Older guys/younger girls

[mitraces]

I've looked around on the internet, talked to lots of folks and generally think this is not recommended in our culture, but what experience do you all have with guys in their early 30's interested in teen age girls? I hear from some single guys that it is hard to find girls that are not "career minded" once they hit their mid- 20's and have their college education. It's all new to me. Any insight?

[Melissa in Australia]

my husband was in his early 30's and I was 18 when we got married.

[Nicole M]

Um. Well. The vast majority of the teen pregnancies in this country are the result of encounters between adult males (well over 21) and young girls.

 

I don't think that's what you're asking, but it was the first thing that came to mind. So I guess my first impulse is apprehension.

[Sharon in MD]

it depends entirely upon the man in question and the young lady....but I'd be really careful if I were the parents of that young lady! When I was an older teen, my boss in a clothing store expressed an interest in seeing me...now that I look back, it was a bit creepy. I was flattered.....my parents were terrified. It fizzled out really quickly and that was that, thank goodness.

 

All that said...my husband is ten years older than I am and our very good friends are the exact opposite, she is over 10 years his senior. BUT....10 years is not the same as 15 to 20 years which is what you are talking about if the guy is 35 and the girl 15.....

 

AND if we are talking about serious long term marriage types of things, you have to think about children too....if Dad is 15 years older than Mom and she is 30 when a child is born....then Dad is 45 and will be 60 when the that child hits 20. It can make a difference....

[JWSJ]

I would also look at this from the perspective of the teen girl:

 

Why is she interested in a man in his 30's?

[Laura R (FL)]

I was always interested in older men as I thought they were more mature and stable than fellas my own age.

 

I dated my husband when I was 22 and he was 38. We have been blissfully married for 15+ years and he is my best friend as well as my...well....husband. :)

 

While we were dating, people questioned our motives. He thought women his age were bitter. He found that many were divorced or soured on relationships (he had never been married). I thought the guys my age were immature and they weren't serious about life. Dh and I were instantly attracted and "How old are you" wasn't the first question that popped into our minds. He thought I was a few years older and I thought he was barely 30. He looks and acts very young.

 

I think there a lot of reasons an older man is attracted to a younger girl, physically and mentally. I'd base my judgment on individuals, not groups as a whole. There are some pretty creepy younger guys, too.

[Loupelou]

I think each case is unique.

 

Why is the older man interested and vice versa?

 

Do the two have similar long term goals, i.e., faith and family?

 

Do they have similar views politically, socially, etc.?

 

If the girl is really young then she probably hasn't had the chance to form any of these much needed emotional/social strengths.

 

If the attachment appears to be a strong one leading to future alliance, then why not wait? If it's real love it will last long enough for her to grow up a little.

 

My feelings on this come from the experience of a sister who met her dh at 15, she was married at 17, had a baby at 18. He was 8 years her senior. I have seen her struggle with issues that an older teen, young twenty something would have experienced. Thankfully they both had similar religious backgrounds and goals. I think she had to deal with growing up herself and raising a family and it has been very difficult.

 

Just my .02!:001_smile:

[Garga]

Hmm. In the book Protecting the Gift, the author writes about how to protect your kids from common dangers we all fear (kids being kidnapped, safety around guns, etc.)

 

In his section about parents protecting their teenage girls, he points out that teenage girls are generally considered to be very attractive to men--they're generally the most physically attractive women to men. This is all in a very male/female animal sort of way--not talking about maturity and reason and all that. Just a gut, knee-jerk reaction in men is to find young women, still in their teens, physically attractive. (Think about it: for many years of human history women were married in their teens and considered full adults.)

 

It's not that these men are bad or evil (though some are). But that it's a natural inclination within them. So, I guess some older men find the young woman attractive, get to know her, and also find her attractive in her personality, etc. I dunno.

 

And on the other hand, I always found older men attractive, and still do.

[Laurie4b]

I think culture is important in discerning the meaning of behavior. In some cultures, it is still acceptable for a girl to be "married" before puberty. So if that happens there, it has a different meaning than if it happens here. And if a 30 something male in today's culture is interested in a teenager, then it has different meaning than it would have had 150 years ago when girls here married regularly in their teens.

 

In our culture, it is illegal in most states for a 30 year old man to have a relationship with any physical component until the girl is 18 and a legal adult. So when you say "teenaged girls" without no more specification, then it's likely to be illegal.

 

I don't have a teenaged daughter, but I was an older teen working in restaurants, etc. I can say that 100% of the older men who were interested in me were interested in sexually exploiting me. And the men who were at that age and interested in me were emotionally/socially immature, even if they were attorneys making a lot of money. They were stuck in adolescent stages of relationships with women.

 

Even with a teen who is legally an adult--an 18 or 19 year old, there is the issue of the young woman being naive, and having less experience of both herself as a person and of relationships. Imo, there is a big difference between a woman of 25 dating a man of 40 and an 18 year old dating a 33 year old. That's not to say this could *never* be a good thing; it is to say, it's more likely to be to the detriment of the 18 year old, and in our culture, it does raise concerns. I would be very concerned if the girl was someone I knew.

 

I think it is total hooey that by the time women graduate from college and are in their mid-20's-early 30's that they are only career minded. Some may be, but the majority will be getting concerned about getting married or NOT getting married (ie being left out, not chosen, etc.) and about their biological clocks. I would not trust a man who gave that as a reason for attraction to teenaged girls.

 

Why are you asking?

[MyThreeSons]

When we were dating and I was in my 20s, it didn't seem like such a big deal. Now that our sons are teens and dh is in his late 60s and not well, it IS a big deal. My parents did express concern, but I couldn't see this far down the road.

[Renee in NC]

The father of my oldest son is 7 years older than I. Seven years is not much unless that girl is 14. His reasons had everything to do with control. Due to this history and my knowledge of another situation where the girl was MUCH younger than the man she married, if an older man was interested in my teen daughter, my first inclination would involve double barrels.

 

I know these kinds of situations can lead to happy, healthy, long-term marriages, but I don't think that is the majority.

[Sharon in MD]

When we were dating and I was in my 20s, it didn't seem like such a big deal. Now that our sons are teens and dh is in his late 60s and not well, it IS a big deal. My parents did express concern, but I couldn't see this far down the road.

 

Now that I'm 47 and dh is almost 57...the difference in our ages is starting to show a little more. And when I had a bit of a scare thinking I might be pregnant a year ago....the age difference really scared me (not to mention my own age). I was fearful that if I were indeed pregnant that my hubby would be a daddy of an infant again at 55....meaning that he might not be able to be a really active daddy for an active older child, let alone teen. It was a sobering thought.

[Tami]

I don't really understand an adult in their 30's interested in a teenager. The maturity levels, life experiences, and even the generation will be worlds apart. In my 30's, I couldn't have imagined cruising the high school for a potential husband. I see a grown man who is interested in a teenager as insecure and creepy. Perhaps he can't handle a woman his age who knows who she is, and can't handle a grown woman who won't take his crap.

 

A teen is more likely to swoon. A teen's brain is not yet fully developed, and not yet able to understand the long term consequences of her actions. Teens are easy to manipulate. In short, a teen is a perfect match for an insecure older man who wants a subservient partner.:glare:

 

Any older man interested in my teen would literally be looking at both barrels, as another poster said. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition! :D

Edited May 17, 2009 by Tami

[Staci in MO]

:iagree:

 

I was thinking the same thing. I'm in my late thirties now, and I can't think of a time in the last fifteen years when I haven't been aware of tons of sweet, smart, pretty women in their twenties who wanted nothing more than to find the right man and settle down. My church is crawling with them! Any man in his early thirties who can't seem to find a woman in her mid to late twenties who wants to get married and have children isn't looking very hard, in my opinion.

 

I wonder adult women just have higher standards? Perhaps, like other posters have suggested, girls in their teens are more likely to put up with a bunch of nonsense. That may sound unkind, but the whole thing sounds fishy.

[Kathy in MD]

I don't really understand an adult in their 30's interested in a teenager. The maturity levels, life experiences, and even the generation will be worlds apart. In my 30's, I couldn't have imagined cruising the high school for a potential husband. I see a grown man who is interested in a teenager as insecure and creepy. Perhaps he can't handle a woman his age who knows who she is, and can't handle a grown woman who won't take his crap.

 

A teen is more likely to swoon. A teen's brain is not yet fully developed, and not yet able to understand the long term consequences of her actions. Teens are easy to manipulate. In short, a teen is a perfect match for an insecure older man who wants a subservient partner.:glare:

..........

:D

 

:iagree: for our culture today, what's going on?

(I must also agree with Laurie that in some places and times it's cultural or financial)

[Kelli in TN]

I think the age differences can certainly be worked through, though one would have to have their eyes open as to the consequences of a big age gap. But I can't see the point in a serious relationship when a girl is a teen. I think if you move that whole dynamic to men in 30's-women in early 20's, then it is not inappropriate. My 18 year old daughter is a pretty steady, healthy kid, but there is no way that she is ready to date a man in his 30's. She needs to live her own life and figure her own self out before she gets tangled up in something serious like that.

[Murphy101]

I think culture is important in discerning the meaning of behavior. In some cultures, it is still acceptable for a girl to be "married" before puberty. So if that happens there, it has a different meaning than if it happens here. And if a 30 something male in today's culture is interested in a teenager, then it has different meaning than it would have had 150 years ago when girls here married regularly in their teens.

 

In our culture, it is illegal in most states for a 30 year old man to have a relationship with any physical component until the girl is 18 and a legal adult. So when you say "teenaged girls" without no more specification, then it's likely to be illegal.

 

I don't have a teenaged daughter, but I was an older teen working in restaurants, etc. I can say that 100% of the older men who were interested in me were interested in sexually exploiting me. And the men who were at that age and interested in me were emotionally/socially immature, even if they were attorneys making a lot of money. They were stuck in adolescent stages of relationships with women.

 

Even with a teen who is legally an adult--an 18 or 19 year old, there is the issue of the young woman being naive, and having less experience of both herself as a person and of relationships. Imo, there is a big difference between a woman of 25 dating a man of 40 and an 18 year old dating a 33 year old. That's not to say this could *never* be a good thing; it is to say, it's more likely to be to the detriment of the 18 year old, and in our culture, it does raise concerns. I would be very concerned if the girl was someone I knew.

 

I think it is total hooey that by the time women graduate from college and are in their mid-20's-early 30's that they are only career minded. Some may be, but the majority will be getting concerned about getting married or NOT getting married (ie being left out, not chosen, etc.) and about their biological clocks. I would not trust a man who gave that as a reason for attraction to teenaged girls.

 

Why are you asking?

 

I agree 100% with this. It's my experience also.

And an older man wanting to marry her (such as in some other cultures) does NOT neccessarily mean he has any deeper emotion for her either.

 

I would have no respect for a man in his 30s that acted so immaturely to the detriment of my teen daughter. And that's putting it mildly. Dh would be reaching for the phone to call the police and his shotgun at the same time.;)

[Murphy101]

that said, I was never attracted to men less than 5+ years older than me until I met my dh (who is my same age).

 

as another noted, looking back, altho they were more mature than the boys my age, they were very immature for their own age.

[PollyOR]

This doesn't fit exactly, but I have dealt with the older male wants younger, easy to control girl. My son-in-law is 6 1/2 years older than my dd and I definitely saw him prey on my young, immature daughter at 19. I won't go into all the gory details (it still makes me sick :mad:). You'll just have to believe me that I've seen it happen. I begged DH to get involved (would have loved to see the gun come out! :D), but DH treated him like a man when it wasn't deserved. It's been two years and my dd regrets getting married before she finished college, etc. And, SIL has found out that my dd isn't nearly as sweet as he thought she was. :lol: The girl can rip him to shreds and frequently does!!

[Guest Katia]

This is a timely thread and gives me a lot to think about as my 19yo dd has recently started dating a 26yo male.

 

I guess the thing I see in my dd's situation is that *I* was the one to introduce them and *I* think very highly of the young man. He is a Christian and very open to dh and I about his past dating history and what Christ has shown him in his personal Bible study time regarding love and his responses/responsibilities. It's amazing really!

 

But.....there is still a lot in this thread to think about......Thanks for all of your experiences. I didn't start this thread but it has been soooooo helpful.

[Garga]

I, personally, think it's probably creepy and should be watched closely. There are always exceptions, but I would go under the assumption that they're rare and keep a close eye on the situation.

[HeatherLynn]

As a teen I was REALLY attracted to older men. By that, I mean about 10-15 years older. They were usually interested back. Now that I look back, I think "What was WRONG with them?". I think in some isntances there is a true connection and potential for a true relationship. Sometimes, it seems purely for sexual reasons. I would not trust anyman that was a senior of my daughter by more than four years until I really knew his intentions. Even then, I am adressing her as an adult. No way before she is 18.

[Staci in MO]

This is a timely thread and gives me a lot to think about as my 19yo dd has recently started dating a 26yo male.

 

I guess the thing I see in my dd's situation is that *I* was the one to introduce them and *I* think very highly of the young man. He is a Christian and very open to dh and I about his past dating history and what Christ has shown him in his personal Bible study time regarding love and his responses/responsibilities. It's amazing really!

 

But.....there is still a lot in this thread to think about......Thanks for all of your experiences. I didn't start this thread but it has been soooooo helpful.

 

I almost brought this up earlier. My dh is seven years older than I am. But, I was 21 when we started dating, and his intentions were honorable. It wasn't a case of an older man preying on a younger woman, but a man who very much wanted to marry someone with the same beliefs, interests, and background - I am very blessed that it was me.

 

I should also add that my parents were ecstatic about the whole thing. I had been bringing home childish frat boys up until that time. When I walked in with a responsible, level-headed man with a JOB, my mother wept with relief.

 

Now, if I would have been, say, sixteen at the time, my daddy probably would have sent him away with a shotgun.

[Tree House Academy]

Well, I was 22 and my husband was 32 when we met. We have been together for 8 years now, married for 7.

 

The only time I really start to think it is a bit weird is when a 55-60 year old man marries a 21-22 year old woman. I mean, each situation is different...but the couple I know personally just, honestly, creeps me out. The girl is sweet and pretty, the man is just creepy and odd. :(

[Sharon in MD]

This is a timely thread and gives me a lot to think about as my 19yo dd has recently started dating a 26yo male.

 

I guess the thing I see in my dd's situation is that *I* was the one to introduce them and *I* think very highly of the young man. He is a Christian and very open to dh and I about his past dating history and what Christ has shown him in his personal Bible study time regarding love and his responses/responsibilities. It's amazing really!

 

But.....there is still a lot in this thread to think about......Thanks for all of your experiences. I didn't start this thread but it has been soooooo helpful.

 

We were both Christians and we really just hit it off as friends immediately. We went to our first date....a (National Christian Choir Concert) and never dated anyone else after that.

 

I think there are so many variables in this whole thing. I'm an only child and very independent and pushy....he is a first son and an army officer....so also very independent and pushy. I think either of us would have run rough shod over just about any other poor spouse. I also think that since I was out on my own in a good career, living my own life, that is very different from a young woman who is perhaps just out of high school or still in high school and living at home seeing a man 10 or more years her senior. In my own case, I know I did a lot of growing from the end of my jr. year in college through the time that I met and married my dh. I had an apartment, didn't go home that summer but rather worked and did summer school, paying my own way for the first time in my life, then went on to graduate and take a job 8 hours away from home....which was a big deal to me. I know that girl I was at 19 was a far cry from the young career gal of 22.

 

This has been a really interesting thread.

[mitraces]

Good discussion and all things I hear over again; thanks. And yes a 32 year old guy has asked to communicate with our 16 year old. My dh does not see it is immoral, just not a good idea. So there are lots of requirements - 3 - 4 years of requirements, before anything could be serious.

 

I hear your concerns that when the couple is "younger" the difference is okay, but not so when they age. However, we have several friends/family where the spouse has passed away in their mid 40's (my sister for instance) and early 50's. There is no way to "protect" illnesses from coming along.

 

Then there is the time a girls might need to "grow up." So maybe these next 3-4 years will put all into perspective.

 

Thanks for your help~

[Stacy in NJ]

Any older man interested in my teen would literally be looking at both barrels, as another poster said. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition! :D

 

:iagree:

[mom2jjka]

I would say it depends on the person, their maturity, and what they are looking for in a relationship. (sex/marriage/friendship/etc.)

 

When I was a teen (15) I 'dated' a 23 yr old from our church. He was a really nice guy, a strong Christian, and he was very honorable towards me. Our parents were good friends and our families did a lot together. My mom had no problem with our dating...and it was very innocent.

 

Now...the other 15 yr old guys I went to school with...they were ALL hormones! My mom did NOT want me 'dating' most of them, and I had no interest in them either. They acted like the foolish, immature children that they were.

[EKS]

My first boyfriend was 18 years older than I was (2x my age) and another a few years later was 16 years older. My husband is only 9 years older.

 

As far as why a teenaged girl would be interested in a man in his 30s--they're just more interesting, and have more life experience.

[Peek a Boo]

While we were dating, people questioned our motives. He thought women his age were bitter. He found that many were divorced or soured on relationships (he had never been married). I thought the guys my age were immature and they weren't serious about life. Dh and I were instantly attracted and "How old are you" wasn't the first question that popped into our minds. He thought I was a few years older and I thought he was barely 30. He looks and acts very young.

 

I think there a lot of reasons an older man is attracted to a younger girl, physically and mentally. I'd base my judgment on individuals, not groups as a whole. There are some pretty creepy younger guys, too.

 

yup.

i met dh when I was 14 and he was 27. I had NO IDEA that he was interested in me till I hit 18 --he had been patiently biding his time.

 

most of his experience was the same as above: he met several gals that seemed ready to martyr themselves so their kid could "have a dad" or had pretty big differences of philosophy on how the family would be set up. So in his case, HE had much higher standards that most women weren't meeting.

 

I'm sure there ARE "several" 22-26yo gals out there that would have fit his ideals, but he also was NOT out HUNTING for a spouse, so he was NOT "looking that hard" to begin with.

 

As a teen, i was looking at his personal demeanor and character: aside from the issues which led to our divorce [which weren't apparent during a dating relationship] he's funny, smart, usually calm :D, hard working, and VERY responsible. So responsible that even after getting divorced he was/is still ready to do whatever it took to keep the family together. His weak points that most gals are not interested in? a severe lack of tact. raw honesty. I'm sure it's rubbing off on me.:lol:

 

I was a pretty mature 18 when we started dating and 19 [he was 31] when we got married. His biggest point was that he didn't want a woman who would martyr herself. He definitely got that.;)

 

 

As far as why a teenaged girl would be interested in a man in his 30s--they're just more interesting, and have more life experience.

 

yeah. I often joked that if you're going to do business w/ a company, pick one that's been around a while....

[4wildberrys]

Any older man interested in my teen would literally be looking at both barrels, as another poster said. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition! :D

 

 

LOL!! :iagree: It's almost nauseating for me to imagine 30+ men with under 18 teenaged girls---especially since our daughter is almost 17. "Men" in their 20's, though, interested in teenagers isn't so creepy though. I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 24 ----his reasons for being attracted to me were that I "Was the kind of girl he would marry" ----------I guess it was because I didn't have the hang-ups or skeletons like the 20 something women he had been dating :tongue_smilie: At this point with OUR daughter, though, I would say the guys her age are complete losers with no morals---at least in our town!!! They all seem to be simply interested in "hooking up" and cheating or moving on if they don't get what they want! Our daughter has had 3 boyfriends so far, and been hurt emotionally by all 3 because of her declaration of her standards from the very start----which they all seemed to be okay with until they realized that she MEANT it :glare:

 

In my eyes, there is something really wrong with a much older man interested in such a young woman---he either is a pervert, can't find a "real" woman closer to his own age or is looking to cheat on his wife:glare: Girls so young can be very naive, and so easily flattered that an older man would be interested in them---so the older man can also easily talk them into doing things they normally wouldn't---and I'm pretty sure the men know it too.