Fourteen and frustration How do you survive high school?Sop

[Storm Bay]

My frustration! My 14 yo said yesterday that she likes Algebra, but today was frustrated and bored. Why? Because she's supposed doing Properties of Irrational NUmbers and is figuring out square roots to numbers with irrational square roots. Without a calculator (there were no pocket calculators that I'm aware of back in 1965).

 

Even though I want her to normalyl do her work without a caclulator, I give her a calculator for the very first time with Algebra because she knows what to do and so she would finally finish this assignment, but she's still figuring them out on her own because, in her words, "I have to think."

 

Do we ever really understand our dc????? This is the same dd who dawdles regularly and who vehemently opposes writing essays. However, she is actually doing her work again, so I suppose that's some consolation.

 

So, how do you survive homeschooling with a strong willed teen?

[Jane in NC]

So, how do you survive homeschooling with a strong willed teen?

 

Strong drink or commiseration on this board. Those were my choices.

 

Jane

[Storm Bay]

Strong drink or commiseration on this board. Those were my choices.

 

Jane

:lol::lol: Thanks. I know this is true, but it gave me a well needed laugh. I don't like the taste of alcohol, so I'll stick with the board.

[Grace is Sufficient]

Commiseration here... I've also got a (very!) strong-willed 14 year old whom I homeschool. Although we tried a private school for a few months, and I threaten to ship her off to public periodically, we've made it this far.

 

For me it helps that she's the youngest, so I sometimes dream of being done in three years.

[lllll]

..

[Jenn in CA]

Maybe find something neutral which you and she can share? A walk, comments on music, discuss a bio you've both read, some kind of work or chore ... just anything you can think of. Something in which neither of you can be 'right' ... because it just is. The school may well continue to be a struggle, but the relationship will continue parallel in a (hopefully) more pleasant progression. At least, that's how I've blundered along over the years. :)

 

HTH

Kathy

 

Love this. This has helped me enjoy my teens more in times when it seems we are from two different planets.

 

I try not to think of school as the main "thing" of our relationship, but just something we all have to muddle through to get to the fun stuff.

[Cedarmom]

Laughter. FInd times when you can enjoy and laugh with one another.

[ereks mom]

We get through it a day at a time. When she gripes or whines or even explodes (her issues are usually concerning math too), I just try to remain calm. That keeps the storm from escalating. Sometimes we just have to take a break and talk. Fortunately, we are able to talk. And we talk a LOT. Especially while we're in the kitchen cooking supper or washing dishes.

[Storm Bay]

Thanks. I'll work harder at finding more times to laugh and to be neutral. It can be challenging with 2 younger children, one of whom is being tomato-staked at the moment, but this kind of thing helps. I want to come out the other side with a good relationship with her. My 11 yo is being tomato-staked. When she started getting challenging (I have 3 strong willed dc) this is what works best for her.

[4wildberrys]

Strong drink or commiseration on this board. Those were my choices.

 

Jane

 

 

:tongue_smilie:And sometimes both!! :D My ds is very strong willed too---at times I must question him "So, would YOU like to do the lesson planning and curriculum research?!" and "I'm sorry, WHO is the teacher here?!" He wears me out on many days. I like the suggestions of finding something to laugh about and other common ground. I want to continue to hs him through high school---so I am finding this is really important.

[Storm Bay]

One lesson I learned this week is that telling her I'll send her to ps if she doesn't do her work no longer works. She used to hate the idea of spending 6 hours in school and then getting homework. Now my 14 yo wants to try it, but I told her that first she needs to learn to write an essay because they'll expect it of her and second that she'd be too tired to keep swimming because she gets too cranky if she doesn't sleep enough. I know busy teens who only sleep about 6 hours a night. Plus, her time management is terrible. She tried to blame homeschooling, but I reminded her that she would sit at her desk fooling around in ps, distracting everyone, instead of simply doing it and going to the quiet area to read. It's not that the work was hard; it's just that she'd rather do what she wants to do.

[Nan in Mass]

Listen to them. Tell them they are right when they are. Apologize a lot. Compromise a lot. Make sure they are getting things they want, too; that way they are more likely to give you what you want just because you want it, even if they don't understand why. Admit it when you are being irrational and ask if they will do it just to please you, they they will then believe you when you say there are solid reasons. Be sympathetic and bend or compromise when they are feeling irrational, instead of drowning them with your superior reasoning powers. Do lots of please-just-try-it-ing and then be willing to take a different tact if it doesn't work. Make they feel they can tell you when they tried it and it worked without feeling stupid or like it has given you power over them. Make sure they feel like they are in control of their lives because really they are, even though they live in your household. Make sure they feel like you are a reasonable parent, someone with whom they can reason, someone who has solid reasons for everything they require. Make sure they feel loved all the time. Try to get your husband to do some of the standing firm so you don't get too worn out. Try not to let them get angry because then not only do you go through a miserable day together, but they won't cooperate even in places where they normally don't mind cooperating. And like everyone else said, try to share some good things together so they have some reason to want to cooperate with you, some reason to love you and want to be with you and want to please you. All this is very hard to do on a day to day basis. It is a good thing my children are forgiving or they would have killed me for my many mistakes long ago.

-Nan

[ChrisN in NY]

So, how do you survive homeschooling with a strong willed teen?

 

My dh has long said it's a good thing I'm more stubborn than they are. The younger dc are "reaping the benefits" of what I've learned in dealing with older.

 

This too shall pass. ;)

[Nan in Mass]

Mine are, too, Cris. Sigh.

[Ruth in Canada]

I'm finding almost-15 to be a much easier age than 12-13-14. Something must have just clicked in dd's brain, because she is much more self-motivated than she has been. A mother of boys said her boys "clicked in" at about 20. I'm sure every kid is different--but I find it helpful to realize that things aren't always going to be difficult.

[Linda in NM]

Amen, Ruth--although my son (at 15) is beginning to speak again...he communicated with grunts for most of his 14th year :-)...of course, he wants to stay on our good side so that he can start driver's ed in Michigan...

[LoriM]

I think frustrated and confused to frustrated and bored is a normal variation in the life of a teen. Honestly, I can be fascinated with gardening one day, and tired of watering the next (grin), so I understand.

 

Give yourself some space to see the big picture occasionally. Back away from the daily work, and consider your quarterly or even annual goals for her. Check your five year plan. I find I'm much more patient with her when I remember what 12 was like...or 14...or even 15. At 16, my dd is amazing, and at 20, my older dd is startling. Yet she still forgets to throw away her used tissues (sigh) and has to be reminded to feed the cat occasionally. Brilliant and lovely, but human!

 

Strong drink, comisseration, and reflection and planning are pretty much my weapons of choice. :)

[Nan in Mass]

I agree. Perhaps you are thinking of 14 as still at the beginning of teenagerhood, and of the bad aspects of teenagerhood as worsing as it goes along until all of a sudden at 20, it vanishes? Probably as far as homeschooling goes, the worst phase is (on average) about 13-15, with things improving from there. Other bad aspects show up as they get older, like concerns over driving and dating and career choices, but in general, homeschooling seems to get easier, not harder, as you go through the high school years. I think, anyway.

[Storm Bay]

I agree. Perhaps you are thinking of 14 as still at the beginning of teenagerhood, and of the bad aspects of teenagerhood as worsing as it goes along until all of a sudden at 20, it vanishes? Probably as far as homeschooling goes, the worst phase is (on average) about 13-15, with things improving from there. Other bad aspects show up as they get older, like concerns over driving and dating and career choices, but in general, homeschooling seems to get easier, not harder, as you go through the high school years. I think, anyway.

 

 

No, I don't think it's going to be all bad until she's 20. My aunt, who raised 4, some of them very intense, considers 14 to be the "lowest point in human development"--this was said to me with dry (very dry) humour by her.

 

I try so hard to be a reasonable parent, but certainly am not perfect. If I give in too much she'll do nothing and tyranize my younger two when she feels like it. I do apologize when I'm wrong because I grew up with a dad who never did and that made it hard for me to learn to do that later, but if I never out-stubborned her we'd be in huge trouble. It's challenging to find the right balance between letting her make her own choices but ensuring that she's still being parented (she's young for her age and definitely needs some parenting) and also doing enough education so that she's meeting legal requirements, not to mention the fact that she needs an education. I'm already going far easier on chores with her than I had planned to by now because that would be even more strife. She has some, but most are simply taking care of her things.

 

So, I'll reassess how much give and take we're doing. It's certainly more than when she was younger, and more than I think dh always likes, but he usually respects my input since I'm with the dc the most. I've been trying to give her more privacy, space, etc, because I remember how much I valued it at that age. We don't have enough bedrooms to give her her own. Nevertheless, conflicts arise.

 

Sometimes she just feels like arguing, or so it seems. Perhaps there's a way to turn that to something productive, but I haven't found it yet. Or she'll feel like being annoying (she'll even say, on occasion, that she just feels like it.) Sometimes she jokes and says it's her job as a teen to be annoying, and I'll joke back and say it's my job as a parent to be embarrassing. Today was much easier than the other day.

[cricket1178]

No, I don't think it's going to be all bad until she's 20. My aunt, who raised 4, some of them very intense, considers 14 to be the "lowest point in human development"--this was said to me with dry (very dry) humour by her.

 

I try so hard to be a reasonable parent, but certainly am not perfect. If I give in too much she'll do nothing and tyranize my younger two when she feels like it. I do apologize when I'm wrong because I grew up with a dad who never did and that made it hard for me to learn to do that later, but if I never out-stubborned her we'd be in huge trouble. It's challenging to find the right balance between letting her make her own choices but ensuring that she's still being parented (she's young for her age and definitely needs some parenting) and also doing enough education so that she's meeting legal requirements, not to mention the fact that she needs an education. I'm already going far easier on chores with her than I had planned to by now because that would be even more strife. She has some, but most are simply taking care of her things.

 

So, I'll reassess how much give and take we're doing. It's certainly more than when she was younger, and more than I think dh always likes, but he usually respects my input since I'm with the dc the most. I've been trying to give her more privacy, space, etc, because I remember how much I valued it at that age. We don't have enough bedrooms to give her her own. Nevertheless, conflicts arise.

 

Sometimes she just feels like arguing, or so it seems. Perhaps there's a way to turn that to something productive, but I haven't found it yet. Or she'll feel like being annoying (she'll even say, on occasion, that she just feels like it.) Sometimes she jokes and says it's her job as a teen to be annoying, and I'll joke back and say it's my job as a parent to be embarrassing. Today was much easier than the other day.

 

You know, I've come to the conclusion there are no easy answers. Somehow we just get through it. My 13 year old has been a precious jewel (until lately). The fourteen year old has been a stinker and is always a stinker. Sometimes I have grace, sometimes I don't.

 

Things have to get done, school, chores, etc. I'm going to see to it that they get done by the person assigned to those things for that day. Sometimes I feel like Hitler and it makes me very sad. But, then the fun stuff comes and we keep going. We will keep going. It helps to know we are not alone in our struggles.

 

Thanks for this post. Fourteen year olds are just part of life.

[Nan in Mass]

I remember one of mine once saying to me in a panicky way, "Please don't stop arguing with me." I know part of how he figured out what was good and what was bad was to announce something and then see what happened (arguments being an indication that the something was wrong), but I also think sometimes he just felt unhappy or overwhelmed with life or annoyed and wanted to blow off some steam by arguing. I was a safe person to argue because I wasn't going anywhere. Not exactly a mature coping technique, but then again, 14yo's aren't mature.

 

I think our expectations for them tend to take a leap when our children turn 14, and that causes problems. Their own expectations of themselves also jump. It takes awhile for them to adjust and become resigned to working harder and being more self-disciplined and unselfish, in other words more grownup. Not demanding as much as you had originally planned isn't necessarily a bad idea while that adjustment is going on. This last bit is based on what my almost 15yo offered as explanation for why he wasn't at his best at times this last year. I think it is a good sign that your daughter can offer some sort of explanation for her own behavior. If she knows what she is doing, she can change it as she grows and gets stronger.

 

It is a difficult time.

 

-Nan

[Sunshine State Sue]

My aunt, who raised 4, some of them very intense, considers 14 to be the "lowest point in human development"--this was said to me with dry (very dry) humour by her.

I didn't need to read this. Ignorance is bliss. :banghead:

[Storm Bay]

I didn't need to read this. Ignorance is bliss. :banghead:

 

 

Fwiw, today this very same dd brought home 2 large pieces of watermelon for her siblings. This was her idea. She can be lovely at times, so there is hope. I did post this on a particulary challenging day.