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Is this normal 14 year old girl behavior?


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My dd turned 14 last month, and sometimes I swear she is a different person. She just doesn't seem to care anymore. It makes no difference to her if she can spell or not. It doesn't matter if she gets math problems right or wrong. It doesn't matter if she has to rewrite a history paper 5 times because she didn't listen to instructions the first 4 times.

 

She thinks that she knows everything and is too prideful to admit that she needs help or doesn't know something. She is like this with everything, not just school.

 

When ever I point out that things would have been done simpler and quicker had she just listened or asked for help, she gets angry at me.

 

Is this normal? Is this something she might outgrow? Is this something I can help her outgrow? It is getting to the point where it is really interferring with out homeschooling. Her attitude and lack of care are starting to rub off on my boys (10 and 7). I don't want to public school her, and she says she doesn't want that either. But I just don't know what to do with her.

 

Any help or even just know to that this is a phase that they all go through, would help tremendously. Oh, and she hasn't started her period yet. Don't know if it could be related to that. She has also been extra tired lately.

Amy

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I think this may have to do with brain development. I've read somewhere that teenagers tend to read anger into other people's words/actions even when anger isn't actually present in the other person. The part of the brain that "reads" other people's intentions is still underdeveloped. Maybe this is why she gets angry with you. (:confused:)

 

You might try googling teen brain development. Here's one article I just found: http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/science/july-dec04/brain_10-13.html. I think this is an area of great interest and expanding research right now. Maybe sharing some of what you find with your dd can help? No idea, as I don't have teens yet. :tongue_smilie:

 

Just thought I'd share this, as it has been a topic of discussion among some of my teacher friends of late, and will hopefully prove a little helpful. :)

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Bets on she is about to get "it." Be nice to her....... you might want to consider not stepping up the school too much in the near future, hormones are hard to get used to! My dd was a complete airhead (sorry..), but is better now. Once she adjusts to the hormones, she may temper a bit, but it could take a year or two. My dd is almost 16, and she is now thinking about what she wants to take in college, speeding up the school a little :) and taking it more seriously. Maybe your dd can expand a hobby of hers and get elective credit for it. Mine took a cake decorating class, and is now adding cooking at home so she can get enough hours for a culinary arts credit.

 

Good luck and hang in there :)

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I think this could be somewhat due to being 14, but that doesn't mean it has to be tolerated.

I would first look to see if it's something medical:

~Could be hormonal for which you could try Omega 3 fatty acids, Super Vitamin B complex, and magnesium to level out moods. Be sue she is getting enough exercise and eating well. For my moody dd I try to get her out doing fun things like swimming, biking and going to the beach.

~Allergies: There's something called fatigue/stress syndrome that goes along with allergies and produces stress and fatigue

~Anemia: my dd has this and it causes fatigue and irritability. Her's is caused by diet.

 

To help with attitudes with school I've found the following things helpful:

~take outside classes, preferably in person or in live online classes where there is interaction with others and a hopefully motivated, inspiring teacher. My dd responds very well to other teacher's expectations.

~Map out her goals for high school: what does she want to do later? How will she accomplish that?

~Make a consequence for attitudes. First, make sure your attitude is positive (easier said then done with ornery teens). Be excited about what you're teaching. This really draws my teen out a little tiny bit more. When we've dealt with my dd's attitudes I've sat her down and explain what I expect and I also let her know that she is her younger sibling's mentor and needs to be a good example for them. After this I enforce consequences, know social time with others if she can't be socially acceptable with us (Take away cell phone and outings for the day).

 

The most important turn around I've made in my teen is making time each day to spend time with her and connect. That can be watching TV together, cooking, shopping, making special dessert, go out for coffee etc.

 

Sorry for such a long post, I can truly identify with you as we're going through this too. It exhausts me to have to make so much of an effort, but I hope it's worth it.

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Another thing I've found helpful is to turn the accountability of getting work done well over to my dh. Since he's not the usual teacher or disciplinarian, he is very effective. When she starts slipping he'll have her map out her work week and then look over it to see if it can all be done. Then he checks in with her at night to see if she got it all done and if it was done well. I guess you could add attitude checks in there too!

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I'm totally there with you. Our eldest daughter is going through a very similiar thing. Math, which she always excelled in, became a total battle this year. I started to panic when she let her grade really slide and she made it clear that she just didn't care. This has happened in many areas, she didn't want to participate in sports or anything else this past year either.

 

My dh teaches high school and he is not nearly as worried about it. He feels all her behavior is pretty typical. We're not totally letting her off the hook, just trying to be patient as she sorts things out. We've let her know that if she can't prioritize things we'll need to step in and assist her.

 

I believe my dd's attitude is also partly the result of changing body (no menstruation here yet either). We have three younger girls coming up behind her, so hopefully I'll figure out how to make this transition easier for her sisters.

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Yep, sounds like she is hitting puberty with a vengence. Her higher brain functions are likely shutting down because the rest of her body is busy gearing up for a major growth and developmental spurt.

 

It isn't fun, but it isn't permanent. What helped with my ds was finding some outside activities that he could excel in, not giving up on school, but not pushing it either. (Do you school for summer or can you call it a year and pick it up later?) As someone else suggested, make special time together reading aloud or baking cookies or doing some kind of craft. Be patient but firm in handling her attitude -- you don't have to tolerate a bad attitude.

 

They do grow out of this and even though it may seem now like she is sliding backwards academically or will get behind if you back off now, she will be making wonderful leaps and bounds within a year or 2.

 

There have been some great threads in the last year about this age:

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=68058&highlight=8th+graders

and

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=76668

 

Hang in there! Many of us have been there or are right there with you!

Edited by JennW in SoCal
fixing link to correct thread
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Wow! I hadn't heard that, but that was so, so true for my oldest. It has been less so for the younger ones because to try to mitigate the damage the oldest was doing, I talked about how he wasn't hearing us the way we really sounded. I talked about it A LOT. Some of it obviously sank in because my other two told me when it started happening to them and we talked about how they were sorry they were mad all the time and how it was ok, we'd just all wait for it to go away, and how it was just hormones, not really thier fault, and most important of all, that they weren't stuck like this forever, that it would go away. That made us all be more relaxed and tolerent, including themselves of themselves. We were all so bewildered by the first one...

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It's not that my teens aren't/haven't been prone to dissatisfaction with certain rules/requirements, or brain fog, or sleepiness (or wakefulness, depending on the hour...grr) as they've hit puberty...it's just that it hasn't been as dramatic as it was always laid out to me.

 

Could it be that some of it is "normal", and some of it is response to the behavior? We've always allowed for free expression with respect, and that's something we've continued. I'll say that I just had one of those conversations with my oldest son, today (about appreciating when he feels that something's unfair, but still requiring that his approach be respectful), but again...not as dramatic as folks have always told me it would be, with teens. It gets resolved fairly easily.

 

So...I guess I don't really know if it's genetic (we're talking two teens so far, who are quite different in most ways), or if something about our approach to/belief about teen years helps. ::Shrug:: Take what I say with a grain of salt, just in case. :D

 

I believe kids need work. Not just chores, but meaningful work. I believe they need to feel respected. I believe they need to be required to show respect. Dh and I believe that along with increasing responsibilties, teens (and older kids) need increased freedoms.

 

Can you have a talk with her about things like that, and link some responsibility and freedom for her? Something she wants to do, or would like to do, that can be tied to showing more responsibility in schoolwork/housework/attitude? Something that acknowledges she's growing up, but still reminds her that she's answerable to you?

 

This is different than a rewards system. At least, it is, if you tie things together, logically.

 

Just a thought. Forgive me if I'm off base.

Edited by Jill, OK
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You described my 14 year old, too. This is one kid who has always been a challenge, and for those who suggest "gently" that it's a parenting flaw, my oldest has gone through that stage with admittedly a lower frustration level at times, but remaining a respectful, hardworking student. Same parenting, different responses.

 

Some kids are just wired to be more difficult and the best parenting in the world isn't gonna change that.

 

Anyway, my 14 year old has also always been very precocious in most ways (though to me surprise, the whole period thing didn't happen till around her 14th birthday.) But she started into this unpleasant phase while she was still 12, and though things are far from all the way better, I think we may have hit the trough and started up the other side. Both my husband and I agree that things seem to have gotten better a tiny bit, or at least stopped getting worse!

 

It's a phase. I do agree with others who have suggested spending time with your daughter. Most weeks either my husband or I will take her out... even just to a coffee shop for tea together, or shopping, or out for dessert. It's good to have positive, non-school related time.

 

Hang in there! This, too, will pass.

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Thank you so much for the replies. Some days are okay and some are bad.

 

It occurred to me after reading the responses that she could just be struggling with missing some of her activities. This school year we tried an enrichment program that was a full day Friday and a PE class on Tuesdays, then a home ec class on Thursdays. With the summer, all of those things are on hold until September.

 

I will have to see what I can do to help fill the void this summer. Honestly, I was just enjoying the freedom of not having to go anywhere, I forgot that teens needs more social time.

 

Amy

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