him over ds would get him out of his system (by seeing how different they are and that the pal has other best friends). It back-fired.